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Critical Analysis #2
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T.Cooper
Junior Member
since 2007-11-11
Posts 16
Indiana, US

0 posted 2007-11-13 09:37 PM



I See!
Come and see!
Crackling like lightning, upon a mount of pearly flesh,
Storming all the firmaments, no man will stand in rest...
So strung his mighty composite, of demons in their own,
So strung his mighty composite, for harm not of a stone...
And true that it never be drawn back, facing you or me,
But standing in the firmament, for all the world to see...
Enslave the minds of worlds to come,
a rule of deep despair!

Come and see!
The taker of peace, upon a steed of scarlet fire,
Preying on the savage mans, deepest.. dark desire...
And spits the lashing blade, a blood that fills the rampant hills,
Nurturing disputes of man... testing man, for man to kill...
He resonates a blaze of hate, as winter's made a past,
His elegance, consequently, lays all the world as fast...
Enslave the hands of worlds to come,
In pain, we pain to bare!

Come and see!
The violent scale, upon a blackened age old horse,
Wicked screams of deafly ghast, forbid a bland remorse...
Besiege the fields of lifeless roots, for men to never eat,
Destroy a sense of shame and pride, a naked throne to seat...
The end of eyes so sick with dread, no sooner shall they dim,
For when they hear his clapping trot, the drown within their sin...
Enslave the dreams of worlds to come,
Our lives be left unfair!

Come and see!
Depths of Hell so at its feet, a pale green toxic colt,
The rider brings a spreading death, terror never bold...
He trickles down the spines of men, and never holds a heart,
Casts war's sword and earthen end, which entrails the worlds depart...
Upon a world unworthy of his hand, upon the unknown,
The grace of God they'll live without, to slave a senseless drone...
Enslave the will of lives to come,
Darkening the blinds stare!

© Copyright 2007 Tyler M. Cooper - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
1 posted 2007-11-14 10:24 AM


I wished I understood all I know about poetry. I have stretched my knowing to the limit with this one .

I asked my self, is this a poem about the four horsemen and self said, yes I think so .

I asked my self, is it any good ? Not too bad , self said ; but I don’t really understand it.

Self said, there were a few real good lines . What were all those  ellipses for ?

Maybe that’s why I didn’t understand  it , he left to much out .


T.Cooper
Junior Member
since 2007-11-11
Posts 16
Indiana, US
2 posted 2007-11-14 08:28 PM


hmm so it doesn't make much sense?
and the elipses are just kind of to group
off my lines/ideas in each stanza. probably not the best idea? what would be better?

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
3 posted 2007-11-14 09:02 PM


Hi T. Cooper.  Welcome to the fray, or frayed, C/A.  There is much to like and much to pick at in this poem.  It deserves a line by line, because you are close to the mark.  I'll try to give it a shot, as will others when it isn't dinner time.

Best, Jim

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
4 posted 2007-11-14 11:45 PM


“hmm so it doesn't make much sense?”

Please Cooper, I didn’t say that.

I said I didn’t understand it and I will talk about that after supper.

Was the poem about the four horsemen of the apocalypse ?


“ What would be better? “

How about a period or a question mark.

Don’t take this to the bank , but I think there should have been four dots to use it the way

you did .

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-15-2007 06:13 AM).]

T.Cooper
Junior Member
since 2007-11-11
Posts 16
Indiana, US
5 posted 2007-11-15 07:21 AM


ah I see, and yes, it was about the four horsemen.
ya, but what's the difference? Between 3 and 4 that is?
thanks for the replies btw

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
6 posted 2007-11-15 09:44 AM


You are welcome.

Coop, I never use ellipses, so don’t take this to the bank .

An omissions within a sentence use three dots  and omissions between sentences use a period and  three dots, for a total of four dots.

Btw, I had a good laugh when I read your post, I thought you were asking what was the difference between three or four horsemen .

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
7 posted 2007-11-21 04:40 PM


quote:
I See!
Come and see!
Crackling like lightning, upon a mount of pearly flesh,


Yeah, I saw Blade, too. No, that is not a joke. That is the image I see here. Is the image you want me to see here?

quote:
Storming all the firmaments, no man will stand in rest...


How does one storm the firmaments? It's a nice play on words, that's good, but one image is left unvisualized.

Does that make any sense?

quote:
So strung his mighty composite, of demons in their own,
So strung his mighty composite, for harm not of a stone...


What is it with ellipses? I have no idea what you're talking about here: in their own what?

harm not of a stone ...

Methinks you are trying to be too poetic here. Tell us what's happening.

quote:
And true that it never be drawn back, facing you or me,


What will never be drawn back?

quote:
But standing in the firmament, for all the world to see...


Okay, I'm thinking Americans grafted on to Japanese TV shows now.

quote:
Enslave the minds of worlds to come,
a rule of deep despair!


What worlds to come? These are trickier lines than the surrounding lines would indicate. Why not do something with them?

I have to stop here. Out of time.

But my initial reaction is that you're still too close to your poem. You're caught up in what you see and not calm enough to let us see what you see.

Get it?

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