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Critical Analysis #2
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Global warming
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Global warming |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
The true believer They have come with righteous numbers. They have said, times running out. They have told, it all could crumble. Your reply has been a flout. Could you please, stop for a moment. Listen to their mournful plea. When artic ice turns to water, terror comes from sea to sea. Yes it’s an old, old story, of man’s eternal gall. As he fails to see so clearly, “The hand writing on the wall.” You must come true believer to your very own conclusion ; is plant earth, going through, the latent heat of fusion ? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I've read this several times and you start with a Biblical tone. Why not drop the rhyme and stick with that? I don't know, this may create more problems than it solves, but at least I don't have to deal with gall/wall and conclusion/fusion.  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, thanks for the reply, A true believer can be righteous without being Biblical. I did not mean for my poem to have any Biblical tone; but if it did, it’s more my fault than the reader, I think. I am cursed with a orderly mind and I can not write poetry that doesn’t rhyme. Where I live if you do something with good conscious and motive, it is righteous. I’ll just try again and when I get one right, I’ll be happy to hear from Brad. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, I was thinking that a Biblical tone might be appropriate for the theme. Maybe along the lines of the Psalms or Whitman or something. On the other hand, it might be fun to play with the speaker/narrator (as opposed to the author )of the poem. Good luck. [This message has been edited by Brad (10-07-2007 07:46 AM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think this mostly needs a few less periods and a bit more metrical consistency. As well giving all the lines rhymes may give it a bit more poetic puissance. Here is a loose suggestion: They come, a righteous-numbered lot, To tell us time is running out And all may crumble to a naught, But your reply has been a flout. May not ye lend a while your ears And listen to their mournful plea? When arctic ice turns into tears, Then terror comes from sea to sea. Yes, as a story it is old of man’s eternal, bitter gall, Who fails in judgement to behold That bold "handwriting on the wall.” Ye must arrive, believer true, To find and hold your own conclusion; Is planet earth thus going through The latency and heat of fusion? Do you think that sounds better? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Essorant, I think your suggested poems is much better than mine. I have just one question, who owns it? I hope I do. Is there any chance of getting you to suggest something for " Should I know "? That is much more important to me than the lost cause of Global Warming |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Perhaps it's time to go home. Immediately. Those are Ess's words. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Those are Ess's words“. Brad, Ess may just give me the poem. The juices that flow in Canada may be more compassionate. I'm getting on that 10 O'Clock train for home ; so Ess if you do give me the poem, here is thanks in advance. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Chopsticks, It is completely up to you. That is why I gave it as a suggestion. I'm glad if it may help and if you may use it in any way you wish. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thank you Essorant, I was right about Canadians. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Perhaps they are but he should still get credit. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, you are taking this to serious, I think. When I sale the poem to the Wall Street Journal I will give all the money and credit to the gentleman from Canada. Everybody at this forum knows who wrote the good one. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Unfortunately, I have to. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
A suggestion for improvement is given in voluntary charity. There is nothing due in return. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"When I sale the poem to the Wall Street Journal I will give all the money and credit to the gentleman from Canada." The above was said in jest ;but Sir, you are a 24K gentleman. |
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