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beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

0 posted 2007-09-15 07:01 PM

(This is a first draft that I just wrote.)

We are the fruit of global warming,
and we respire through our stomata;
see-oh-two traveling,
twist around the xylem and reach toward the sunlight-

gasps;

but, oh, not yet,
(in a process I don't understand),
oxygen releases and everyone sighs-
in-out-in-out-
in a perfectly perfect atmosphere.
(so nonexistent)

and oh we grow so-
so tall,
envied by the seeping sycamores,
so tall.

Then,
when we are queens of the pacific mist,
we cease;
not to exist;
burdened by the bubbles, which
are holes in a duodecillion straws, which
sever our aitch-two-oh;
we cannot grow.

We do not dream,
We do not think,
We do not concern ourselves with you;
We do not reveal our mystery which you have not discovered.

The bitter waves,
violent winds,
deliver our fertile moisture,
sunlight illuminates off our chlorophyll;
we are beautiful-

We cannot grow.

See-oh-two crushes the universe,
our friends and enemies are
crimson in factories,
we bleed sticky tears
and you make syrup.

We are the fruit of global warming;
Our stomata close to retain
aitch-two-oh;
we are the fruit, the pears, the apples,
so pretty
yet we are the fruit.
Our stomata close to retain aitch-two-oh
and we cannot let out
your oxygen.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-09-16 05:58 PM

This is great for a first draft.

I can quibble here and there and no doubt I will time permitting, but just wanted to let you know that there are many, many good things at work here.

I will say that one of the great strengths here is that it doesn't sound like a protest poem. Whatever happens try to stay away from that strident, self-righteous tone that makes so many protest poems fall without the sound of timber.

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

2 posted 2007-09-16 10:23 PM

Thank you.

To me, it seems very confused. It is about a tree's protest to global warming, but when I finished writing it, I was almost trembling with anger and grief, and I just can't figure out what I really mean, if that even makes sense. Is that insane?

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2007-09-17 02:25 PM

Hi Beauty in Calvary!  This draft would get an A if just for the use of the duodecillion -- 10 to the 39th power -- a perfectly apt word which comes up in conversation about once every 25 years!

Some types of imagist and haiku/senryu forms seem to flash onto the page -- a sort of first thought/best thought thing.  (of course, it can take twenty five years to get good at this!)

Others seem to work this way:  A poet gets an idea and starts to write.  In the ACT of writing, the poem goes where it goes, sometimes into fortuitous territory, sometimes into the trash.

So, you've ventured into fortuitous territory.  The neat thing about revision is you get to go back and make sure every line, every word, take you to where the poem is determined to go, as in your reference to coastal redwoods.  Ace.

You might ask where the following lines fit in the the context of the draft:

"We do not dream,
We do not think,
We do not concern ourselves with you;
We do not reveal our mystery which you have not discovered"

Since the poem personifies trees, it seems that here trees do indeed dream, think, and are concerned with us.  In fact, you have them talking to us throughout.

The other trick of revision is to enhance the spirit, not over think and kill it.

Best, Jim

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

4 posted 2007-09-17 06:09 PM

Thanks, Jim!

I think you're right with the verse seeming out of place. When I was writing it, I started heading in a direction, but I changed back after that verse and it just doesn't fit. However, one of my favorite parts is the "We don't reveal the mystery" line. I'll have to think about that one.

What got this poem in my mind is actually learning about plant growth in my AP Biology class. There was a question about global warming on our test, and I started thinking about how, because of the heating planet, plants close their stoma to retain water, and if they are closing the stoma, they are not converting C02 into oxygen. (My teacher would tease me relentlessly about this poem.)

Anyway, do you think that the parenthetical sides add or detract?

Thanks,
emmy

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

5 posted 2007-09-19 05:23 PM

Hi, Emmy!  The first parenthetical remark isn't necessary to the poem, which is about the trees, not's your understanding.  The second parenthetical remark doesn't really need parentheses.

Something to think about in terms of distractions:  Do "aitch-two-oh" and "see-oh-too" say more that H20 and CO2?  You might think about whether this is cute, fey, or an important way of saying something special.

I'd enjoy reading a revision if you undertake one.  You are off to a good start.

Best, Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2007-09-19 06:42 PM

quote:
It is about a tree's protest to global warming,

well, it is and it isn't.

quote:
but when I finished writing it, I was almost trembling with anger and grief,

Yep. Some of us have been there.

quote:
and I just can't figure out what I really mean, if that even makes sense.

Not at all. I think you've let the words do the writing. Now comes the rewriting.

quote:
Is that insane?

Not at all. The only danger is that you might begin to like it.

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

7 posted 2007-09-19 07:10 PM

Okay, a revision:

(I also renamed it, finding the previous title too plain and obvious.)

Reprisal
We are the fruit of global warming,
and we respire through our stoma;
see-oh-two traveling,
twist around the xylem and reach toward the sunlight-

gasps;

but, oh, not yet,
oxygen releases and everyone sighs-
in-out-in-out; in
a perfectly perfect atmosphere,
so nonexistent.

And oh we grow so-
so tall,
envied by the seeping sycamores,
so tall.

The bitter waves,
violent winds,
deliver our moisture fertile-
sunlight illuminates off our chlorophyll;
acidic beads waltz upon our leaves.

Then. When
we are queens of the pacific mist,
we cease;
not to exist;
burdened by the bubbles, which
are holes in a duodecillion straws, which
sever our aitch-two-oh;
we cannot grow.

We cannot grow.

See-oh-two melts the universe,
our friends and enemies are
crimson in factories,
we bleed sticky tears
and you make syrup.

We are the fruit of global warming;
Our stoma close to retain
aitch-two-oh;
we are the tart berries, the sweet pears,
and closed are our stoma,
aitch-two-oh retaining, oh and
we cannot let out
your oxygen.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

8 posted 2007-09-19 07:32 PM

Hi, Emmy! Good, good work! Much cleaner and the new lines are solid improvements. You have a fresh voice and burgeoning talent. Nurture it, please, by reading poetry out loud, and write write write!

Let the words take you where they do. Thats the joy of it. It's not insanity, but it can become addictive!

Best, Jim

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

9 posted 2007-09-19 07:44 PM

why thank you

I think I'm going to submit this to a "Youth Symposium" at my school, because it's one of my favorites thus far.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

10 posted 2008-08-03 03:52 PM

oops sorry Emily ...wrong poem

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