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Bully and Chomp
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Bully and Chomp |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
A clever kitten, Bully, pressed his luck. Annoying Chomp, the dog across the street. On queue old fate unfurled his tapestry. Intensely taut, the chains they strained and broke! Until ol’ Chomp, unhinged and charging fast, on to the point where gravel touches grass. As Bully purred and licked his paws aware, oh not of dog, instead, of screeching tires. Ol’Chomp, enraged and blind, he never stood a chance against the engine, steel and wires. *note* I'm giving it a shot and I know the rhyme is poo-poo but it was a fun write and I think the meter is ok. |
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| © Copyright 2007 guyoverthere - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
How do you want this to be approached? Is it an exercise? It reads fine. Do you want a full scansion? My biggest question is this: do you think the story is interesting? |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
More of an exercise. I thought it would be interesting to point out strengths and weaknesses in this little diddy. I wrote it in an effort to practice some of the technical aspects of meter. Just looking for input. I think it's kinda funny though. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As an exercise, I would rate your meter as spot on. Actually, I even found it a pleasure to read. A light subject, depending on your view. I suppose it's possibly a more serious subject, considering the outcome, but treated in a light manner. You had a story to tell and did so. As Brad has said so many times, "show, not tell." Well, IMO you did show. I found it impossible to not visualize the characters and the scene. Now for the negative. Your punctuation is mostly wrong leaving sentence fragments dangling throughout. True, a good writer can get by with a occasional fragment or incomplete thought but it must be done with caution and done approrpriately. Finally, after a lot of prodding, the denizens of CA have convinced me that modern writing works best when you use capital letters where grammatically proper. In other words, don't start every line with upper case. Now, why don't you consider these comments and try to clean it up, again as an exercise? Of course, if you don't agree then by all means, just ignore my idle ramblings. Pete |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Thanks NAP. I agree, my punctuation is bad at best but hey, I'm a chef, not a writer. However, my philosophy in life is that if you're going to do something, do it well. Still, I find it odd that I can punctuate sentences properly when I'm writing in this reply but when I write verse I don't know where to put a comma! It has taken me YEARS to learn how to cook well. Cooking is full of technical jargon that draws blank stares from people when you explain things to them. I have found (only recently) that poetry is much the same. Enjambment, substitutions, trochee - I didn't even know these words existed a week ago. But like anything else, the mystery is in the ignorance. I'm just thrilled that I've written something in proper meter for the first time (provided that the meter is correct). I plan to tweak this thing out until I can tuck it away on my laptop and move on to the next step. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Whoaaaa! You are both. And just as you might have a basin of ice cold water nearby when making Crème anglaise, when you write you need a good grounding in grammar and a suitable text book to catch you when you start to curdle!  M |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
"And just as you might have a basin of ice cold water nearby when making Crème anglaise, when you write you need a good grounding in grammar and a suitable text book to catch you when you start to curdle! " LOL |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: Interestingly enough, put it in the same place. All right, there will be times when you can use a little "poetic license" particularly with punctuation. But for starters, just follow the regular rules of grammar. |
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