»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Evolution Haiku #1
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Evolution Haiku #1 |
|
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Lost in the forest the sun rises in the sky directing me home |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Roysie - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This worked for me. A breath of fresh air. |
||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I like the concept in this but my personal taste makes me wish it was a bit tighter. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: Please explain. |
||
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
You know I should not post from memory. Here is my little set of Haikus or Senyarus or whatever: #1 Autumn's chill requires A love lit glowing fire hence Springtime's bold desire #2 Lost in the forest The sun rising in the sky Directing me home #3 Old man sits content While his wife prepares some food Both happy at last Coda I offer you three Boxes that you will enjoy: Which one would you like? |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
As an example of what tighter means to me, consider these two translations of a Basho haiku. To me the first one is tighter, more concise yet perfectly clear. It has all my mind needs to grasp the inference, set the scene. Ah, summer grasses! All that remains Of the warriors dreams Here where a thousand captains swore grand conquest Tall grasses their monument. |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think "in the sky" may be done away with, since that is naturally implied in referring to the sun. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
That works for me, Essorant. Being freed from the constraints of 5-7-5 is often like opening a window in a stale, musty closed room to let in breath of fresh air. |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This worked for me. Please explain. |
||
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
This worked for me as well. -paul |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I had a little free time at work and was reading a number of poems that I found stilted, boring, and unmoving. Is that the same thing three times? Then I turned on this one. The first two lines set up the third in a very interesting way. The use of 'in the sky', to my mind, plays with phrases such as 'pie in the sky' and sets the reader up to expect a whimsical rhyming poem. This is shattered by the final line leaving the reader with precisely the pivot, the shift in view, that good haiku often produce. Thus, the theme and style work well together. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The title and the opening line don’t sound like the lead-in to a whimsical rhyming poem to me. To me there was more of a philosophical or spiritual tone. Would be interesting to hear from the poet just what his reason was for using the “in the sky” phrase. Was it to meet the 7 syllable criteria or was he really trying to be pie in the sky whimsical? I’d really like to know. Roy, would you care to enlighten us? |
||
|
Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
#4 Falling down degrees Summer squash rises to warm Then wordless spooning The haiku is a form most find easy, lack of rhyme and easy count. Which is why I teach it to the youngest students, but many don’t understand that the form is a response format which evolves by addition from other poets. The Tanka is another format of the same response nature in Japanese writing, but instead of another Haiku, a couplet is inserted. Gloom |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Question: I thought that Haiku was pretty rigid - 5-7-5 rhyme at the end of L1 and L3. Is that not true? What are the variations? Dane |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
CS, Take a look in longte's "Haiku???" thread! |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hi Dane Here's a link that might help those just beginning the journey: http://www.haikuworld.org/begin/mdwelch.apr2003.html |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Professor Gloom mentioned tanka. For anyone interested in reading modern Japanese tanka I’d like to recommend Modern Japanese Tanka edited by Makoto Ueda. You can take a peek inside the book at Amazon. Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0231104332/forestsofcali-20 For senryu, check out Light Verse From the Floating World also edited by Ueda. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Both of the books I mentioned above have the original Japanese as well as an excellent English translation. There is also some historical information that's really quite interesting. [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (08-12-2007 12:56 AM).] |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks Jennifer and Ess Always learning Dane |
||
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Well I've been a little preoccupied on the open board (to say the least) but I'm so glad my set evoked a little thought. The set is about life and it's many phases. I usually like to bite off more than I can chew but hey it's fun. #2 is about redemption of course and how many find it to be an integral part of their existance. No...rising in the sky...was not meant to be whimsical because it's an allegory of Christ and where would one look for him? In the sky or in my case..right here beside me as always. |
||
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
ALSO Jennifer I know exactly what you mean about tightness. Just a syllable can strongly affect a Haiku. Hence my comment on posting from memory rather than pulling the piece up. I think rising rather than rises is tighter. |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: Now now now, don't set fires then complain about the flames; it's called 'cause and effect' my dear friend. My outlook on haiku is very similar to Gloom's. It takes the least amount of writing possible to do one. Yes, there is good haiku and bad haiku but it's still three lines nonetheless. It's just a personal dislike I suppose. Yours aren't that bad though, for haiku I mean.  "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
||
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
I know what you mean actually. I'm not a big fan. I've read some so called great haikus or haiku if that's the plural and they left me cold. It's all about power in the least amount of verbage and if many spend their whole lives composing one or two there must be some good ones out there somewhere. They are fun to write though. |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Yeah, the closest thing to haiku that I enjoy reading are little bits of doggerel verse. Haiku, true, is a nobler pursue, but doggerel verse isn't nearly as terse. "Celery, raw Develops the jaw, But celery, stewed, Is more quietly chewed." - Ogden Nash "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
||
|
Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Haiku is great It's like a first date You admire the food But you can't touch the plate. |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Haiku, five, seven and five, I’d rather not strive for trois little lines. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I've always wondered why people who really don't like or seem to understand haiku try to write them. Seems like a waste of time to me and floods the forums with some really bad poetry. Oh well. |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Well, I hope you're not referring to what I wrote; because those little jottings weren't haiku, they were doggerel, haha. I have absolutely no desire to write haiku or even read it for that matter. At least, I've never read one that was worth the read. Yes, I see what you mean though. But understanding haiku isn't exactly like understanding trig, it's pretty basic if you ask me. Who knows, I'm probably wrong, heh. "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
No, Ed, I wasn't putting down your poems. It was just an observation after having read the thread. I think haiku is sort of an acquired taste. Unfortunately there's so much bad poetry being passed off as haiku that people are soured on the genre before they really give it a chance. |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: hahaha! God no! I don't know if you've ever read my stuff, but those little things I wrote were NOT poems. I was just playing around with Rosie, heh. I don't write like that... ever, not even in that style. quote: Yeah, maybe you're right. You know what, I'll try and find some good haiku on google or something. Give it another chance. "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You'll need to put on your sensitive male hat, take a deep breath and eat a broccoli floret before you begin. Women can't resist a man who can recite a few good haiku. LOL I"m overtired and going to bed. Hope I didn't offend anyone. Just messing. Have a great day! |
||
|
Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Hahaha, hey I'm a sensitive male. And besides, most men use one liners to "pick up" ladies. I just don't like using "three-liners," hahaha. And I really do hate broccoli.  |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
