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Still Searching
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Still Searching |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
My heart fails me while I await your arrival. I keep listening for the sound of your voice Its comforting aura and undeniable warmth. Yet, all I hear is the wind mocking me.. My heart fails me while I await your arrival. I look for you in the shadows of the moonlit night Its mystery haunts me, as does my memory of you Yet, all I see is the flicker of a dwindling candle. My heart fails me while I await your arrival. I touch the picture of you from our time together The warmth of its touch, is as if I'm holding you Yet, all I feel is the cold of the winter night. I can't avert my sight from the path you once tread, as you left me that night, never looking back. So as time continues to pass since your departure, My heart fails me while I await your arrival. Note: I value your opinions on this poem, but pls dont be rude. I also appreciate constructive criticism. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Elias L. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Nevermore: There is a lot to like in this poem. It has integrity and is to the point. So I look a some possibilities: "My senses fail me while I await for your arrival. I keep listening for the sound of your voice. Its brilliant eloquence and comforting aura. Yet, all I hear is the wind mocking my plight." OK, this is pretty good stuff. Look though, to the punctuation. These are not four seperate sentences to be ended with periods, it is two sentences, the first ending with a period (or semi-colon) and the rest to be seperated by commas. Why does that matter? Because it distracts the reader from following the flow of your thought, and I think you are being pretty straightforward, not willfully obscure. If it is a stylistic affectation, you might want to look at it to see what it really accomplishes. You have a problem with "my senses fail me," not from the repetition, but because it is a cliche. How might you say this in a fresh way? (And darned if I know, it's your poem!) Look at line 3. "brilliant eloquence" refers to a manner of speaking; "comforting aura" refers to thse sound of the speech. Can this be cleaned up? By line four, we don't know what "your plight" is. I don't think it is the failure of your senses, or maybe I misread. "My senses fail me while I await for your arrival. I look for you in the shadows of the moonlit night. Its mystery haunts me, as does my memory of you. Yet, all I see is the flicker of a candle dwindling" OK. Again, the periods. In line two, does the adjective "moonlit" add anything to "night? In line 3, you have a possible referential confusion with "Its." Is "it" the mystery of the night? Hard, because "the night" speaks to immediacy while "memory" is long term. Interesting. I don't see where the inversion of a "dwindling candle" to "candle dwindling" adds much, and, again, you might look at finding a fresher image overall. "My senses fail me while I await for your arrival. I touch the picture of you from our time together. The warmth of its touch, is as if I'm holding you. Yet, all I feel is the cold of the winter night." OK, here you might think about just spitting it out. The meaning and emotion is clear, but think about things like "The warmth of its touch." The photograph is not necessarily warm at all, your touch is supplying the warmth. And, in the first two stanzas, you have "night" imagery working for you. How does this shift, then, to: "My senses fail me while I await for your arrival. I detect the fragrance of lilacs in the air. Its aroma fills me with thoughts about your beauty. Yet, all I smell is the burning ash of the fire." What lilacs, what fire? You are starting to drift here. "My senses fail me while I await for your arrival. I can taste the joy radiating all over the place. It reminds me of all the wondeful things we've done Yet, all I can taste is the bitterness of my tongue I can't avert my sight from the path you once tread, as you left me that night, promising to return again. So as time continues to pass since your departure, My senses fail me while I await for your arrival." OK, and in the last two stanzas, you've lapsed into a forced rhyme and prose. You Really need to look at these two stanzas. They are a let down from the previous work. Maybe flagging energy? Happens to everyone. Basically, I think you have a solid poem started, worth rethinking for sure. And I'm just one guy talking. Best, Jim  |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
thanx jim. i agree with some of the stuff you have said. ill continue to rework the poem. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
93,instead of “ My sense fail me “ how about “ Still searching “ that is the name of their new re-release. I don’t think either one is a cliché, maybe an anti-cliché. http://www.clichesite.com/search_results.asp [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-10-2007 12:43 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I found the repetition of the first line of each stanza to be overdone. It quickly became boring. Maybe if you varied a bit with each repeat, it might have worked better. Another problem with the line is the use of await. It is a transitive verb and you have used it here as the intransitive verb wait. You need to either change it to wait: My senses fail me while I wait for your arrival. or remove the for that follows it: My senses fail me while I await your arrival. The first option probably flows better but the second may sound a bit more poetic. Also, Jim is spot on about the punctuation. |
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