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UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

0 posted 2007-03-23 11:10 PM

Jazzy blues beats reverb off the docks,
The sounds of fireworks going off amok,
Another year gone by, the clock mocks my face,
I check my watch and decide to run off to a better place.

I collapse into bed, my most treasured possession,
Yet the apartment reeks of apathy and neglect,
I dunk a cookie nonchalantly, presidents select,
And still hear the fireworks going off unchecked.

It’s just another holiday, another year gone by,
The evidence is evident all across the sky,
The celebration belies the notion that anything has changed,
Society is blowing up, cannibalistic and deranged,
Yet for one day we can all stare up to the heavens,
Pretend that America is humble and unpretentious.

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

1 posted 2007-03-24 12:21 PM

I like your work, It reminds me of going to the slams back home in Albuquerque. The only thing that is sticking for me is the 6th line. It seems a little forced. Not sure if it is to be a performance piece. Might flow better depending on how you would say it.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-03-24 12:48 PM

This made me smile and I dont feel good so yay. It was witty, actually most of your work is. I liked this , cause it was good and not complicated and no strings attached or anything.
Good work. It could be tighter though. The sixth line throws me too

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

3 posted 2007-03-25 12:56 PM

Thank you both. It's kind of funny, I actually really liked that sixth line. But I will play around with it and see what I can change. Thanks again.

dwgpoet
Member

since 2007-03-05

Posts 122
FL, USA

4 posted 2007-03-26 02:42 AM

Yes, keep the neglected,
due to apathetic,
apartment,

Geat Job, Just tweak the reek;

This poem conveys my feelings exactly;
(Sam's amorous onomatopoeia)

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-03-26 01:22 PM

Good - a little to societal commentary for me - Love the first line excepts the word (abbreviation) "Reverb" is used incorrectly. It sould be reverberate or to help with rhythm you could use "bounce."

But, clever.

Dane

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

6 posted 2007-03-27 08:51 PM

This is a quite sophisticated piece. I can't quibble with matter, only meter. It's a well structured poem, and good for you! The meter drifts near the end, and it doesn't have to. Read it out loud. If it is perfect to your ear (though I think you will hear some internal-line clunkers) leave it alone. If you catch the "drift", consider correcting your metrical course.

Best, Jim

Aurelian
Member

since 2007-03-20

Posts 109
TX, USA

7 posted 2007-03-27 10:09 PM

The meter needs some repair - especially on line 4 - it doesn't really flow.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

8 posted 2007-03-28 08:48 PM

Actually, oceanvu2, it does sound pretty good when I read it aloud.  Thanks for your critique.

Christian, thanks for reading.  I am sorry you don't like the social commentary aspect of this, but it is where the true message is in this piece.

dwgpoet, tweaking the reek would not be a problem.

Aurelian, the flow seems to work, at least when I read it aloud or go over it in my mind.  You are right about that fourth line though.  I will revise it.  Thanks for reading.

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