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Critical Analysis #2
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longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia

0 posted 2007-08-15 10:46 PM



Josephine

I lie beneath you
Josephine
feeling you surround me
Your sweet caress brings happiness
so often you astound me
Bathing me delightfully
your lower limbs are spread
Mossy grove where I repose
and lay my weary head

How quiet you are
Sweet Josephine
moulding into me
as shades of green so seldom seen
frame our destiny

Murmuring
Deliciously
you wander through my dreams
Memories of other days
Starker
wilder themes
When mists
in envy
blocked you from my view
as lightnings jagged fingers
gave such power to you

Rage you did
In fury
"Behold Me Here I Am
Lay Your gifts before Me
Your world is but a Sham"

It was I
in craven awe
who dared to stare in wonder
While you towered in massive power
amid the roaring thunder
Limbs so fine
of such design
plunging depths to plunder
my rabid thoughts
in monsoon wrought
too easily were sundered

Now I pause
I hesitate
Rare beauty is unfolding
Rainbow hued
this peaceful you
forever my heart holding
..
.
Cant get this right
Part of it works but can't get the feeling I want

Josephine Falls is one of my favourite places
It "lives" if you can understand that
Winter it has a beautiful trickle perfect for showering under down one side
Summer it rages uncontrolably

Not having FUN with this one yet
Peter
..
.

Live It

© Copyright 2007 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved
guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58

1 posted 2007-08-15 11:30 PM


LOL, I thought you were writing about a lover at first.  Then I got to "lightnings jagged fingers gave such power to you" and realized, 'this isn't about a person but it's still pretty seductive'.  
I'm not good at critiquing rhymed poetry.  I know squat about it and a critique coming from me wouldn't mean much.
I didn't like the line, "Behold, your world is but a sham"  IMO it's just bad.  The rest of it you used pretty good words but I feel like when you wrote that line, you were slacking.  Don't be a slacker!

viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
2 posted 2007-08-16 12:34 PM


Whoa. SURPRISE!! It isn't sexual. Haha, very nice. Last stanza needs to be re-written for sure. Other than that I liked it very much so, excellent twist. Never saw it coming. A bonafide rarity.


Valedictions,

-Paul

longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
3 posted 2007-08-16 09:19 PM


OK Thanks
Just completely droppping out that section where 'she speaks' works better
At this stage I think I need the last stanza still there
Simply to help show the reverence places like that deserve

having FUN now
Peter

Live It

longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
4 posted 2007-08-16 09:30 PM


Josephine

I lie beneath you
Josephine
feeling you surround me
Your sweet caress brings happiness
so often you astound me
Bathing me delightfully
your lower limbs are spread
Mossy grove where I repose
and lay my weary head

How quiet you are
Sweet Josephine
moulding into me
as shades of green so seldom seen
frame our destiny

Murmuring
Deliciously
you wander through my dreams
Memories of other days
Starker
wilder themes
When mists
in envy
blocked you from my view
as lightnings jagged fingers
gave such power to you

It was I
in craven awe
who dared to stare in wonder
While you towered in massive power
amid the roaring thunder
Limbs so fine
of such design
plunging depths to plunder
my rabid thoughts
in monsoon wrought
too easily were sundered

Now I pause
I hesitate
Rare beauty is unfolding
Rainbow hued
this peaceful you
forever my heart holding
..
.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

5 posted 2007-08-17 09:05 AM


This fails because it's over burdened with abstract language.  Create concrete images, avoid over modification of nouns and verbs and you'll write much better.

Best.

M

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