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viking_metal
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since 2007-02-02
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In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-09-15 09:14 PM


Up, up, up!

You raise the lamb-leather
Smoothed over with a polished, impregnable sheen
An artificial finish
Until it nearly blots out, polishes away, my childhood sun.

Whipcrack, whipcrack
     My teeth chew through my lips
Whipcrack, whipcrack
    My little hand will try, so feebly, to stop your mighty wrist
Whipcrack, whipcrack
    The black, zippered seams hold this hate together

I rise above you mother now,
Mother no more.

As a child of six.
(this one just plain needs help, thanks!)

© Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved
Brad
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since 1999-08-20
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Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2007-09-16 06:07 PM


What about two parallel descriptions, a contrast between the rythmic beating and an inner life.

The only thing that really bothered me here is 'hate'. I suspect such feelings are a bit more nuanced than that.

And that is what creates the emotional tug.


Allysa
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since 1999-11-09
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In an upside-down garden
2 posted 2007-09-16 10:52 PM


My tongue tripped over the repetition of "whipcrack", not the first time, but later on in the stanza, and I agree with Brad about the use of the word hate the last line of that stanza. I feel like another word would fit better and could enhance the overall piece, but I'm not entirely sure what it should be.

I will be back later.. But for now, I'll be pondering what that word should be.

viking_metal
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since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
3 posted 2007-09-16 11:25 PM


Thanks very much! I agree with both of you, and the reason I posted this is because it didn't seem quite complete and I certainly didn't know what to do with it. Thats why I have you!

Thanks again.

Valedictions,

-paul

moonbeam
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4 posted 2007-09-17 04:49 AM


Viking

This was a good start but agree with Brad and Allysa.

I never do this usually and I apologise in advance if you feel it's inappropriate to rewrite the poem, but I'm short of time and it will take to long to do a line by line.

The poem suffers from over-telling.  The are several places where you add words that are simply not necessary, and either make the piece sound over-poetic or spoil the "cleaness" of the read.  I have removed the bits I think you can do without and I've tried to address the "hate" issue.  Sorry it's so hurried, I hope you see what I mean.

Oh the like the end slant rhymes that are now achieved in S2 btw (lips,wrist,this).


You raise the lamb-leather,
Smoothed over with a polished sheen,
An artificial finish,
Until it blots out my childhood.

Whipcrack, whipcrack
     My teeth chew through my lips
Whipcrack, whipcrack
    My little hand will try, so feebly, to stop your wrist
Whipcrack, whipcrack
    The black, zippered seams print this:

The womb whipped away
Stripe by stripe, to where I
Rise above you mother.

viking_metal
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since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
5 posted 2007-09-19 10:56 PM


Thank you very much, and i see no problems with you revising and rewriting the poem, as it gives me a very clear image of exactly what you're thinking. Thanks a lot, i'll be taking much of that into consideration.


Anyone else? Please?

-paul

Brad
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since 1999-08-20
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Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2007-09-19 11:20 PM


VM,

I suppose, hope that you saw this one coming.

But you keep asking for more comments on your poem, but I don't see you giving comments (Some, sure.). Instead of asking, start giving.

If none of the current group turn you on, do some digging, pop a few up.

Just don't tell me that you don't know how to critique.

Please!

beautyincalvary
Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98

7 posted 2007-09-19 11:41 PM


I also stumble over the repeated "whipcrack"...

Maybe if you only do one, or if you do two then one then two or alternate in some way it will be easier to read?

viking_metal
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since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
8 posted 2007-09-20 05:55 PM


Thank you very much, i will try and work with the whipcrack blah de blahs. Hah!

Brad:

Truly, the amount of criticism i have been giving lately has declined. I'll get on that like nobody's business. Heh...

Brad
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Jejudo, South Korea
9 posted 2007-09-20 08:01 PM


Well, it was just a suggestion.


moonbeam
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10 posted 2007-09-21 03:19 AM


I'm not sure how you took that "nobody's business" of vikings Brad, but just in case you misunderstood I think he means that he realises that he's not done many crits lately and he'll get on to it right away and correct the position.

Sorry to interfere if you already knew that, its just your reply sounded defensive.

M

Not A Poet
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11 posted 2007-09-21 09:57 AM


Brad defensive?
Brad
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Jejudo, South Korea
12 posted 2007-09-21 04:52 PM


Not defensive but reticent to start pushing the whole comment thing again. We used to do that a  lot with very varied results.

I really do think that if one paricipates more, they'll get more out of this forum, but when push comes to shove, they'll talk if they want to and won't if they don't.

And there ain't nothing we can do about it.


Grinch
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since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
13 posted 2007-09-21 05:58 PM



I liked hate, though I agree with Moonbeam that it’s too wordy but then again I think his rewrite is still too wordy.  I’d cut the whipcracks down to one per line and perhaps use a repetition of words to start the following 3 lines. Something like this:


Whipcrack,
     My teeth through lips
Whipcrack
    My hand to catch your wrist
Whipcrack
    My hate for zippered seams

I liked the child of six which has to be a play on ‘six of the best’, you could add emphasis to it though by cutting it down something like:

I rise above you mother,
I, a child of six.

Sorry for the rewrites they're not very good but hopefully help to explain what I was getting at.

"There's a blaze of light in every word
it doesn't matter which you heard
the holy or the broken Hallelujah"
Leonard Cohen

moonbeam
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14 posted 2007-09-22 04:33 AM


I know Brad, but in this case I think Viking was agreeing with you.

And gentle reminders don't hurt imo.


viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
15 posted 2007-09-24 08:59 PM


Thanks all, The critiques seem to point to wordiness, and apparrently that opinion is unanimous. I'll cook up a revision.
Stephanos
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16 posted 2007-09-25 12:03 PM


Brad:
quote:
The only thing that really bothered me here is 'hate'. I suspect such feelings are a bit more nuanced than that.


Sorry to comment on a comment rather than the poem itself ...

but I just had to add that, to me, this is only a suggestion that "hate" itself is more nuanced than most imagine.


Stephen  

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