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Critical Analysis #2
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longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia

0 posted 2007-09-26 11:26 PM


Flight 5/7/5

Kookaburra bray
Silences the other birds
Welcoming the day

Red green colours bright
Lorikeet on wings so fleet
Watch in pure delight

Foetid swamp is why
Opalescent dragonfly
Graces morning sky

Pelicans gliding
Black and white in perfect flight
Comically landing

Haunting caw in air
Harbinger of loneliness
Omen of despair

Heron tall on log
Rapier swift the silhouette
Goodbye weary frog

Nonchalant flitting
Gorgeous hues unsubdued
Butterfly sitting

Contrails; aircraft fuels
Metal mimicry you see
Provenance of fools

Haunting spectral sight
Silent death on silken wing
Owl welcomes the night

Silence shimmers past
Power of fear flowering
Bats feeding at last


Flight 3/5/3

Dawning rays
Kookaburra brays
Others wait

Lorikeet
Red green colours bright
Pure delight

Swamp is why
Red blue dragonfly
Gracing sky

Pelicans
Majestic in flight
Clowns landing

Loneliness
Haunting caw in air
Dark omens

Tall on log
Rapier swift strike
Goodbye frog

Nonchalant
Gorgeous colours
Butterfly

Contrail high
Metal mimicry
Flight dies

Silent death
Haunting spectral sight
Welcome Owl

Bats feeding
Silence shimmers past
Fears flower


Just playing here with both 5/7/5 and 3/5/3
..
.


Live It

© Copyright 2007 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
1 posted 2007-09-27 12:13 PM


Hi -- If You are playing, you seem to be playing very hard and very well.  I know it's a drag to put up one haiku at a time, but yeesh, how does one respond to 20-odd?

I talked about haiku on another site, and was clobbered for knowing nothing about the form by, ah, looney tunes, so I'm not going to let loose here.

You might want to look up Huan Yi's (John's) work in this manner in Open.  He gets it much more often dead on that not.  He has an available email address, but he tends to be terse, or shall we say, compressed in his responses.

Asking anyone to comment on this "lot" involves a chore of some magniture.  I hope these came to you in a "burst" of creative energy.  Happens fortuitously some times!

I'm particluarly tickled by the freshness, to our non-Aussie ears, of down under imagery and thought.

Just as a thought, and not criticism, why not pull out your favorite four our five, always hard to do with our "children," and put them up for a go at them.  Makes reasoned response a bit easier, and probably more relevant when concentrated.

If you don't post in this wacko forum often, I encourage you to do so, because you are clearly one of the more sophisticated posters.  You may know already that this is a friendly, if decidely opinionated group.

Only thing I question is your notion of "playing around."  You don't have to denigrate yourself.  When a lot of poets "play around," it's only after wiping off the blood,

Nice to meet you, Jim

longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
2 posted 2007-09-27 01:54 AM


Hi mate
Reason I said playing round was fairly simple
Just learning about haikus etc now
There is one school of thought that says 5/7/5 and another that says do whatever you like
So I rewrote the haikus as 3/5/3

There is some form of haiku that has a group of haiku following a 'trend/influence/design'
This group is supposed to attempt that

Thanks for input

Peter

Live It

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
3 posted 2007-09-27 02:28 AM


Hi Peter, Nice to meet you!  Go, Go, Go!

Best, Jim

Stephanos
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA
4 posted 2007-09-27 02:46 AM


Maybe one day I'll seriously try Haiku.

I'm just too wordy to cram everything down that small!  I'm too western-minded I suppose.




Stephen

longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
5 posted 2007-09-27 05:48 AM


Hi Stephanos
If you read any of my other bits I can usually agree with your sentiments exactly

Only just started playing with haiku
Really difficult to get enough expression into so few words; which helps increase precision [I think]

Having FUN
Peter

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2007-09-27 07:38 PM


quote:
Pelicans
Majestic in flight
Clowns landing


Personal favorite.

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