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Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

0 posted 2007-11-21 07:18 PM

There is a dark sound nursing evil
below the sounds that can be heard
before she falls asleep. He will
be there, they say. She rests assured

that this will be as they predict
it will. She sees him in the half-light,
two fires, one dimmed, one risen -- tricked
by those who clamor right is rite.

As one with many, only a few
can see beyond their deeper murmurs.
So many need, so many do
believe that what is theirs is not hers.

A gift is given, never taken
as righteous takers often mistaken.

[This message has been edited by Yejun (11-22-2007 07:01 AM).]

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2007-11-22 06:38 AM

Now you've got me intrigued.

and what is um

quote:
two fires, one dimmed, one risen ¡ª tricked

that thingamajiggie inbetween risen and tricked? Is that a semi-colon and asterisk?

This is pretty vague, but I don't mind vague---I like to leave room for mindplay in my own stuff, but it does leave the idea rather subjective. Is that on purpose?

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

2 posted 2007-11-22 07:03 AM

I don't know what that was. I fixed it.

Trying to get something posted before I was off to work. Sometimes fingers do funny things (or programs for that matter).

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

3 posted 2007-11-22 10:04 AM

Hi Yejun, welcome aboard,

You deleted “ Um “ before I got here, what word did you replace it with ?

The first two lines and the last two lines are the kind of lines that poetry is

made of.

Just a suggestion

A gift is given, never taken
“as righteous takers often mistaken.”

A gift is given, never taken ,
righteous takers are often mistaken .

I didn’t understand your poem. If I had to guess , it was about putting a child to

bed : but I am sure it is more to it than that.

Your poem is the rare case of the parts being better than the whole.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2007-11-22 11:38 AM

Yejun,

First of all, who are "he" and "she" and "they"?

I think they need a manner of introduction, otherwise the reader is not able to read it with perspective or understanding of their relation, role, importance, etc.

It is like coming into a room where the conversation is already begun and all you hear are the pronouns "he did, she did, etc". Everyone already in the room knows who are being spoken about, but the latecomer doesn't.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

5 posted 2007-11-22 05:30 PM

Thanks for the comments.

I deleted a strange symbol. I had no idea where it came from. I replaced it with a hypen.

I've been sweating over that last line too.

"A gift is given, never taken as often mistaken."

is just screwed up when I add a second subject, isn't it?

I was trying to get away with it, but it's probably best not to try.

Thanks again.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

6 posted 2007-11-23 03:22 PM

Thanks, Essorant.

quote:
First of all, who are "he" and "she" and "they"?

I find it interesting that 'I' and 'you' are not meant with the same scrutiny.

quote:
I think they need a manner of introduction, otherwise the reader is not able to read it with perspective or understanding of their relation, role, importance, etc.

Yes and no, this is an experiment then. I'm curious, always curious to see what, if any, connotative power certain words have:

evil,
predict,
right,
rite,
will,
risen,
righteous.

These were intended to get you into the conversation.

quote:
It is like coming into a room where the conversation is already begun and all you hear are the pronouns "he did, she did, etc". Everyone already in the room knows who are being spoken about, but the latecomer doesn't.

Is there a difference between a latecomer, an eavesdropper, or a detective?

But I'm listening and working on round two.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

7 posted 2007-11-23 04:03 PM

This one made me take a step back and regard one of my prejudices regarding language.

That last line?

I really wanted to chop off the "en" of "often". It just sounded better to my inner ear.

I keep wanting to read it this way:

"A gift is given, never taken
as righteous takers 'ere oft mistaken."

I dunno why. I just like it that way.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

8 posted 2007-11-23 05:33 PM

round 2:

There are dark sounds, a multitude
containing legions, before you sleep;
they murmur songs of pulchritude
and innocence and pray you keep

the things you hold so dear so near,
and some who say begin and some
to stifle calm and focus fear
say wait for the unsexed to come.

That this will be as they predict
it will, a you or she, a will
that wants appraisal will be tricked
by will, their will and yours will will.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2007-11-24 05:21 PM

I think you need a comma in that last line.

Cheers on pulchritude, but I suspect you're trying to put too much in too little (I do that all the time).

Read quickly, it does nothing. Read slowly, I can see some things going on here, but wonder if Ess is right -- expand don't compress. Let us get into the story before you close up shop.

And the whole will part? It's cute, but wonder if it's not over the top.

Thanks for the read.

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