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A Poem with no name
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Poem with no name |
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James McInerney Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 83 |
"A Poem with no name" Upon my last breath may I be punished no more, If your love be that of a sword, so strong and forgiving, Then let it strike thy heart with a mortal blow. Alas..., Worry not my dear, For no marks or scars will appear across my skin, Your beauty bestows no pain upon this body that lay before you, And contempt dare not dwell here. May your name be whispered upon my dying lips, like that of dreams, Where beauty resides knowing loves true form, Admist heaven. |
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| © Copyright 2007 James McInerney - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Pdub New Member
since 2007-03-07
Posts 2FL |
I think that if you could have put more emphasis on a relationship here, it would be more clear. As well as the age. Good poem though. I don't know...Thats what I do know |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
i'm not sure of critiquing procedures here, but i like mine honest and hope that others reciprocate. okay, too be honest i did not like your poem. why? for starters it is overly archaic. what year is this? let me go into detail. Upon my last breath may I be punished no more, If your love be that of a sword, so strong and forgiving, how is a sword forgiving? Then let it strike thy heart with a mortal blow. thy? thine? your heart or hers? Alas..., alas? Worry not my dear, For no marks or scars will appear across my skin, Your beauty bestows no pain upon this body that lay before you, lacking detail here. beauty is so vague. give us a visual. And contempt dare not dwell here. where? paint us a picture. ambience. May your name be whispered upon my dying lips, cliche. like that of dreams, how is this like dreams? your dreams? Where beauty resides knowing loves true form, Admist heaven. amidst. okay you've used all the big themes to go out on, beauty, love, truth, heaven, but what do these things look, feel, taste, sound like - to you? you should be striving toward originality here to hold the readers interest. hopefully, you're not too offended by my critique. regards, sampo. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Don't give us the abstract ideas, paint them, show us , write them then name them if you need to. it needs more and as a modern love poem, kill the archaicness it kills the soul in this. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Uh, 'thy' means 'your'. Is this what you want to say? If it does, this could become interesting. Where do you want to go here? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I liked the poem. Keep the archaicness. Not everyone is trying to be modern, and to be honest, I thouroghly enjoyed this piece. Valedictions, -Paul |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
An occasional piece using archaic language can be interesting and enjoyable. I'll assume here that we are talking of the language flavor of Shakespeare's time or Elizabethian English, I believe. Just sticking a thy here and there with a few word inversions doesn't work though. First you must understand how all those words were used and in what circumstances. Then, you must use the language right and consistently. You can't bounce back-and-forth between old and modern. All righ, I know I shouldn't say can't. I'm sure someone will bring up an example to prove that wrong. You might start with a dialog or something, think "Kate & Leopold." Pete |
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