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Critical Analysis #2
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Court Jester(with another stanza)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Court Jester(with another stanza) |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The narrow path spirals into darkness A road that wanders into the dawn. Figure and a lute stumble without light Wandering where he will full of song. An orange citrus caught on fire rockets past the moon. Hurrying to not be late for an important tea. And still the traveling minstrel hums his jolly tune. Rising sun is in time; the lone fool goes about his way. He finds his way to a savory wonderland beneath his tree. The gnarled roots hold him in his drunken slumber- while burning glory takes a lemon day trip as tourist shining intellect on me. Cheddar crescent be tardy, when the jester sings his jokes, fallen light. |
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| © Copyright 2007 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Rhia. It seems we both love jesters and fools, so I'm quite attracted to this. Below is an edit to be taken with a grain of salt. Preferably followed by the rest of the margarita... The narrow path spirals into darkness. A fool with his lute stumbles in the waning light. He wanders as he must, still full of song. An orange citrus caught on fire rockets past the moon. The traveling minstrel hums his jolly tune. The lone fool goes about his way. In a savory wonderland beneath a tree, The gnarled roots cradle him in drunken splendor - while the burning glory takes a lemon day trip. Cheddar crescent pause, while the jester hones his jokes, in failing light. Granted, that's a semi-radical rewrite. The only idea is that there is a way to work the imagery. This is certainly not the only way. Just me. Best, Jim |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
The narrow path spirals into darkness good opening line. bit abstract, but with a little imagination, it's a decent image. A road that wanders into the dawn. this line however, seems contrary to the opening. narrow path is in contrast to road. darkness is in contrast to dawn. i think you can drop this line. Figure and a lute stumble without light perhaps add lone before 'figure.' its more specific and adds a certain alliteration with the 'l' sounding words. Wandering where he will full of song. had trouble with the syntax in this line, though i know what you meant. perhaps a slight rephrasing to clarify? An orange citrus caught on fire rockets past the moon. this is the most imaginative line in your poem. i like it, invokes an image of a comet. maybe drop citrus. you could even make reference to the comets tail as being like it's golden hair, or something like that. Hurrying to not be late for an important tea. this line i had trouble with. is the jester hurrying here? And still the traveling minstrel hums his jolly tune. Rising sun is in time; the lone fool goes about his way. rising sun - there could be a more descriptive image of dawn here, i think. He finds his way to a savory wonderland beneath his tree. his destination is a tree? thought he was a court jester? The gnarled roots hold him in his drunken slumber- a good image, still, the poem seems to fall short here. one minute walking and singing, the next passed out under a tree? while burning glory takes a lemon day trip as tourist shining intellect on me. Cheddar crescent be tardy, when the jester sings his jokes, fallen light. the end doesn't make much sense to me. terms such as lemon day trip and cheddar crescant are nice, but i don't know what's going on. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The narrow path spirals into darkness A way that slowly makes its way too dawn A lone figure and a lute stumble without light Wandering where his feet will take him, in song. An orange caught on fire rockets past the moon. Hurrying to not be late for an important tea. And still the traveling minstrel hums his jolly tune. Fire relights itself in time for the lone fool to find his way (`I was thinking of the suna actualy (No the sun is hurrying to not be late for rising in the morning for the night- his perch is a savory wonderland beneath a tree. The gnarled roots hold him in his drunken slumber- while burning glory Lemon bright he takes a trip around the world-a sight we can see Cheddar crescent is tardy, when the jester sings his jokes, failing light. |
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