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Critical Analysis #2
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"Seperated, yet never apart"
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"Seperated, yet never apart" |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
I still can remember that day I cried so hard my tears ran dry for in my arms I held you for the very last time You left this world that day you ascended to the stars leaving behind broken memories and an shattered loveless heart I feel pain, a pain I cant describe which came that dreadful day, the day you died and now how shall I move on when all that I loved in life is gone Something in me just longs to be with you my heart is troubled with memories, memories that I only want to forget for every second I dwell upon you, my life is spent I realize now that I can't forget you Your love still has its hold on me A hold that I truly never want to ease I'm calling out to you, please mine again I can feel your spirit surrounding me silently calling out my name waiting for me to be with you once again to come be with you in heaven some day. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Elias L. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just a quick note: before we can talk about your poem, we need you to turn on the 'accepts constructive critiques' in your profile. Thanks |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
These types are very hard to critique. By focusing on your feelings and not the cause of those feelings, you create a situation that can so easily seen as a criticism of those feelings. And nobody wants to do that (at least not here). I guess we need to know what you're looking for here. I would suggest that you give us a description of the person you have lost, show us the importance, perhaps even in the most insignificant of things, that led you to feel those things you describe. I can say that: quote: struck me as disturbing. While it's not clearly stated in the above, I got the feeling that the 'spirit' was 'calling' you to join her. And that's not a good thing. Good luck! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
93, I think there is a little room for constructive critiques, the title, ANGAT. Are we suppose to critique titles ? Your title ( Seperated, yet never apart ) is an oxymoron. Maybe if you added ( In spirit ) to the title, that would make it work for me. |
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ronaldmight New Member
since 2007-10-27
Posts 8 |
to chopsticks oxymorons often question "sense" and "logic"... i believe if a composer is able to make a reader in tune with his senseless poem and having able to bring the reader to understand the "sense" of which the composer intended at the final full spot, it would be amazing. wont it??? what do you think of my signature sticks! LOL! I am love that cannot live yet never dies |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A litte late: Are we suppose to critique titles ? Yes, you can. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"I am love that cannot live yet never dies" That quote I don’t think is to off base,but America’s second greatest general may have said it best “ Old soldiers never die, they just fade away” |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
just so you know, this poem isnt based of personal experience. i just felt it one day so i wrote it. taht is all |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
To 93 " oxymorons often question "sense" and "logic"... I wasn't questioning anything, I was simple saying the title was contradictory. I didn't think it was personal until you said it was something you felt. Brad was right when he said, any comments on your poem could be taken the wrong way. All I can say is, "Cheer up it may not be so" Btw, this may not be the best advice as I'm only 23 years old. |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
i just felt like writing the poem. i ddint feel the emotions. i just want you to understand taht. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
93, I understand. I have a rule never to think poems are based on personal experience, unless the author says so. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, First, I would change 'seperate' to 'separate' -- that's been bugging me for a while.  Second, Write up a character study of both the speaker and the deceased. The most frustrating thing about this piece is that you don't give us enough information about the two to really 'see' them. Write a unique tale of both of them, quirky, exotic, whatever. I would probably try to show that the couple wasn't exactly perfect -- something like the Tony's mom in The Sopranos, "He was a saint, a saint!" Then, write the poem choosing from that just enough detail to get the characters across without burdening the reader. Sound good? [This message has been edited by Brad (11-02-2007 08:19 PM).] |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
yeah that sounds good. ill try that |
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