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The Phoenix
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Phoenix |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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This spinning earth beneath my soles- Rock and water, green and gold Held hung on sky with silver cord. Bright, and bold, and ever sly- Will this round of living stone Melt all away and turn no more? Will tangle wither, nature burn? Never! Deep down stillness ever reigns And Heaven’s radiant face bends down; The word once spoken still speaks yet And echoes onward through this world. Though molten it shall never fail, But cast in yet a fairer mold Arise once more to never fall - And burning, stand forevermore. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I can't get a handle on this one. I get the gist of it, but it sounds forced and the idea of the earth as a phoenix seems, well, a bit unpalatable. Maybe you're trying to put too much on your plate? To be honest, the ending, to me, is not grand, it is horrifying. |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Yeah, I had my questions about this one too - what I was trying to say is that the natural world or creation (the word once spoken) would never pass to nothingness, but even if destroyed would be recast immortal - a new heavens and new earth - but I couldn't seem to get the sense of it clear enough. I'm a sucker for pomposity far too often - but here's a revision - tell me if I make my point clearer or not. This spinning earth beneath my soles- Rock and water, green and gold Held hung on sky with silver cord. Bright, and bold, and ever sly- Will this round of living stone Melt all away and turn no more? Will tangle cease and nature end? Never! Deep down stillness ever reigns And Heaven’s radiant face bends down; The word once spoken still speaks yet And echoes onward through this world. Though molten it shall never fail, But cast in yet a fairer mold Arise once more to never fall - And shining, stand forevermore. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Josh -- even in the rewrite it seems, as I've mentioned before, overwrought or over worked. Just a suggestion, try to get to the meat of the matter immediately, and after you've stated it, stop. This is purely a reflection of my point of view, and is no more valid than anyone else's. Best, Jim |
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NerudaLover New Member
since 2007-04-22
Posts 3 |
If I haven't read the title, I would think that this poem is about the earth. I don't actually see a vivid image of the pheonix in the poem except at the last lines. _______________ maxine Pontiac GTO 2006 Catalogue |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
The Phoenix spoken of is the earth, or more properly, the natural order of things. In Christian belief, the natural world comes from the actual words of God. My point in this poem (as clumsy and inadequate as it is) was to essentially say that even if the world melted and passed away, being formed by the words of God, it would eventually be restored, even fairer than before. As always, thanks for the criticism. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Josh! The revision is better on second or third reading. Here's an off the wall thought: I think you obviously have great skills with language and a good ear. What might happen, if, as an excercise, you tried freeing yourself up and write something still intentional, but less labored. You might do something silly like writing a limerick or two to loosen up or open up another side of you. Who knows what might happen? I'm not suggesting you abandon your worthwhile themes, but, again experimentally, you might try opening up your voice, experiment with the gear shift. I think you have it in you to be exceptional. Best, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (06-09-2007 11:09 PM).] |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Try this one: /pip/Forum103/HTML/001756.html |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ah, There you go! I've just been looking in the wrong place. Good for you! Best, Jim |
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