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Critical Analysis #2
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eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada

0 posted 2007-08-23 01:12 AM


Every night, when these clouds come out
I wait for you to tell me it's over,
To just say it's over
Because your love is a hurricane and
I am no longer
The eye of this storm



© Copyright 2007 eminor_angel - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2007-08-23 11:01 AM


quote:
Every night, when these clouds come out
I wait for you to tell me it's over,
To just say it's over
Because your love is a hurricane and
I am no longer
The eye of this storm


I like this because I like the simplicty of the writing. I would delete L3 and the word "becuase" in L4. That will tighten things I think.

Eh, maybe leave "because" I'm not sure about that one.

Nothing earth shattering about this one, but a good write. Keep goin'!

Dane

eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
2 posted 2007-08-24 01:24 AM


Thanks very much for your critique. This one had been floating in my head for months before I actually wrote it out.
Bronzeage
Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197

3 posted 2007-08-24 01:28 AM


You have a powerful image here and the metaphor of the hurricane works very well.
I agree with Dane, "because" should be dropped. I would like to see the first half better developed to show the increased tension to give the huricane metaphor more impact.

Type II poet. Its worth the work.

eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
4 posted 2007-08-24 07:19 PM


revision:

Every night when these clouds come around
I wait for you to say it's over
You won’t stop til it's over
Your love is a hurricane and
I am no longer
The eye of this storm

any better?

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2007-08-24 07:35 PM


Perhaps this:

~*~

Every night, when these clouds come out
I wait for you  
To just say it's over;

Your love is a hurricane,
and I am no longer
The eye of this storm.

~*~

From reading the above comments, this is the image I got from all of their suggestions.

The imagery presented by you is strong, the metaphor is clear.

Good job!



viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
6 posted 2007-08-29 12:33 PM


Every night, when these clouds come out
I wait for you to tell me it's over,
to just say it's over
Because your love is a hurricane
and I am no longer
The eye of this storm


Excellent short piece. I liked it very much. My revision consisted of moving only the word "and."

Nice poem, I will keep reading if you keep posting.

eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
7 posted 2007-08-29 03:51 AM


thanks for all the comments and help! I really appreciate it.
viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
8 posted 2007-08-31 12:46 PM


I think you should stick with the original version, moving only "and."

When you hit a jackpot on the first try, you have to walk away!


-Paul

Bear
New Member
since 2007-08-31
Posts 7
IL
9 posted 2007-08-31 11:45 PM


Hi!

This is a great poem.  One of the great things about shorter pieces like this one is that many of the suggestions already stated work well....and many other small changes could work well, also.  The finished product of this poem really depends more on how the author looks at it than functionality.

This is what I would do with it:

Every night, clouds come
while I wait for you
to say "it's over".
Your love is a hurricane
and I am no longer
the eye of this storm.

I can respect this poem as it stands...but you could also use this as a lead in to a much larger poem.  That really depends on the statement you are making.  This statement is very short, very sudden, and makes me feel as if the relationship was that way too.

No matter what you do with this poem, I think I will like it.

-Bear

[This message has been edited by Bear (09-01-2007 10:43 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
10 posted 2007-09-01 09:38 PM


quote:
No matter what you do with this poem, I think I will like.


Really? And this is considered a compliment?

bigbrownlashes
New Member
since 2007-09-09
Posts 6

11 posted 2007-09-09 11:17 PM


I loved it! I agree with all the above who say it's great. I personally if I were you wouldn't change it at all. Okay well yeah I'd delete line three but other thant that...nothing. Good job two thumbs up!
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