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Critical Analysis #2

we have been given

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

0 posted 2007-03-30 01:41 AM

we have been given
seven day cycles

equal day
equal night
twice a year

we have been given
microwave popcorn

too many kernels
rotting teeth

and the moon
the pale tide-handler
is not alive
does not strike love
on any heart

the end

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

1 posted 2007-04-02 11:19 PM

Glorious. Leave it as it is.

-Paul

Aurelian
Member

since 2007-03-20

Posts 109
TX, USA

2 posted 2007-04-03 12:36 PM

I agree. Leave it like it is. Like your name "minus" your poems are a good example of minimalism.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2007-04-03 12:57 PM

Nice piece of work! You might consider dropping the lines "too many kernels
rotting teeth" or adding a comma after "kernels." I don't think this is "minimalizing," I think it's maximalizing.

Jim

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

4 posted 2007-04-03 01:14 AM

thanks, all...i'll try out the punctuation...

minus

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