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Critical Analysis #2
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I Died inside
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I Died inside |
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MindBeyondBody Junior Member
since 2007-08-02
Posts 14Florida,United States |
as i sit here with no feeling in my body or no expression on my face thoughts start to wander my mind drifts off into another place this empty feeling i wish i could erase but i know i will never be able to shake this feeling as i lie lifeless on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking what if i would of said or done that feels like my mind,soul,and body is at combat i wish u could understand as i try to stay in command struggling as my soul slips thru my hands looks like it was all in vain cant break this mental chain these feelings im having at the moment i wish i could explain so u can see the thoughts running thru my brain my mind and body at its limits cant maintain to much strain but please dont worry its starting to get hard to finish this because the tears make everything blurry It was fate i knew it was going to come to this but before i go can i just get one final kiss even though we havent known each other for long you made me feel bliss but that was the past not enough time left to reminisce I really thought you were the one but its to late i cant take back the things ive said and done now to do the cowards way and continue to run im sorry i wish i could of lived up to your expectations im sorry i caused some much headache and fustration it looks like i failed again im sorry to all the people i hurt especially you sorry for the heartbreak i put you through |
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| © Copyright 2007 Konrod Clarke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Welcome to Pip. I don't mean to be overly critical, but your profile does not encourage critiques, but you make your first post in the critique forum. With that understood, all I will point out about this piece is the uneven line length. Uneven lines in rhymed poetry make for a difficult read. If you want to write rhymed pieces for other people to consider, its better to put the time and energy into them before posting. You may consider posting in another forum. Type II poet. Its worth the work. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
"as i lie lifeless on my bed staring at the ceiling" You might like to re-consider the practical implications of that line. M |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This may be just me. But the line: "I died many years ago." --Spike, Buffy, the musical Keeps running through my head. Why not tell us what happened instead of a scene that told what happened after something happened? |
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