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Critical Analysis #2
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The Sleeper.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Sleeper. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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sleeper please wake up and find time to make love within the cups of clouded water placed delicately in the sockets for my eyes sleeper please wake up and find time to make love within the grouted and ground down walls of the fourth floor bathroom In the hotel on market drive sleeper please wake up and find time to open sewn eyes and see the wet sand love that makes me willing to breathe in anything that I must to wake you up. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
None of my work is good enough to go without critique... especially not this... Ha! Please? Anyone? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Give it a little time. Some of us have a lot on our plate right now. |
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Bear New Member
since 2007-08-31
Posts 7IL |
Hi! I read this twice...and something about it stuck with me. So I thought I would make a few comments: I'm not sure I like the repetition of the first three (and four) lines. Mostly I think I don't like it because the lines read harshly to me. sleeper please wake up These two lines don't bother me, it's the next one: sleeper please wake up and find time Something about "and find time" doesn't flow as well. I can't place my finger on what exactly bothers me about it. Maybe it is the lack of punctuation that gets me stumbling when I read this poem. I want to insert pauses that may not actually be there in your mind. sleeper please wake up and find time to make love within the cups of clouded water placed delicately in the sockets for my eyes *I don't get the image here. What are you going for? It really could be that I'm just daft.* sleeper please wake up and find time to make love within the grouted and ground down walls of the fourth floor bathroom In the hotel on market drive *Why the capitalization of "In"?* sleeper please wake up and find time to open sewn eyes and see the wet sand love that makes me willing to breathe in anything that I must to wake you up. I'm not sure if my thoughts are helpful to you. But I hope they give you something to mull over. -Bear |
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Bear New Member
since 2007-08-31
Posts 7IL |
Opps, I meant to get rid of that stupid smiley Icon thingy before I posted that. Sorry. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Haha! Thanks much, Bear. "in" was captilized because microsoft word hates the world. Including me. I can't edit the post now though. Any more? They are welcome, this piece has a bit of meaning behind it for me so I'd like to rework and reshape it into something apprecciable. |
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bigbrownlashes New Member
since 2007-09-09
Posts 6 |
Honestly, I didn't like it very much. not because it was bad just because I didn't follow and it didn't make sense in my weirdo brain. Sorry. |
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