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Critical Analysis #2
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My Life the Storm
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My Life the Storm |
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bigbrownlashes New Member
since 2007-09-09
Posts 6 |
My Life the Storm I'm falling I'm falling into a deep black sea I'm falling I'm falling and it's no ones fault but me I'm sinking I'm sinking the waves pulling me under I'm sinking I'm sinking I think I'm hearing thunder the sea is my life the waves are my lies the thunder repeats the voices can't you hear my cries I can be my only hope or my own worst nightmare I think I've proven that I can be my best friend or my worst enemy I've struck out with my bat I've sunk I'm under I'm done No more thunder Okay so that was it. What do you think? I'm new to all this but want to know what everyone thinks so please let me know. Thanks in advanced. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think it's clear that you're new to this. That's fine, we all have to go through it. But we have to be careful here. What do you want to accomplish with this? My first advice is simple: drop the rhyme and concentrate on the picture. |
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bigbrownlashes New Member
since 2007-09-09
Posts 6 |
Drop the rhyme? Okay, which means like redo it b/c the whole thing is like...yeah. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Of course, try a second rewrite without rhyme, don't concentrate on your feelings so much as on what is happening. Of course, it might behoove you to read my last two threads/poems, and to take any advice I give you with a degree of caution. Actually, that's a good thing to remember when advice comes from your friends, a professor, or anybody else here.  |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I agree with Brad, sort of. Getting across what you’re trying to say in a poem and getting it to rhyme at the same time isn’t easy, invariably one tends to drag the other into all sorts of directions, normally a long way from where you were intending to get. What you can end up with is a picture riddled with forced rhyme, or perfect rhyme but a story that doesn’t make sense, in extreme cases you can even get the worse of both, a story that makes no sense which is riddled with forced or predictable rhyme. One answer is to re-write without rhyme but you don’t need to leave it there, if you really want to use rhyme you can re-add it in revision number three. Take this for instance: I'm falling I'm falling into a deep black sea I'm falling I'm falling and it's no ones fault but me And concentrating on the picture: I’ve fallen Into life’s black sea Treading water Reflecting on the flaw Then re-adding the rhyme: I’ve fallen Into life’s black sea Treading water While the flaw reflects me BTW my advice may need slightly more seasoning than simple caution – I’d consider a generous pinch of salt. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
To focus on one small thing, the use of 'bat' doesn't fit at all with the rest of your poem. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
quote: This should be said to us all. And a song that I was writing is left undone. I don't know why I spend my time writing songs I can't believe With words that tear and strain to rhyme -Paul Simon |
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