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Critical Analysis #2
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The Sky's Veil
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Sky's Veil |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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I The man spoke upward, to the cloud-wrapped sky His heart intent to pierce that mystery Held above the fog-veil, above the rain “Who are you Power that holds time in thrall? O Mighty Undergirder of all things?” The silent skies echoed back the question A small breath of wind brushing past his face An old worn man tottered by and muttered: “God is far from us. He has departed Beyond the skies, hiding his face from men.” The man turned from the sky and spoke down into The worn and cracked potsherd of the dead earth “Time grinds on, and we, the fallen, are crushed In its turning gears, the spinning years whirl By and leave nothing but dry husks behind -There is no off on this churning treadmill.” II Then came the rising tide of a mad crowd Flowing down the dusty road to the Hill. Eyes flaming like the torches of Hades They eddied in filthy whirlpools around A Man stooped under a great beam of wood. Crushed between the gears of the angry mob That spit into his torn and shredded face. Then the man on the roadside joined the throng Wending a jeering way up to The Skull. Where three crosses stood, with three dying men. The Man - lifted over the festering mob -Naked- a spectacle for passerby. And then from the temple road there passed by Lord Caiaphas, he tipped his shapely head To survey the body hanging above. With cool eye - while the Man twisted in knots Of pain, sent a cry from his tortured throat Spinning outward into the darkening air. III “The veil is now complete,” said the watching Man from the roadside, “The sun has hidden Its face - the grinding shall never now end But we all shall be caught and crushed between.” Midnight at midday and not even sky To remember by – thick and private night Sealed each watcher in a cell of musing, Dim fires glowed red from the darkened city And then the last rending cry from the Man, As those great gears rattled the cracking earth, Caught and crushed the rocks to jagged pebbles. Then came the shriek of a tearing veil And the man on the road looked up to see - The torn and bloody form hung from that beam - And then as the great gears stopped forever, saw: Shining through the rents in that veil of flesh Heaven-light pouring from an opened sky. I've been trying to get this one moved here for a while after posting it in the "Spiritual Journeys" thread. I just wondered if anyone here had any takes on it. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Aurelian! My take on this is is that it is perfectly consistent with your desire to write on the themes which move you most, which you most desire to communicate, and do communicate, so, no quibbles with that aspect. Here are the quibbles: You do yourself a disservice in terms of clarity by juxtaposing "the man" and "The Man." What stops you in this poem, from calling Christ "Christ?" Another possibility would be to call "the man" "a man," and, is "An old worn man" the same character as "the man?" or is this a new voice? Second quibble, a set: "spoke upward" "holds time in thrall?" "breath of wind" “Time grinds on" "dry husks" "rising tide" etc. You have more in your poetic lexicon than these dead phrases. Because the poem has value to you and others, you might want to look at it more carefully. Every word counts. Thyis is not a poem to "write off." It's one to "write on." Best, Jim |
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