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waiting...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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waiting... |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
...for water to change into wine crows into eagles pinned to the sky shadows surrender of pale silhouettes darker than time in a stygian abyss ...to pull out of wool and tinctures of rust the threshold of dawn voices of stone beaded on rain thin bones of a canticle dragged in by winters counterweight tide ...as soft hands of a dream move from the margins reach out through the nothingness shaping the wilderness into green ovals linking the void to the coursing of stars |
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| © Copyright 2007 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Jennifer- Excellent as usual. Your writing lacks ambiguity, and I love it. It's so very tactile, I'm not sure how it is you think, but I'd like to borrow the instructions. There are a few things that I can comment on, however. quote: This doesn't make sense to me at all. The last three lines of the excerpt don't equal anything. I think that you need to separate the ideas or tell us how the "thin bones" or rudimentary nature of a song can be "dragged in by winters....etc..." It's beautiful writing don't get me wrong, I just think that this can be cleared up. I would also rething the use of nothingness in the last stanza. Good to hear from you again. Dane |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hello Jennifer! When I read this poem out loud it reads beautifully. The sound of it alone reminded me of Keats. The breaks below indicate how I read the lines: Waiting (Waiting)...for water to change into wine crows into eagles pinned to the sky shadow(')s surrender of pale silhouettes darker than time in a stygian abyss (Waiting)...to pull out of wool and tinctures of rust the threshold of dawn (Waiting for ...) voices of stone beaded on rain thin bones of a canticle dragged in by winter(')s counterweight tide (Waiting) ...as soft hands of a dream move from the margins reach out through the nothingness shaping the wilderness into green ovals linking the void to the coursing of stars The above is not a suggestion as to how the lines "should" or "might" be broken up. (I'm not a fan of "should's at all!) It's just how I hear the lines out loud. In another thread (Jumping) you mentioned the notion of repetition, hence the possibilities -- in parentheses -- above. By using the ... to preface stanza's, you invite the reader, of course, to mentally add the word "Waiting." It's nice device, but is there a possibility that it works better on the page then when spoken? Two other bits I found particularly neat: The first two lines indicate that the poem is going to be somewhat prosaic, then WHAM, "crows into eagles pinned to the sky" quickly disabuses the reader of THAT notion! And the great inverse image of "stones beaded on rain" is a corker! The whole of it makes poetic sense to me, and beautiful music! Best, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (06-14-2007 04:22 PM).] |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Dane. I really appreciate your input. Not sure I can explain what I was thinking. Sometimes words just sort of pop into my mind and paint the scene for me. Voices of stone beaded on rain = those memories that come to you on moody, rainy days that you don't want to remember Thin bones of a canticle = Ever resort to a memorized prayer to get you through desperate times? The words may be perfect but they’re thin in the sense that they’re just words, someone else’s words at that. Dragged in by winters counterweight tide = winter for me is a time of mood swings, mostly down. Feels sometimes like I’ve been dragged into a cold winter sea.. My summer ups are lost to the drag of changing tides (seasons). I agree with you on the nothingness - just couldn’t think of anything else to use. Sort of wanted that last gasp, desperate sound nothingness conveys. One part that screams “change me”is stygian abyss. Good grief, sounds so forced and pretentious! What was I thinking? Got any suggestions? Thanks, Jim. I’ll have to respond to your comments a little later. The boss is hovering a wee bit too close. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Jennifer -- I'm laughing! I KNEW you were going to change "stygian abyss" whether or not someone else suggested it. I'm not psychic; you're just too good to let that one pass! Ya gotta watch them bosses, Look out for double-crosses!  Best, Jim |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hi, Jim. Thanks so much for taking time to read and comment. Means a lot to me. You pretty much got the line breaks the way the poem came to me. The only real difference would be in S2, but that was my error. Couldn’t quite figure out how to work in the lines “voices of stone beaded on rain (through) counterweight tides” and still keep the “waiting” format. Maybe offsetting those lines a little might work if, as you seem to be suggesting, that breaking out of the three stanza format might work better for the reader? Think you’re right about using “waiting” instead of the ellipsis. The ellipses just don’t work when you read the piece aloud. Reading out loud is something I don’t usually do but should and will from now on. The “stygian abyss” is definitely history. (So embarrassed about that. Chalk it up to spending too much time in Dark.) The lack of proper punctuation (or as proper as I can usually manage) was intentional. Think it’s too disconcerting? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Jennifer! Thank you for considering my comments. You might consider breaking out the "voices of stone" lines if it works for you, but please don't consider dropping! There is a whole big thing going on about whether poetry is written for the voice or the page, and it has been going on for at least 50 years. Traditionally, most poetry was meant to be read aloud. As recently as the 1950's, poets and readers could recite (sometimes ad nauseum) both good and bad poetry because it was most often meant to be spoken. (Major exceptions exist: no one in their right mind would think that Pope's "The Rape of the Lock" was meant for recitavo.) With the invention of the typewriter and now the computer, things began to change. The extremity of the change can be seen in the "field poetry" of Charles Olson, Louis Zukovsky, and others of the Black Mountain School -- and this goes back at least forty years. These guys were, in their own way, "formalists," not random jotters. But they seem to have written for the page, not the voice. So, OK, it's an approach, meant to break boundaries...but that is not what you are doing. I'm glad I was reading this poem aloud close to correctly as you intended, It does, in fact, sing. For me, lack of proper punctuation is a barrier between writer and reader. It's a delicate line for sure, but I don't think apostrophes hurt. It's clear that you "hear" your work internally, and your ear is exceptional. It can help, though, to read out loud. Weird things come up. My very best regards, Jim |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I’m going to think about reformatting this to get out of the rut of trying to make it look balanced on the page. The way you broke it down, Jim, is really so much better and truly reflects what was going on in my mind as I was writing it. There are some lines, like the silhouette one, for instance, that I don’t care very much for and will be editing. Thanks again to you and Dane for your input and suggestions. I’ve not read Olson or Zukovsky but have read Levertov and enjoy her work very much. [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (06-16-2007 08:19 AM).] |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jen This is a nice string of images - some very original and compelling. I do however find the shift from the opening few lines of singing dactyls to something considerably freer, very distracting. Good to see you are still going strong. Best. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Moonbeam, you’ve been missed. So good to see you posting again. |
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