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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
i didnt name a title for this one.. im new to this forum and its my first post. i wrote this for a friend that i deeply love. over many years, i've yet to express my feelings for her. as time cures all things, ive learnt to accept loving her only at a friendship level. i wrote this poem for her yesterday. any comments are welcome..this is the first ever poem ive written.. As the sun never fails to rise… Melissa… I‘ll welcome you with a hug or a cup of tea, And live in the moment of ecstasy You are the lifter of my countenance The fire that quenches my every thirst As we drift further and with age, Your beauty will always remain Like the orchid that flourishes in comeliness. Oh the Beauty that needs no change! I’ll welcome you with a hug or a cup of tea Just so we will sit and be... I lift this up like smoke to the heavens Oh let our friendship blaze with tears of contentment. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Ronald Cher - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, before we can talk about your poem, we need you to go back to your profile and turn on and check the 'accepts critiques' box. Any questions you might have can be directed to me through e-mail. Thanks. |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
ok ok ..i just did... go ahead now..any comments on my poem please.. feel free to email me as well. I am love that cannot live yet never dies |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Why did you write the poem? I mean what was the intent, to tell her how you feel or just to put down in words how you feel to get them off your chest? I only ask because this: quote: Tells me more about how you feel than the poem. Once you work out what you’re trying to say you can write the poem to fit, I’d avoid forced rhyme, even out the syllabic count of each line, and fix the following: I‘ll welcome you with a hug or a cup of tea, I’d lose the hug and stick with the tea image; maybe you could expand it – the eastern tea ceremony? And live in the moment of ecstasy Ecstasy doesn’t seem to fit, ecstasy is the pinnacle of pleasure it sort of suggests that things couldn’t get better, if that’s true you’re confusing love with like. You are the lifter of my countenance Lifter? The fire that quenches my every thirst Fire doesn’t quench anything, which means this doesn’t make sense. The rest is much the same. I think you should start again from scratch by first writing down exactly what you want to say. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Ron, If you are a wordsmith having some fun, you done good. If not, you need to talk to Melissa. Remember Tennyson’s famous line about love |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree with Grinch on the hugs and tea thing, but disagree on the fire thing. Yes, fire doesn't quench thirst, but you have a kind of masochist/friendship/pain/love thing going here and I suspect that's what you're really trying to get at. So get at it. You have three references to fire, why not make that the dominant motif? Oh yeah, make the images clearer. |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
“Hi Ron, If you are a wordsmith having some fun, you done good. If not, you need to talk to Melissa.” Hey chopsticks, did I really? Well, I would love to talk to her bout it. I lack courage and a lot of other things. In other words, I have no balls to do it. To be frank, I really don’t want to know what happens next if I do talk to her about it. I am afraid and fearful of that particular risk To Grinch, To begin, I would like to thank you for your honest opinion. There are many things that I would like to explain and justify. (then again, it really proves how lousy my poem is, but is all good right? I’m here to learn) “I think you should start again from scratch by first writing down exactly what you want to say” Well, I’ve really put in too much effort to start from scratch! And I did (or at least I thought) write down every thing I intended to say for the composition of my poem. (But please continue to advice on how I should make it better and importantly, have a better composition in the future) I‘ll welcome you with a hug or a cup of tea, It takes a great deal for one to invite a person to his home, he’s circle of comfort... (I’m sure you guys get where I’m heading) With love ones, be it family or friends. We often welcome them with hugs and kisses. It is a great and deep, although simple, gesture of warmth and trust. (Or at least that’s how I felt). However, with a guest, an acquaintance perhaps? We usually first welcome them with tea or coffee. Hugs seem like an awkward and uncomfortable thing to do yes? Do you get my drift here? I need not explain further with greater detail my intention. I’m quite sure you guys know my intention. And live in the moment of ecstasy I humbly beg to differ! I really gave much thought into this composition especially with the choice of words. This is to further explain to her, even if our friendship is of a state where trust and comfort is lost, I would still feel the same massive joys of welcoming her as to a kin! Ecstasy because I thought I used it to describe the state of “possessed” joy, uncontrollable and detached. But like all possession, the trance always has an ending, it’s not eternal (is there an alternative to further convey my message?) You are the lifter of my countenance It’s a personal thing I have with her. Whenever I have the chance to be with her, she notices a pleasant smile on my face. And she always commented that this smile would last throughout the night! Of course, I didn’t notice this myself. And with all honesty, I’m not exactly a cheerful or a smiley kind of guy. (Don’t get me wrong! I’m no where near depression!) The fire that quenches my every thirst Like what brad said. “but you have a kind of masochist/friendship/pain/love thing going here and I suspect that's what you're really trying to get at”. Spot on brad. I intended this verse to describe how I long and hunger for the passion and warmth as of fire from Melissa. But to the question “fire doesn’t quench thirst”. It does for me. “But it doesn’t make sense Ronald?” Precisely….(but if you guys feel differently, its understandable. Im green to poems!) Please! Any sort of comments WILL be greatly and humbly accepted!( I wouldn’t be posting in here then would i?) Please advice me more brad and Grinch! Many felt that ive have great depth and intentions in this poem, but it didn’t have the ability to pull through to tell the entire story and message: ( p.s brad..hmmm maybe i should! I am love that cannot live yet never dies |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ron, I will guarantee you are not going to dazzle her with your poetry. You have nothing to loose ,tell her how you feel . Talking to her is win, win for you. The next time you have tea put a little something in the tea and then watch out for them hugs. It’s called liquid balls Btw, I’m assuming both of you are single and age wise are in the same decade . I mean you are not like forty and she is not like twenty. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm not sure if this is what Chop intended, but the whole thing reminds me of a prefessor's anecdote: You sweat and you bleed, you write that one poem and give it to that one woman and she says: "That was great. Write another one!"  Pretty good advice if you ask me. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi. There seem to be a couple of things going on here. One, you state that you have put too much time into this to start over from scratch, yet, it is your first poem, and you wrote it yesterday. I think suggestions are being made that what you have done is completed a first draft. Well, that's a good thing, and everybody and everything starts someplace. One thing you might ask yourself is why is your explanation much stronger than the poem itself? You've stated that you were very careful in your choice of words. That's good too. But let's look at this stanza: "As we drift further and with age," This is trying to say the same thing twice. The sense is "as we age." There's no rationale behind "As we drift further." The common closer on this phrase is "apart," and that's not what you mean. "Your beauty will always remain Like the orchid that flourishes in comeliness." Again, a "sense" problem with the simile. Orchids flourish in swamps. If you look at an orchid PLANT, there is nothing "comely" about them or their environment at all. The thought is there, but not thought through. "Oh the Beauty that needs no change!" If you are continuing the orchid simile, their beauty depends entirely upon change, from a vegetative to a flowering state, their beauty is fleeting and infrequent. I think this is the kind of thing Grinch and Brad are looking at with you. Best, Jim |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
lol..chopsticks. im 20 and she is 21. hmmmm..but she had two past relationships in the time when i felt this attachment. she is currently in love with a guy 8 or 10 years older than him though! the irony! |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
To Jim, Hmmm…I did put in time. You must have misunderstood me, I composed and drafted it bout a month back. I wrote it and gave it to her “yesterday”. (lol, if it really sucked that bad, I’ve planned a foolish mistake Oh well…) I totally agree with the “explanation stronger than the poem” that’s why I post it here for critique and help! Really appreciated your comments on the 2nd verse… I never knew so much about orchids! I have a few by my window and they just looked beautiful to me. Unlike roses where people generally relate them to love, orchids are more subtle I guess? But really thanks! Im definitely going to revise this whole verse now that you’ve pointed it out, it really doesnt make any sense.. Jim how about the other verses? Why can't i convey my message well? is it because i wrote it at my personally level and thats why no one can relate to it?… I personally thought the poem could deliver! guess i was SO wrong) with the comments ive heard im pretty sure it did the opposite of what i intended!!!. ( OH BOY…and its already in her hands..) To brad, Lol, that bad huh? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: I’m still confused as to the intent Dear Melissa, I thought I’d write down a few words to explain my feelings towards you, while I appreciate you as a friend I also find myself attracted to you in other ways. This is really hard for me to put into words because the last thing I want to do is shout my undying love from the highest steeple only to find that the feelings aren’t mutual and my voicing them ruins the friendship I hold so dear. I guess in simple terms what I’m trying to ask is can you see us ever being more than just good friends and if not can we at least stay good friends. Is that roughly what you meant to say? |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
To Grinch yes, more or less thats how I feel towards her Grinch…accept this part of “I guess in simple terms what I’m trying to ask is can you see us ever being more than just good friends and if not can we at least stay good friends” and the part of "im worried that if i did tell her, i would ruin everything" thats true but time made it more like "i know that it will never work out so it would be pointless to even try" the intent of my poem is quite different from my feelings ( oh god… you’re right Grinch, maybe I should really start from scratch! Do you still see any hope of this poem?) simply… verse one: tell her how she meant to me verse two: tell her how beautiful she is verse three: even though some part of me still wishes and hopes to God for an opportunity to have the perichoresis love, I accept and am satisfied to just be friends… even if I wanted to “shout my undying love from the highest steeple” |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- To clarify, orchids grow in almost every climate, just as love flourishes in the most unlikely places. (This is a hint about poem-making.) I'm no expert on love at 20, but you might just ask her if she wants to hook up. If she says yes, get on with it. If she says no, get over it. If you carry a torch long enough, all you are going to do is burn your hand. Your Pal, Dear Crabby. (Jim) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Yes, no, maybe. I just think it's always good advice to be honest. |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
To brad.. totally agreed... hmmmm..yes no maybe is not exactly honesty ..LOL! but yes..i get the hint : ( To oceanvu.. I've actually moved on! (or at least i think i do)...i do ask her out, and sometimes, she would ask me out too! but of course as a friend... so, its a little hard trying to "hook" up...plus melissa's exact works "im so in love ronald! what should i do!"..my reply "  "and love the idea of orchid grows in every climate!...ok ok..so if i do leave the verse the way it is.. orchid that flourishes in comeliness. like what you said earlier, there is nothing comely about its growth right? now with this new idea that orchid flourishes in every climate, just as her beauty...could i then relate that to being comely? as in, because she will be beautiful in my eyes, come what may, would that make it comely? hmmm..maybe comely is a little subtle... |
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