I Shall Prevail - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

I Shall Prevail

Gifted
Member

since 2007-06-26

Posts 140
Caribbean

0 posted 2007-06-27 12:47 PM

I feel like
the shadow of my shadow,
yet to be noticed in the light.
I reflect darkness,
the night
is my comfort, my twin,
my insecurity, my sin
it disguises,
when I'm in the security
of sin.

When I walk or talk
my I eyes feel the need
to admire my shoes so dearly.
And clearly,
my head is foggy with thoughts
that scare me--
if they were a reality.

I don't like the feeling of being
a scentless flower
for it will lead to the blooming of
bitter fruit
that feeds my pain in abundance
until my heart
can not stomach this agony any longer.

When life hands me lemons
I show the soars on my tongue
from sucking on aloes,
so that when I am led to the gallows,
the last breath I take might be tasteful
aside from the empty air I breathe that
stifles my lungs hollow.

Do not underestimate me,
for when we square off
the pointy edges
can not be rounded off
to a positive outcome.

I am still taken advantage of,
which should be a thing of the past
but it is presented
to me as the blueprint for my future.
I refuse to let those sour limestones
be the building blocks of my adulthood.
I'm tired,
and those same walls that trapped me in
a bashful alley will make me
the cornerstone.

Bronzeage
Member

since 2007-07-20

Posts 197

1 posted 2007-07-24 12:04 PM

You steal some of the power of this piece when you preface a statement with "I feel"

I feel like
the shadow of my shadow,
yet to be noticed in the light.

(I am the shadow of my shadow,)

I reflect darkness,
the night
is my comfort, my twin,
my insecurity, my sin
it disguises,
when I'm in the security
of sin.

(Examine your metaphors for their root meaning. What does it mean to "reflect darkness"? It's something like falling up. An exageration or absurdity can work if it is supported by further imagery to show the reader what you mean.)

When I walk or talk
my I eyes feel the need
to admire my shoes so dearly.

(When I walk or talk,
my eyes admire my shoes, so dearly)

And clearly,
my head is foggy with thoughts
that scare me--
if they were a reality.

(This part is foggy. Is your fogginess obvious to the observer? Its not enough to say something is scary, show me something scary. Images are needed here.)

I don't like the feeling of being
a scentless flower
for it will lead to the blooming of
bitter fruit
that feeds my pain in abundance
until my heart
can not stomach this agony any longer.

(The mixed metaphor alarm just went off. A flower is the bloom. It withers and becomes the fruit. In line 5 and 6, heart and stomach are both metaphors. What this part says is You don't feel good and it makes you feel bad. There has to be a better way to say it.)

When life hands me lemons
(a very cliched line)

I show the soars on my tongue
from sucking on aloes,
(is this a typo? sores? Aloe is a medicinal plant in most cases.)

so that when I am led to the gallows,
the last breath I take might be tasteful
aside from the empty air I breathe that
stifles my lungs hollow.
(When were you condemned to death? This part reverses the image of the aloe, from creating tongue ulcers to breath mints.)

Do not underestimate me,
for when we square off
the pointy edges
can not be rounded off
to a positive outcome.
(To whom are you talking? Again, the metaphors clash. "Square off" means to fight, as in a boxing ring. Is someone trying to force you to smooth your sharp edges? This is actually a good theme to explore and you should work more on this approach.)

I am still taken advantage of,
which should be a thing of the past
but it is presented
to me as the blueprint for my future.
(Please find a better way to express the first line.)

I refuse to let those sour limestones
be the building blocks of my adulthood.
(this is a vary good line. "Sour" may not be the best adjective to use, but the metaphor and the image it presents is solid.)

I'm tired,
and those same walls that trapped me in
a bashful alley will make me
the cornerstone.
(The metaphors clash again.)

Everybody has a few "life sucks" poems in them. Sometimes it seems that is all we can write. Everybody's life sucks in some unique way, which can be expressed in unique images. The challange to the poet is to find them, so the reader can see and feel the same images and feelings.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.