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Critical Analysis #2
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Redemption
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Redemption |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
I posted this in the Dark Poetry section, and I only got one reply, so Ill post it here. If you find anything wrong with it, feel free to post your opinion! I walk this path of Hell and Sin, Sights of madness, sights of sorrow, Sights of Hellish, drunken men, Their bodies the Devil borrowed... ...And I walk this path so well. Darknight creatures, bearing fangs, Angels falling, oh so surprised. Bodies ache with Hellbent pangs, No one knows the Devil's disguise... ...And no one knows the truth. Walking a road of self destruction, Seeking for exemption, Seraphs caught in this disruption, And so I seek redemption... ...And now I know the truth. Gods and Demons, |
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| © Copyright 2007 J. Maree - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Well you are going to do at least as good here as you did in dark poetry. I can't relate to the content of the poem, as I have never been a sinner ; but your rhyme was real good I did not see what I call a forced rhyme. "Seeking for exemption" I know I hope they make an exception in my case. Btw, I have brought this up in another poem, but you may have over used the ellipse. Please don’t ask me how to use them, go search . "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-18-2007 06:59 AM).] |
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jupitures daughter Junior Member
since 2007-11-14
Posts 10 |
shake i liked this. do you see how this would flow with the right music? i hope this doesn't offend but that is how i felt it. i like when people explore the truth of all things especially their own. will look for more of your work. j.d. |
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jupitures daughter Junior Member
since 2007-11-14
Posts 10 |
i have just read the small print. is this a song already? j.d. |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
No, I actually didnt write this one to be a song. I do have alot of songs though, Ive posted some on here, like Lillith. Gods and Demons, |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I don't think the ellipses add anything to the poem. I immediately see two problems here: 1. You tell us the sights, you don't show us the sights. Think Milton and his descriptions of hell or Ginsberg and his descriptions of what he and his friends did. By the third line, you blame everything on devils. This immediately frees those sights from any sort of moral outrage (Does any body really blame the little girl in the Exorcist?). 2. Why I'm very glad that you can do so, I don't know why walking well is something that you should be proud of. Yes, I'm joking but do you see the disconnect here? quote: Yeah, you've let the form control this whole strophe. Description, description -- the power of all dark poetry has always been in the ability to picture the images you see and let those images suggest something deeper, darker. Lovecraft's monsters are not scary as they are depicted, but they are depicted and then he points to something that they are scared of -- I'm thinking of the Antarctic story right now. quote: What? Is there a sequel that you aren't going to share with us? 1. Too short 2. More description 3. Too abrupt an ending |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Shake, this is about your poem, and not you. Brad: That's taking one's gloves off? Or just one glove? Come on. "I walk this path of Hell and Sin," There is nothing in this poem to indicate that the "I" does either. "Sights of madness, sights of sorrow," Which sights? We are left to guess. Any sort of specificity might be useful here. Except: "Sights of Hellish, drunken men," What's Hellish about a drunk? Their disease? "Their bodies the Devil borrowed..." Borrowed for what? To turn them into alcoholics? Nasty devil, that Devil, but this is one of the least nasty things the devil might have borrowed bodies for. ...And I walk this path so well. The path being walked is the path the "I" wants us to see. There is no reason to suspect it is a path at all, and no reason to suspect the "I" has done so. This seems like a bit of observational as oppose to confessional poetry. Unless the "I" is actually dwelling in the depths. "Darknight creatures, bearing fangs, Angels falling, oh so surprised." Now, THAT's effective imagery if it means that when angels fall they become fang bearing creatures and weren't expecting it. "Bodies ache with Hellbent pangs, Which bodies? The angel's? The drunks? If they are already Hellbent, why does it ache? Pang, being a synonym for ache, is saying the same thing twice. "No one knows the Devil's disguise..." Of course they do. And the Devil, if bought into, has infinitely more than one disguises. The thought is appropriate, the expression again lacks anything to ground it. "...And no one knows the truth." Can't quibble with that! "Walking a road of self destruction, Seeking for exemption," OK, but then the sense falls apart. "Seraphs caught in this disruption," Can't for the life of me figure out what this has to do with anything. And so I seek redemption... Where is the "I" seeking it? Certainly not in this poem, unless it's based on the ugly stuff that abounds and the "I" doesn't want to be part of it, which is fine, but not particularly clear. "...And now I know the truth." Great! That makes the "I" certainly one in a billion, and I hope it gets shared. Shake: There are discussions going on about the nature of critiques. Grinch has suggested that they divide between critiques of a technical nature (mechanics), and critiques of an experience-informed nature, for here, "poetics." This is one of the latter, because I don't think, though I'm usually wrong, that this piece was posted for comments on meter and rhyme. You might think about trying this theme in the third person to see what happens as you continue to think about what you are thinking about. Sorry if you are a bit bewildered. You may have inadvertently gotten caught up in Brad's suggestion for new (or refreshed) C/A suggestions. See his post "Enough" in this forum if you want to get a sense of where some of us nut-cases are at. Best, Jim  |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
Actually, one phrase was really got me: quote: While I think it would be better to say seeking expemption, I think this takes a different direction than the usual 'dark poem'. I'd like to know more about that unusual word choice. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm afraid I too, got a bit disinterested in the opening stanza--let's see--there's three "sights", two paths, two mentions of Hell--that's pretty repetitious (which I like to use as a device too) but I don't think it does the job here. But you do mention that it is lyrics--and you can get away with that in music, and the rhythm is good, so I tend to agree that it might work, but I can't know without hearing it in the musical context. What is the genre of the music, if might ask? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Yeah, I know, I want to be the fire breathing dragon (Smaug?) but always end up playing Puff. It's amazing that I've got a rep, at least they tell me I do, as a harsh critter. I'm a big, fuzzy teddy bear. Shake, If I can get an e-mail address, that would be helpful. If you don't want to send out your personal one, make a new one and send it to me. Much appreciated. |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
OK, forgive me, theres a bit of confusion here. I realize I didnt use much imagery and didnt describe enough in this poem, Ill make sure to do that in my future poems. I walk this path of Hell and Sin, Sights of madness, sights of sorrow, Sights of Hellish, drunken men, Their bodies the Devil borrowed... ...And I walk this path so well. Darknight creatures, bearing fangs, Angels falling, oh so surprised. Bodies ache with Hellbent pangs, No one knows the Devil's disguise... ...And no one knows the truth. Walking a road of self destruction, Seeking for exemption, Seraphs caught in this disruption, And so I seek redemption... ...And now I know the truth. I thank you for your advice, Ill put it to good use. Gods and Demons, |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Serenity, I said this one was not written to be music, but now that I think about it I can see that it might work. The only genres I can pull off are Country, Punk Rock or Alternative Rock, and Rap. If I were to make this into a song, it would probably be a faster version of Alternative Rock. Gods and Demons, |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nod. I could imagine that.I was curious because you can get away with a lot in lyrics, especially depending on genre. I love dark poetry too. But ooooh, have fun with it! Grow some fangs--a tail--forked tongues are fun too. Heh.  I get carried away a bit. Just a little.  |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Ha! You call that carried away!? Muahahahahahahahahaha*cough cough*hahahahahahahahaha!!!!*cough cough, hack, splutter* *Clears throat* Sorry.... went a little nuts... Lol, if you want to hear one of my songs Im recording Lillith right now. Im about halfway done, and Ill send you a link later. Gods and Demons, |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Brad-- Ill email you my email. Gods and Demons, Keys, Lyrics, and Vocals ~Shake |
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