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A Mystery Solved
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Mystery Solved |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I wrote this six years ago on the thirtieth anniversary of the event. I revised it following Essorant’s advice to someone on here: Eight syllables in each line, four lines to each stanza and try to rhyme it. So that’s how it’s done ? I didn’t know until you said so. A mystery Solved , I was sitting by a campfire. It was a long, long time ago. I was roasting a fish I caught, I was cooking it really slow. I had stuffed it with an onion, and with some old bay seasoning I was getting kind of hungry, The aroma was very pleasing. I was about to have my dinner. It had started a heavy snow. I was thinking of a warm bed, as I slipped on my poncho. When up walked this fellow, that really looked like all hell. Just like a traveling salesman, that had not, ever made a sell. He’s soaking wet from head to toe. He did not have a word to say. I truly wished that he would go; but I knew that he would stay. He was wearing a business suit, with a pair of brown loafer shoes. He was clutching to a brief case, that he really didn’t want to lose. Then he stepped up very close to warm himself, on my roaring fire. Looked with hunger at my fish, showing a great deal of desire. Mister here, please take this brief case, and have a twenty dollar bill. If I can eat some of that fish, Sir, until I have had my fill. Help yourself, I politely said. Then quickly, he threw me the case. He started eating my big fish. A happy simle came on his face. It all happened in a heart beat. There was nothing that I could do. He was choking on a fish bone. He was choughing and turning blue. I asked him, what is your name pal, before he went into a stupor. He whispered his last words on earth, my name is D. B. Cooper I left him real quickly buried, under about a foot of snow. I finished my thanksgiving fish, on that long ride to Mexico. A link for all you guys under fifty. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DB_Cooper [This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-17-2007 09:19 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't think the mystery's been solved quite yet. I like some of the quatrains here and it almost seems like the more you wrote, the better it got. I do like the Cooper touch (and I'm under 50 but I know who he is/was). For a good model on this stuff, you might try taking a look at Mike's stuff (Balladeer). This, however, is the first step. There's a lot more to talk about. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chopsticks: Essorant suggest eight syllables, four beats and rhyme because that is how Essorant often writes. It works in ballads, but it is not the only way to do it. Think of Gordon Lightfoot's "The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald," Or Bob Dylan's "When your lost in Juarez, and it's raining and it's Easter time too..." Both ballads, both mold breakers. Other Balladeer who might interest you are the Australian Banjo Patterson, and the American Woody Guthrie. Balladeers also play with the form, or play it striaght. These from my old friend Robert Burns: Notice the playfulness with rhyme and form: "You take the high road and I'll take the low road And I'll be in Scotland afore ye, Where me and my true love were ever wont t' gae, On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond." And the difference here: "Cauld winter was howlin' o'er moor and o'er mountain, And wild was the wind as it came from the sea, When I spied a young lassie all lost and forsaken, Wha asked me the road and the miles tae Dundee." Point is, there isn't one particular "way." And if you really want to drive yourself nuts, try "Childe Harold." Hope this doesn't provoke angina.  Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, I think I’m smart, you think I’m an idiot. So let’s compromise and say I’m the smartest idiot you know. I have learned more about poetry on this forum than some I was on for years. It may be that I just reached a learning Plateau . Let me tell you this first. A lot of stupid readers don’t get my stuff . Now that being said, how was my rhythm in this poem . " Hope this doesn't provoke angina " Hey, I'll do the jokes on my thread . |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chopsticks: First, I don't think you're an idiot at all. If I offer up suggestions that you already understand, it's because I don't know you yet and haven't seen a lot of your work. I'm just a guy talking. If I thought you were an idiot (and I never made that comment) my response would be not to comment at all. (And sometimes I don't comment just because I don't have time., not because I don't see promise, delight, and competency in a particular piece. Your rhythm in this poem works well when it is read aloud, as it should be. It's playful. There are variations in the lines, trimeter and tetrameter, but that kind of technical analysis doesn't interest me as much how the poem sounds, how the images fit together. DOES IT MOVE A READER AS WELL AS ENGAGE? The poem certainly engaged me, otherwise, no response would have been forthcoming. Move me? Not really. But that's OK, that's just me. "I had stuffed it with an onion, and with some old bay seasoning" These lines, no matter how I try to contort them, don't scan in any particular way. On the other hand, they "read out loud" quite fine! There is another question at work which affects most of us: "Do you want people to "get" your work in a greeting card verse way, or do you want to "do" your work, which is the writing, put it out there, and see what happens? See the Grinch thread on "Birthday" in this forum if you haven't been there. IRRELEVANT ADENDA: I get to tell jokes too. It's part of my nature. Silly ass poem: Roses are red, Violets are indeterminate. If you're gonna drink Mescal, Don't swallow the worm in it. Best, Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, the idiot thing was a total joke, I guess it wasn’t funny. I like to get something from life and write a poem about it. I have no agenda. I have played poker with my brother and sometime during the game he would say, “Everything is wild the first man over wins “ That’s my life in a nut shell. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I HAVE READ SEVERAL TIMES OF THIS ONE。 I ENJOYED THE STORY。 BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT MYSTERIOUS。 AND ALCOHOL ALWAYS WASHES THE THUTH OUT。：） |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"AND ALCOHOL ALWAYS WASHES THE THUTH OUT" Tom, this is much more than ALCOHOL. Btw, the working title was, " A Mystery Solved Or Maybe Not" |
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