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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Casual piece, written on a whim without prior thought. Lay it on me. I stand outside in the icicle land, Cigarette dangling in my left hand, For every 10 cars which pass by, One will drench me, So I allow the muddy slush to quench me. Traffic continues to pass, relentless. A mass of metal pertaining to nothing, The sound is soothing as I watch my breath, Refusing to take that final step back, It’s absurd how I refuse to relent, In the face of the others ridiculous attempts, To dash forward to wherever it is they are going. Red light, the traffic is finally slowing. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Use As a very first draft this is ok. It's far superior to anything I've seen from you before. It's not pretentious or dealing with some grand theme, you've taken a simple incident from your daily life and tried to portray it and at the same time make a point. That's a great start. It gets better. You've used clear uncomplicated language to create images: The stance on the icicled sidewalk. The cigarette in the hand. The ten cars. The nice active verb "drench". The stream of passing traffic. Watching breath. The mass of metal. The red light. On the minus side you are still using forced rhyme. Honestly Use, if you are not going to write in meter then you need to stop this love affair you have with "rhyming couplets" - trust me, it merely makes your writing sounds ridiculous. The other main point about this is that you start off strongly, especially the first 4 lines, and then start to wander off a bit into a rather telly prose. The line "In the face of the others ridiculous attempts" is particularly bad. DON'T tell us what the other's are doing in such a vague way. SHOW us. Let's SEE what the man next to you with the battered briefcase and the carnation in his buttonhole is doing. Let HIS actions show us what's happening. Make it INTERESTING. Before you start that though. Take a step back. Just write a few prose lines to yourself stating exactly what point you are trying to convey with this poem. Good luck, don't be discouraged, this is SO much better than the first attempts I saw from you here. Oh, and take your time with any revision, don't just whip something off in a few hours. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Yeah I agree. It's very fine writing. It does seem a little detached. Almost like you are watching the scene of yourself with little ability to effect the situation. Pretty cool. I would delete L8 and 9. That would decrease the wandering I think. Good work. Dane |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Hey, wait, let's not get carried away here! Dane I hope you don't think that I think that this is "very fine writing"; I don't think that at all. Like I said, it's ok as a very early draft, and an improvement on other stuff I've see from Use, but it has a way to go yet. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'm not trying to stick any words in your mouth, M. I like the style of writing. I think that the intent is good. Just "I" statements. But, yes, it wanders in the middle and the punctuation is in need of help. But, bottom line, Use - I agree with M that this is a good first draft. It's raining in Iowa. Dane |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I agree as well with moonbeam. The lines being a more moderate length also help it read less heavy and awkward than some of your other poems. Why not give meter another chance, now that we have a twomonth poetry contest in special dedicated to metrical poetry? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
"On the minus side you are still using forced rhyme. Honestly Use, if you are not going to write in meter then you need to stop this love affair you have with "rhyming couplets" - trust me, it merely makes your writing sounds ridiculous." I beg to differ on the issue of my rhyming sounding ridiculous. Others I have shared this with liked the rhyming aspect, and I think it sounds good. Many of my recent pieces, none of which other than this have been posted here, have been written in such a way as to be read out loud. Perhaps that is where the confusion lies? "The other main point about this is that you start off strongly, especially the first 4 lines, and then start to wander off a bit into a rather telly prose. The line "In the face of the others ridiculous attempts" is particularly bad." Will work on "rediculous attempts". Thanks for the critique Moonbeam. "I would delete L8 and 9. That would decrease the wandering I think. Good work." Given that this piece is so short, I think it would be better to re-wrok them rather than delete them outright. Thanks Chris. "Why not give meter another chance, now that we have a twomonth poetry contest in special dedicated to metrical poetry?" No. Sorry. But thanks for reading Ess. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I have never understood this point. Most poetry is meant to be read out loud -- that's why people talk about meter. Care to enlighten me? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Perhaps Use is talking about something approaching Rap poetry? If this is the case Use you still need to be thinking about meter: "accentual" or "stress" meter, and the use of alliteration. Good link: http://www.danagioia.net/essays/eaccentual.htm M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
If this is supposed to be rhyming couplets it fails. The slant is far to distant to be considered rhymed throughout. Maybe I'm wrong in your intent. But you may want to look at that. Let's not get to far from "my" point. I still like this one a lot. Dane |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Moon, thank you for the link. and your poem is beautiful in other thread...I do not want to interrupt you. Indeed you write beautifully |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
"I have never understood this point. Most poetry is meant to be read out loud -- that's why people talk about meter." Spoken word as opposed to more "conventional" poetry. You raise a good point though. |
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