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Fireside
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fireside |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I can't remember now just how the blossoms looked upon the bough in early spring. It seems I've quite forgotten, too, each shade and hue of flowers colored all but blue in gardens filled with summer's bright and hopeful light. But I recall the golden leaves, the last to fall before late autumn winds so cold began to sweep across my dreams reminding vividly time deems the seasons change, we all grow old. As time unfolds its wintry light this night, how warm each blue, each gold. Jeffrey's Sonnet attempt (as close as I'll ever get) Moonbeam - Ready, set, shred!!  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Jennifer! Just flat gorgeous and dead on. You are one smart, moving, and very sophisticated poet. Any one who tries to "shred" this should have their shredding privledges revoked! Very best, Jim |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
What’s there to shred Jen? This is a harmless piece using metaphors that have been used countless times before and yet which is thought provoking in its gentleness. It’s not pentameter, it employs no sonnet rhyme scheme that I’ve ever seen before, the volta is in the “wrong” place - but so what; it has 14 lines and a sonnet “feel” so as far as I’m concerned, if you want it to be a sonnet, it IS a contemporary sonnet. Oh, I forgot, it’s also massively overloaded with internal and end rhyme exacerbated by the couplets. My knee jerk reaction was to revolt, but a few out loud readings quelled the rebel yell and I fell, seduced by the flicker of the smouldering vowels. Just a few opinions: the stanza break at “bright” is too distracting, reformat to close; the “so” of “so cold” is a blatant filler; “reminding vividly time deems” was a mouthful and awkward linguistically, and “deems” drew attention to itself as an out of place legalistic word inserted for the sake of rhyme. Finally “time” has a lot of responsibility here, no? First it’s responsible for the changing seasons - possibly, but the tilt of the planet also helps. Next it unfolds its “wintry light” - possibly time unfolds a wintry light, but actually endowing time with the attribute of having a wintry light seems a little far fetched to me, even in such a dreamy poem. Still, it was lovely. Now you (and we) know you can write, how about showing us Jennifer instead of Shelley M PS I enjoyed "Karo Syrup ..." very much btw. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks so much for your constructive critique, Moonbeam. Very kind of you to take time to read and comment. Yes, I agree, nothing original in this piece, just worn-out metaphors and predictable rhymes. But for me trying a form - counting syllables, following a set rhyme scheme, etc., was a terrifying leap. Guess I missed my footing and fell into that stygian abyss...again. Jeffrey's Sonnet A Jeffreys Sonnet was created by Scott J. Alcorn. It is isosyllabic (only 8 syllable per line), 2 sestets with a cross rhymed couplet (the cross rhyme is in the 2nd to 4th syllable in each of the two lines of the couplet). Also there is a cross rhyme in the first line of the 2nd sestet (between the 2nd to 4th syllable), tying the 1st sestet to the 2nd. So the rhyme scheme would be: aabccb, (b)ddeffe, (e)g (g)e. The letters in ( ) are the cross rhymes. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Well there you go Jen, just shows how much I know about form! I'd never heard of such a creature before. And don't be so hard on yourself - I didn't say you'd failed at all, far from it in fact. Overall, as I said, it was lovely. As for the Jen/Shelley comment, I was merely meaning that you appear to me to be capable of tackling most things poetically, i.e. beyond the experimental stage, and it would be nice to see something from you grounded in your everyday experience, as it were (steel yourself moonbeam, write it!)from the heart! Omg, did I just say that. M Oh, and Scott J Alcorn is an masochist. |
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MarkG Junior Member
since 2007-06-21
Posts 48California USA |
just let it flow out of u...no fear...find out what’s really inside...all of it...your potential and talent are obvious...just write... have fun and don’t judge it too much...this is really good considering its as you say your first time with this kind of form...I enjoyed it very much...you paint well with your words Mark |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Jennifer, You've always struck me as your own worst critic. This particular write was a study in just one particular form; you've attempted to follow its parameters and succeeded, at least from that standpoint. Be happy it isn't seen by anyone--including myself--as a failure. In my mind, you are still writing pieces worth commenting on, at least. So take any and all comments with a grain of salt, file them away and reference as needed for future writes. It will help you grow. But don't get too stuck on any other author's ideas of form--especially the more experimental. Oftentimes, those concentrating on rhyme count alone will fail to spot the resultant bumpy meter. And someone more inclined to spot it, while mimicing it may attempt a fix with inert fillers, if you will. This particular form you've chosen to mimic is too stifling to make for consistently worthwhile poetry. I think your write would be better served if written in one of the more time-honored sonnet styles. They are much better practice as well. A couple of minor problems that I have: In the first line, straightaway the words, "…now just how…" almost caused me to stop reading on. (All that's lacking is brown and cow.) Yes, it's minor but it trips my mind up in a big way. Another thing that bothered me--well, besides the rhyme overload, which has already been commented on--was the ending. I would submit that the last two lines of S2 would make for a better finish. This would give your modern sonnet a more epigrammatic, if not Shakespearean, style of ending. Sid |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I thought exactly what Sid thought about the bovine. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, Jim, Mark, Sid and Moonbeam. I see what you mean, Sid, about using the last two lines of S2 to close - so much better. Moonbeam, please tell me “bovine” has something to do with the poem, not the poet. (I knew these pants made me look fat!) |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I believe it was a reference to the brown cow. But that's only my assumption : ) |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi This is not too bad. But there are some parts that the flow is very weak for splitting a very important/dependant part of the grammatical wordgroup into the next line. For examples: just how / the blossoms looked I've quite/ forgotten summer's bright/and hopeful light I would try to work these so that they go together in the same line. Here is a suggestion for the first two lines: I little know the blossoms now And how they looked upon the bough Do you see how putting the parts that are very grammatically dependant on each other together in the same line helps it flow better? The only other thing is the periods in the middle of lines three and seven. They are a bit like rocks right in the middle of the way. Working it so these are the end of the line instead of the middle may help it flow much better. Thanks posting this poem. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I do see what you mean, Essorant, on both points. Guess maybe I was so fearful of hearing “forced end rhyme” that I enjambed a little too freely - thus the split lines and mid-line sentence breaks. Good points and very helpful advice. Thanks so much. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like most of this, and the enjambment doesn't bother me at all, nor does the rhyme. But there was a part that I thought just didn't flow at all: 'before late autumn winds so cold began to sweep across my dreams reminding vividly time deems the seasons change, we all grow old.' Just reads kind of clunky to me. But I thought everything else was very graceful and flowed beutifully. -Hope this helped |
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