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Critical Analysis #2

court jester

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2007-04-07 04:41 PM

The narrow path spirals into darkness
A road that wanders into the dawn.
Figure and a lute stumble without light
Wandering where he will full of song.

An orange citrus caught on fire rockets past the moon.
Hurrying to not be late for an important tea.
And still the traveling minstrel hums his jolly tune.
Rising sun is in time; the lone fool goes about his way.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-04-10 09:01 PM

You have a very good opening stanza and I think this line is great:

quote:
An orange citrus caught on fire rockets past the moon

But, overall, it's far too short. I think you may very well have something here.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-04-10 10:26 PM

A suggestion, at your own discretion:

Agreed,that it's too short. It doesn't give me that "complete" feeling. Excellent write, but I personally believe 4 more lines would really hit it home.

Regards,

-Paul

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