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Critical Analysis #2
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detour down the red-veined alley
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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detour down the red-veined alley |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
(What do you see, refugees - You survivors of still birth?) The young man makes his bed in the lost-and-found-box and kisses the valium night. His dreams are infected by a lump of spoilt meat leaking red thoughts into his head. The wind trombones outside the window and all the stars are handfuls of inverted dice thrown down a dark table. (He is an unfortunate Libra tilting at zero.) Sometimes he leaks moonflakes. A cycle of torches will flare through his room at night, rest upon the white mounds his body has shaped, and again for his bound roommate, then drift off like lonely fireflies. In the morning, he stares out at beads of cold sweat on leaves suffering monochrome sickness, and watches the tawdry bulimics eat up the sky, then cry and purge rainbow bile into fissures of mud. He is ever-robed, hiding the masochistic smiles he gave himself in high school, tucking back his cotton wrists before giving the eyes-down greeting. ( Mothers will awaken to their children sitting in a village of mattresses. Fathers will excuse themselves much sooner. ) Today, he ponders a backwoods journey with a pale escort, and the birth of wind and the thunder clapping, and everyone tethered to this round kennel as they bay alongside neighbours. Tonight, he will suffer all the favourite nightmares of fortune tellers. [This message has been edited by sampo (03-23-2007 05:13 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 sampo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
it could be my age or just me but I didnt really get it. I really liked these lines though for the uniqueness and interesting pattern of words taudry bulimics eat up the sky, then cry and purge rainbow bile into fissures of mud. |
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ken_wertz New Member
since 2007-03-22
Posts 6 |
this poem reminded me of my three days spent in paris. I got lost at night, and the homeless were insatiable creatures. Anyway, suffering monochrome sickness, and watches the taudry bulimics eat up the sky, then cry and purge rainbow bile into fissures of mud great imagery, makes me feel cold and hungry |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Nice form nice imagery....slightly disturbing. I think that you mean the wind "trombones" Not familiar with that spelling. Maybe just me Dane |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like a lot of this and I think the sky imagery works very well. This is only my first read so I'll give it a couple of days, but right now, I don't think you make the images cohere as well as they might. I liked the end as well. |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
thanks for the comments, it's a fairly long, morbid write with lots of imagry that borders on ott, so i do appreciate any/all comments recieved here. i also appreciate lines pointed out that work. lines that don't work, i'll take also. revision has been a nightmare on this piece, so i'll take whatever i can get here. thanks again sampo. |
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
hey, i just like the way you see...some of the lines are razor...continuity is staggered, but challenge is appreciated |
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