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Critical Analysis #2
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cypressmoon
New Member
since 2007-04-02
Posts 7


0 posted 2007-04-12 08:42 PM



“Excellent.  Thank you.” - My hasty
gratitude sliced through my tongue.

“Excellent.  Thank you.,” She mirrored,
with veiled mockery.

“Been on this earth for twenty three years,
and that’s the best I can do.”, I impulsively
announced - struggling through the silence
of Jim Morrison and muted mumbles
in the café.  My voice was searching,
like a stray, blind bird,
to nest in someone’s ears.

I plunked into my chair.
My cup grazed the glazed wood,
and hushed to a perfect pose.  

The white bellowing in through the windows
surged through like a wall of frigid wind.
It was imprisoned by the dam of depth,
where golden ceiling lights poured graphed
arcs down pine walls.  

A jungle of empty utterances mingled
with the breeze of music to sound a unified silence.

The servers’ steps were patterned in an infinite loop.  

Stragglers would tumble through the door
to be swathed in eternal stillness.

The air, stained with the dirt smell of coffee,
soaked ever deeper into the fabric;
never spilling beyond it’s net.

The whole café was solidified as immortal.
The only things that die at Starbucks are inevitabilities.


© Copyright 2007 cypressmoon - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2007-04-13 11:52 AM


Really great stuff here. I very much buy into what you are saying. Very good write.

They only thing I don't like is the last stanza. You set this cynical thought process up and then let us fall on our hind parts at the end. It's very predictable and leaves the reader disappointed at the end. I think that if you were to change just that last thought, this would really be impressive.

Dane

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