navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » The Unknowing Farewell
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Unknowing Farewell Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
b.costen
Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107
ontario, CAN

0 posted 2007-10-03 08:32 AM


people saying goodbye to each other
watching them
(to me) it seems like a cold exchange

often, one of them has forgotten what the other looks like
even before they’ve turned to leave

give me peace
i want to stay with you

if i watch one more person say goodbye
i think i’ll die (i tell you, joking, but serious, in a way)

blank faces
dominate the left and leaving

why do it
everytime i do, i want to go back
i don’t want to be alone, do i?

there was that one girl
she blew a kiss to the old man (on the street),
whose guitar music
she had danced to
she turned and looked him in the eyes
and smiled

and walked away

she had golden hair
she is the nicest girl i’ve ever known

maybe i’ll see her again sometime
i smile to myself when i think of her graceful
approach to leaving someone for dead

maybe goodbyes are the dramatic pause in the symphony of life
we collect our thoughts
devise plans
and agree to meet again

and on rifles the brash treble clef
kept steady by that heart below it
ever beating
but a silence lasts long enough
to jolt her back into renewal
appreciation (for continuation)

© Copyright 2007 ben costen - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
1 posted 2007-10-04 03:24 PM


OK, This is kind of fuzzy, and brings up the question, “Why is this a poem?”  (For exhaustive and excruciating takes on this topic, see the P101 thread on What is Poetry.  It may or may not add something) .


"people saying goodbye to each other
watching them
(to me) it seems like a cold exchange

often, one of them has forgotten what the other looks like
even before they’ve turned to leave

Here is the statement: When people say goodbye to each other, it can be a cold exchange.  No matter how you break up the thought or modify it, it is a prosaic statement, and OF COURSE it’s from your point of view.  It’s a reasonable observation, but, as your  modifier “often” acknowledges, it is not a general statement.  There is no music in these lines, and not much impact.

"give me peace
i want to stay with you"

This is where the poem ends.

"if i watch one more person say goodbye
i think i’ll die (i tell you, joking, but serious, in a way)"

This is where the poem begins, but there is no need at all for the parenthetical aside.

"blank faces
dominate the left and leaving"

OK. Pretty good lines, actually.  

"why do it
everytime i do, i want to go back
i don’t want to be alone, do i?"

I don’t know, do you?    What follows is another poem altogether, which suffers from mangled syntax and serious referential problems.  So lets do the first one with a thought toward compression and impact:

"if i watch one more person say goodbye
i think i’ll die

blank faces
dominate the left and leaving

give me peace
i want to stay with you"

That’s the poem, all in your words.  If this makes any sense to you, you might want to look at the second poem along the lines of:

"a girl blowing kisses
to an old man on the street:
She danced to his guitar music
looked him in the eye..

Etc.

It’s just someone talking to you.  Don’t get annoyed.     Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2007-10-04 09:03 PM


quote:
if i watch one more person say goodbye
i think i’ll die


Agree with Jim here. This is where it should start.


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » The Unknowing Farewell

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary