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Critical Analysis #2
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How Heavy is the Stone?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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How Heavy is the Stone? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I know this needs some work, so lay it on me. I got a thousand voices hollering for me to speak, I got a hundred different personalities; pick which one to meet, I got ten cats asking “which way is the dog”? I got a voice which I call my own; it sounds just like a frogs. I have a million different ways to think about the world, Most of them contradict each other; take it, it’s my word, I have a dog which howls at me from morning noon to night, I have an old lady in my head; she won’t let me out of sight, I got a pistol in my hand; I will shoot it, wrong or right, I got a keyboard and a computer; blasting across the universe, I got a family and some friends; you tell me which comes first, I got some verses in my mind; so itchy to come out it hurts. I wish I had a million dollars for every tortured day, I wish I had it to spend freely in every imaginable way, I wish I knew some people, who wouldn’t betray my trust, I wish I had a car that would work, and never ever rust, I wish the stupid mistakes I made would heal from bottom to top, For all the stitches in my hand, my stomach and my head, I wish for peace on Earth, but that will come when we are dead. In short, complex thoughts roam inside my shattered mind, Whether I am relaxed or stoned or trapped inside a tattered limbo bind, But when I find the answers, I’ll be sure to let you know, One thing I am sure of though, is that is all a stones throw, Away. |
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Robert Jordan Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 392Philadelphia Pa USA |
UseTheIllusion, In some of your lines, you use "I got", and in some, you use "I have". "I have" would be more consistent, and more correct. Bobby |
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JeffD Junior Member
since 2007-02-06
Posts 28CT |
The only thing that I thought was in the first line of the last stanza, I thought that you forced it too much to rhyme. Instead I think it would sound better if you replaced mind with head. Although it does not rhyme it sounds much better. Well at least to me. But good job. I also agree witht the poster above with the replace got with have. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Robert Jordan, (nice name by the way, I loved For Whom the Bell Tolls), Changing "go" to "have" would be no problem at all, a superificial change at worst. JeffD, I chose the word mind because it implies something a bit more, I don't know, transcendent, than the word head. I would prefer to keep it the way it is. And in all honesty, the hard part was finding a word to rhyme with mind, not vise-versa. Therefore, forced as it is (and sounds) I am leaning towards keeping it the way it is. Thank you both for your criticism. |
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JeffD Junior Member
since 2007-02-06
Posts 28CT |
Yeah I understand exactly what you mean. It works just fine. I guess in my own mind I felt like it should be head. Keep up the writing |
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