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Critical Analysis #2
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hopskotch
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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hopskotch |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
the pavement runs dark and cold frostbitten fingers etch a tale of pink and lavender princesses but not blue as her lips in the air or on the right thigh not the sky overcast in hidden shadows she smiles |
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| © Copyright 2007 emily boresow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I have no idea. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Another addition to the clouds of confusion. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not quite. There is reading and not understanding and then there is not understanding before reading. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
And another. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
There is reading and then there is skimming. Was it really that difficult? At any rate, quote: This is obvious enough I guess. Run is metaphorical of course. The artificial ground is cold and black. quote: Presumably, the tale was etched in this pavement. So far, it coheres in a way. quote: She has blue lips and the women in the tale aren't. Got it. This still fits but we're starting to lose something here. It's almost as if you started with one idea and then got sidetracked into another. quote: and we head off into random word association: thigh/sky -- sky/overcast -- overcast/hidden -- hidden/shadows -- shadows/smiles That last one may not be very clear, but the idea of someone hiding in the shadows laughing at others is common enough I think. An experiment in automatic writing gone bad? |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
the pavement runs dark and cold frostbitten fingers etch a tale of pink and lavender princesses but not blue as her lips in the cold or on her right thigh not the sky overcast in hidden shadows she draws I didn't think it was that confusing, but that must be because I wrote it. It's meant pretty literally, which might have been confusing. What do you mean "automatic writing"? I created this very carefully. Probably too carefully. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Then why do you have two different versions? |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Obviously because the first one was too vague. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Now I'm just confused. But also a little intrigued. A couple of points and then I'll sleep on it and see what I can make of it later: 1. No punctuation. Why? You don't have any real guide for the reader -- that's fine for a certain style of writing, but you seem to be implying that this ain't that kind of writing. Or am I reading you wrong? 2. As a result, it's very difficult to see or figure out where one thought ends and one begins. It makes no sense unless I add certain breaks for you. 3. Linebreaks: At first glance, they seem arbitrary or at least I see no rhythmic reason for those breaks. In a nutshell, you have a poem that does not look polished. It may be polished, I'm not saying you're wrong about your own poem  , but it's a polish that seems intentionally designed to wipe the finish off.Why would you do that? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
the pavement runs dark and cold I didn't understand why the pavement was "running"--without succumbing to the temptation to re-write it, I think I would have emphasized the description as something that stood still in permanence--if only for the comparison/contrast of the literal drawing of the grid. (I like hopscotch poems--I like the idea of dreamy children creating some semblence of "order and rules" in their lives. frostbitten fingers etch a tale this implies that the kid is in need of some warmth, and how this can be achieved can remain vague--I like it vague, actually of pink and lavender princesses there's my contrast I was looking for, I felt this implied that the subject was feeling less than cared-for but not blue as her lips in the cold or on her right thigh I like this as well, as the blue on the right thigh implies, to me--a bruise not the sky overcast in hidden shadows she draws underscore the loneliness factor with that one, along with a twinge of hopelessness, which most children find especially hard to express. I didn't see any confusion here. But maybe I just relate. As I read it again, I actually like it more. Haven't you guys ever seen a hopskotch drawn and wondered about the life of the kid who drew it? It's certainly subjective to interpretation, but then, so are great big birds with pearl eyes...  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The phrase is: "its eyes like golden pearls" I meant that. Golden spheres with no pupils. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
quote: Then why didn't you write that, Brad?  Oh don't mind me--I'm just looking to get my championship trophy back this week.  *laughing* ahem back to you, beauty! |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Thanks, guys. Actually Serenity, you interpreted exactly as I had hoped! That's how I wrote it and you even caught the bruise. Hmm, punctuation... I'm not so sure. I'll experiment with it. I guess it can help, but when I write it, it feels like punctuation clutters it up. I will try it out. |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
the pavement runs dark and cold. frostbitten fingers etch a tale of pink and lavender princesses; but not blue as her lips in the cold, or on her right thigh; not the sky- overcast- in hidden shadows she draws. I've never really understood punctuation/line breaks. I just do what feels right to me, but I could just be ignorant. Care to enlighten me or give me examples of solid punctuation/line breaks? I always ask my English teachers when I show them my poetry, but most of them are pretty worthless in terms of actually critiquing my work. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First, the following are just musings on what you wrote, not advice for a rewrite: Second first, Karen's reading helped a lot and your affirmation cemented the whole idea. And while I'm going to bang my head against a wall for not getting the bruise description, I still think that ultimately the meaning you want expressed here is based on word association. What that means is that the grammar, the punctuation, the mechanics of the poem as a whole are secondary to your goal. I don't, won't, can't recommend this as a solid approach, but, on a personal level, it does help me understand, for example, why your English teachers won't give you any real advice. When Karen says that hers is a subjective interpretation, it's the understatement of the year. It can't be anything else: quote: Karen didn't really get this either, but it has a certain sense to it, it's a kind of prologue. pavement/runs/dark and cold You combine this with the title, hopskotch, a mispelling of the word, and you have an impression. Everything that follows in the poem is summed up here. Of course, you can't see that on a first reading (or in my case the 25th), but it does make a kind of sense. quote: I was stuck to some extent here because 'frostbitten' usually but not always implies gangrene and 'etch' is not the same thing as draw. However, if we see the two with the later princesses, we have an extended hyperbole -- a child's view of the world. I do want to emphasize view, not voice. Again, it is only through association that it works. quote: And it can't be a child's voice because the princesses are not speakers, they are the objects. If I go back, what originally had confused me was attempting to put those fingers on a princess. That's a mistake. There is no connection, they tell no tales. What is happening is that the speaker imagined frostbitten fingers, imagined pink and lavender princess and it became etched in her mind. quote: I still argue that a shift takes place here. Pink and lavender (My daughter's favorite color is purple by the way) represent how the princesses should be seen, not as they are. Blue (sadness), cold, 'bruise' *banging head against wall* contrast the initial impression. quote: And just in case we weren't sure that's what was going on, we are shown that the reality is all around her. A blue sky, of course, is beautiful and that won't work here. There is a tension here. Something, quite frankly, I didn't see before. quote: 'draws' probably works better. 'Smile' gives too much conscious intent to the object. But the final line reinforces that tension between escape and reality: Hidden/shadows/draws [This message has been edited by Brad (09-13-2007 03:31 PM).] |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
yes yes yes! Thank you. I have to admit I was disheartened by the initial responses, especially because this poem ISN'T just "automatic" writing. I did carefully construct it, but obviously it was a tad vague. Changing to "draws" definitely makes more sense. I appreciate the responses! -emmy |
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