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Critical Analysis #2
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The Projection
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Projection |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Bear with this, haven't written anything in a while. On a journey to the furthest reaches of this Earthly shore, Sailing the seven seas of dissonance to the liquor store, Purchase a bottle of liquid mind numbing prophecy, Direct your attention to the monument erection on the screen, Does it bleed? Does it feel? Does it possess enough free will? Is it human? Can it think? Does it ruminate on winks? The projection subject is clearly a being-by-itself, An existential anomaly relief sculpture sitting on the shelf, One of gods many creatures set upon the menagerie, Stuck in circumstantial stasis like a forlorn Appleseed, It can pose questions, though it rarely receives an answer, Smokes enough cigarettes to give an elephant cancer, It often is depressed, though it puts on a happy face, While eating itself to oblivion, notice its twitches and shakes, A peculiar character, this creature of the deep, Diving beneath the undercurrent just to prove it can sink, Yet can it sing the blues? Does it know how to spit? Can it find its way out of a deluge? Or does it prefer to live in the pit? Does it remember the past? Does it contemplate suicide? Does it feel the Atlas load? Is it able to heave a sigh? Sustained by throat burners and stomach churners, While watching outside; the world builders, It is socially inept, though the memories it kept, Are as pure as its abode, the apartment unfurnished, Unfinished business keeps it searching, For a piece of mind demon which is always lurking, But unattainable, for its possesses no soul to sell, The creatures life itself is already a living hell. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Pretty much over my head (I’m not that bright) but I did want to give you a thumbs up on these lines that rang a few bells for me: “A peculiar character, this creature of the deep, Diving beneath the undercurrent just to prove it can sink” “One of gods many creatures set upon the menagerie, Stuck in circumstantial stasis like a forlorn Appleseed” |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Came back for several more reads, Illusion. Please take my comments with a grain of salt since I usually don’t know what I’m talking about and almost everyone disagrees with me. Overall I really like your poem. It paints a vivid picture in my mind and the lines I mentioned are so good I’ve actually jotted them down. S1 and 2 seem the strongest to me, don’t see they need much work at all. I did kind of trip over “liquid” in S1L2 and “happy face” in S2L7 threw me off a bit. The questions you pose in S1 work well but in S2 maybe they could be condensed a little? I was a little disappointed in S3. The images aren’t as strong or original as those in S1 and S2. Enjoyed the read very much and look forward to seeing more of your work. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Thanks for reading and responding Jenifer. I agree wholeheartedly with your disapointment in S3. I kind of churned that one out just to close the piece. I will work on improving it. Personally, when I read the piece outloud, I don't really trip over "happy face", or "liquid", but that just could be because I "know" how to read it in the manner I intended it to be read. Now that you point it out, I am not to happy with the question lines in S2. I will work on them. Thanks again. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
The Projection: On a journey to the furthest reaches of this Earthly shore, Sailing the seven seas of dissonance to the liquor store, Delightful start. The shift from mock epic mode to the "liquor store" works wonderfully. In this address to the reader, you set one up to think this might be a satire, then jump cut modes to: Purchase a bottle of liquid mind numbing prophecy, Line three sets up the poem. You might consider compressing this to "Purchase a bottle of liquid prophecy." Do you want the reader's mind to be "numb" when you enjoin him/her to: (and maybe consider a line break before  Direct your attention to the monument erection on the screen, This drifts a bit through ambiguity. Do you mean "a monument erected" on the screen, "a monument being erected on the screen," or "the monumental erection on the screen?" Or is it just word play, the internal rhyme of attention/erection? I took this at first to be an oblique reference to the Twin Towers, but, given the rest of the poem, that doesn't really ring true. Does it bleed? Does it feel? Does it possess enough free will? Is it human? Can it think? Does it ruminate on winks? Very good couplet, relating to the playfulness of the opening. The second line in particular, is quite Eliot-like. Which ain't a bad thing. The projection subject is clearly a being-by-itself, An existential anomaly relief sculpture sitting on the shelf, OK, starting to get the feeling that the projection might be the poet. Even if not -- and to this point it's still a riddle to me -- how can the "projection" be an inanimate "relief sculpture" here, and animate (one of God's creatures) immediately below? One of gods many creatures set upon the menagerie, Stuck in circumstantial stasis like a forlorn Appleseed, OK, it's the poet. And a great line! It can pose questions, though it rarely receives an answer, Smokes enough cigarettes to give an elephant cancer, Two choice lines! For consistency, you might think about "It can pose questions, though it rarely receives answers." It often is depressed, though it puts on a happy face, While eating itself to oblivion, notice its twitches and shakes, You might think about dropping these two lines, or reformatting along these lines (groaning at my own pun): It often is depressed. Though it puts on a happy face While eating itself to oblivion, notice its twitches and shakes. A peculiar character, this creature of the deep, Diving beneath the undercurrent just to prove it can sink, Great! Yet can it sing the blues? Does it know how to spit? Can it find its way out of a deluge? Or does it prefer to lie in the pit? OK, Good. We've come out of the existential into the real, as done in the opening lines. You know how to make the last two images image above stronger with compression. Does it remember the past? Does it contemplate suicide? Does it feel the Atlas load? Is it able to heave a sigh? All I think about the above is to try the eliminating the words "heave a" Since, per your previous response to jennifer you are working on the last stanza, this is not the time for comments on it. I hope you will continue to develop this poem and repost it. Please don't get dithery, You're great at word smithery! Keep singing those blues! Best regards, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (06-20-2007 07:18 PM).] |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
As per your requests, Jim, I implemented some of the changes you suggested, and completely reworked the third stanza). On a journey to the furthest reaches of this Earthly shore, Sailing the seven seas of dissonance to the liquor store, Purchase a bottle of liquid mind numbing prophecy, Direct your attention to the monument erected on the screen, Does it bleed? Does it feel? Does it possess enough free will? Is it human? Can it think? Does it ruminate on winks? The projection subject is clearly a being-by-itself, An existential anomaly sculpture sitting on the shelf, One of gods many creatures set upon the menagerie, Stuck in circumstantial stasis like a forlorn Appleseed, It can pose questions, though it rarely pursues answers, Smokes enough cigarettes to give an elephant cancer, It often is depressed, though it puts on a happy face, As it is driven to oblivion note the facial tics and shakes, A peculiar character, this creature of the deep, Diving beneath the undercurrent just to prove it can sink, Would you believe that the subject prefers anonymity to recognition? While simultaneously posing in gestures submissive? Sustained by throat burners and stomach churners, It prefers forlornness in an apartment unfurnished, Consider the point of Kafka, wishing to be a bug, Whose existence was destined to be swept under a rug, Unlike Kafka, however, who gained a reputation, There is no point in pursuing this creature’s resuscitation, It’s motivations are set and it is on a crash course to nowhere, At this point a specter haunting you with its sad stares. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ah, yeah! You're rollin now. Third stanza now MUCH better than first try. The off-rhyme or slant-rhyme, and occasional intjection of a rhyme-rhyme works very well throughout the poem. The "will / winks" in S1 sounds a little off, but I certainly wouldn't touch the "winks" line, and the combo has some assonance going for it, so, it's a close call. I'm amazed at what a difference even your most subtle changes make. I'd read it out loud one more time, just to make sure that the punctuation coincides with how you want it to flow. You are a great editor of your own work, which ain't that ain't easy, and stuck to your guns where appropriate, highly admirable! The main reason I was pickety on this one is because the poem was worth it all along. Good job! Best, Jim |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Danke sir. |
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