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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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openmind Junior Member
since 2007-11-05
Posts 12 |
"fear" only GOD himself "succeed" to prosper with wealth "love" never at first sight "attraction" I met her the other night "family" I hold so dear to me "friends" not many left, maybe only three "life" it's not overrated just harder than I thought "fame" it is overrated solitude cannot be bought "stress" I strain myself to death "patience" I don't have much left "drive" It's in me but where am I going "ambition" full of it but down a path no knowing "beauty" it's all around you just look "hatred" dwarfs beauty and he's a crook "smile" something that brightens my day "peace" if only I pray |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
I'm not "into" this type of poetry, but is there a reason you chose the words that you did? |
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Okay, I found a few things wrong with this poem. First, it was kind of forced. I didnt feel any flow, and there seemed to be no connection between the syllables of each line. It just seemed too random. Second, you are way to vauge. WHY dont you have any patience left, WHY do you strain yourself to death? Third, ""hatred" dwarfs beauty and he's a crook" I didnt really get this line. I can see its a metaphor, but exactly what does it mean? Fourth, you repeat yourself on the amition and drive lines. You say the exact same things in different words. I liked this poem but it does need some serious revision. Overall I give it a 5.5/10 Work on your imagery, vocabulary, and other things Ive mentioned. Gods and Demons, Keys, Lyrics, and Vocals ~Shake |
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