Standing waist-deep in the floodplains of Life

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

0 posted 2007-04-16 08:36 PM

Standing waist-deep
in the floodplain of Life.

Avoiding the used-gum leeches
stretched across the sidewalk,
there is a heart-beat in his eyes
as he jaggedly absorbs the rare,
Helenic girls - their day-brushed
skin and switch-blade smiles.

Crossing the road, the brooding traffic
sits sun-struck; their white glare fixed
upon him. His face, red as a dusk-
tortured cloud, sags into the tar-pit.

( He believes his scars light up
in public like lightning and the world
sprouts tumors below his feet. )

Vomit hibernates in his throat
as he stands in line at the supermarket,
shamed by a fear of small-talk.
Children buzz like banshees; trolleys
are rammed inside each other.
His armpits leak marshes.

The taxi driver turns silent.
Talk of global warming and drowning
icebergs deter this stuttering fare -
This young man stares out the window
at the lavander hair of the Jacaranda,
at the mechanic peering into the mouth
of a Jaguar, at the sun capsizing.

His apartment is almost submerged;
driftwood of books, videos and narcotics
float by. He stands in the sediment
of yesterday's corpse, waiting to drown
again in today's rising water.

[This message has been edited by sampo (04-16-2007 09:34 PM).]

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

1 posted 2007-04-17 11:15 PM

I really liked this. Not much bad to say, really. It's an interesting, original idea and has some wonderful imagery. "their day-brushed
skin and switch-blade smiles."
Was a great image for me.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-04-20 05:10 PM

I think this is probably the best piece you've put up so far.  I'm not an authority, just a reader, so take below with standard grain of salt:

Some quibbles:

Standing waist-deep
in the floodplain of Life.

Avoiding the used-gum leeches
stretched across the sidewalk,
there is a heart-beat in his eyes
       His eyes are pulsing?
as he jaggedly absorbs the rare,
      jaggedly or raggedly?
Helenic girls - their day-brushed
skin and switch-blade smiles.

Crossing the road, the brooding traffic
sits sun-struck;
     The brooding traffic is not crossing the road.

their white glare fixed
      Traffric is not a "their"
upon him. His face, red as a dusk-
tortured cloud, sags into the tar-pit.

( He believes his scars light up
      Light up like lightning is weak.
in public like lightning and the world
sprouts tumors below his feet. )
      Gorgeous!

Vomit hibernates in his throat
     If the vomit is just hibernating,
     there's not much of a puke threat
as he stands in line at the supermarket,
shamed by a fear of small-talk.
Children buzz like banshees;
     Banshees do more than buzz.
trolleys
are rammed inside each other.
His armpits leak marshes.
     Great!

AN EDIT:
The taxi driver is silent.
The young man stares out the window
at the lavander hair of the Jacaranda,
at the mechanic peering into the mouth
of a Jaguar, at the sun capsizing.

His apartment is almost submerged;
(a?) driftwood of books, videos and narcotics float by.

He stands in the sediment
of yesterday's corpse,
    I have mixed feelings about this image, certainly striking.  Maybe I'm just struck by being struck.

waiting to drown
again in today's rising water.

All in all, pretty slick!

Best, Jim

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

3 posted 2007-04-21 11:31 AM

tyro -

thanks for reading and pointing
out that image. glad you liked it.

jim -

some damn fine suggestions.
thanks for the close read
and in-depth critique.
much appreciated.

regards,

sampo.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.