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Critical Analysis #2
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divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

0 posted 2007-01-23 01:15 PM


I know the format of this is going to make some of you twitch (it's meant to be disjointed and gradually come together, if that makes any sense, maybe I'm just warped)It doesn't post exactly right when I type it here, the spaces are a little off -- I'm aware also that the overuse of personal pronouns is going to be zeroed in on -- but this is my favorite of what I've written, and I want it to be better.  So, *cringes* fire away     

~Sheli~
        

        In the dead of night
                      my mind revolts
           thoughts run rampant
              tripping
                        skipping
                  trickling
            into the dank closets
                       and cobwebbed
               corners,

          dusting off the
                     skeletons,
        in the deep recesses
                  there,
          teaching them
                       the
              jerking
                   twitching
             dance
          of the long
                     dead
        and best
     buried
              come closer,
            here,
           my hollow friends
                      with your
              rattling      
                      creaking
                  lanky
                         stance
         with cackling howls
                 and mindless shrieks
                         entertain me
                with disjointed
                              dance

                 (dance me darkly
                  skeletal beau
                 I would miss you
                  were you to go)
      
              you're no longer
                   fearsome demons
          only just remaining shells
           of all my past transgressions
       that I've hidden rather well
          from all the world around me
              and sometimes from
                             myself

                 Tonight,
             I'm going to use you
                   head to toe
               and knobby knees
             I'm going to pluck you
               all apart
                 to satisfy my needs

               (dance me darkly
                 skeletal beau
                I will miss you
                   if you go)

                 Your skulls,
               my ocularis inkpots,
            each bone
              a brand new quill
             your bony pens will scrawl
                 my thoughts
                   and with my verse
             parchment will fill

             come, my cackling
                 merry mates
              the night is still
                but young
            rattling
                     shrieking
             howling
                      creaking
             whirling skeletal
                 dervishes
            dance until I'm done

             (dance me darkly
               skeletal beau
             I might miss you
                 if you go)

         I use you for my pleasure
            to pen away my pain
        and wade through seas of secrets
        that I tried to drown, in vain.

         My familiar cold companions
       you've all been here far too long
           I've kept you with me weakly
         but I know that I am strong

              (dance me darkly
                skeletal beau
              I won't miss you
                 when you go)

       my faithful skeletons at my feet
         disassembled by my own hand
       you're reduced to pick-up sticks
              and still,I stand

             (dance me darkly
               skeletal beau
            Death comes for you,
              it's time to go)


© Copyright 2007 Sheli Carmichael - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2007-01-23 03:29 PM


Untill I have time to do this very nice piece master piece , for now I have to say its one of my favorite pieces. (I haven't dissected it yet, I have to go to bed soon and hope it snows during Gym class or my gym teacher decides to take a surprise vacation to Timbuktu) .  It all appealed to me, I liked the description and I could picture it.  

I liked the minor rhyming in certain parts it worked well together. Some parts could be stronger but the part I thought was strongest was

(dance me darkly
               skeletal beau
            Death comes for you,
              it's time to go)


I loved those parts where you put that in. It really came through for this poem.
Untill I have time to look at this better, Excellent work. If I had half of the talent showed by this poem , I would be very happy.


RHia


divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
2 posted 2007-01-23 06:20 PM


Thank you, Rhia.  I know there are some weak spots in there -- my brain shuts down when I try to do anything about it though lol ... I'll look forward to your dissection of it   

~Sheli

by the way, I've been watching you here darlin, albeit quietly, and you're getting better all the time!  

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

Russell8624
Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99
Minnesota
3 posted 2007-01-23 11:45 PM


I also liked this, but the format is incorrect. In fact, it makes the piece difficult to read.
divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
4 posted 2007-01-24 07:42 AM


thanks for the read, Russel.  The format is meant to be really off kilter in the beginning.  Is it 'difficult' to read, or just a bit annoying?  If it's really difficult, I'll have to find a way to make it easier on the eyes

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
5 posted 2007-01-24 09:06 PM


Personal pronouns aside--they were essential considering the perspective you attempted to develop here--what always bothers me is the over-use of, 'and' or 'the' and any other inert fillers.

A weak point, in my judgement, is the format. It's an uninspiring device, as in most cases, which only makes it more difficult to appreciate what I consider the strong points in this piece: The near and perfect rhymes as well as the--for the most part--naturally flowing meter.

Here are the lines where I see problems, inconsistencies or bumps:
quote:
into the dank closets and cobwebbed corners,
  
Drop, "the" & "and"                                                                  
quote:
dusting off the skeletons, in the deep recesses there,

Drop, "off the"        
quote:
In the dead of night my mind revolts

Drop, "the"
quote:
into the dank closets and cobwebbed corners,

Drop, "the" & "and"
quote:
dusting off the skeletons, in the deep recesses there,

Drop, "off the" & "the"              
quote:
of the[all those] long dead and best buried

Replace, "the" with something such as, all those or all the; then drop "and"
quote:
with your rattling creaking lanky stance

Drop, "your". It's a bit redundant given previous line plus it will then read smoother.
quote:
with cackling howls and mindless shrieks

Drop, "with"
quote:
only just remaining shells

Change or drop, "just remaining"…it sounds a bit clunky as I read it. In dropping these two words, you could this line with the next without losing anything and in my opinion smoothing the meter.
quote:
from all the world around me

In my opinion, the words, "all" & " around me" are not necessary here.
quote:
I'm going to pluck you all apart

"pluck you all apart" Another awkward line--colorless to the point of appearing uncreative.
quote:
and with my verse parchment will fill
  
This should be written less awkwardly as well.
quote:
whirling skeletal dervishes dance

I think the word should simply be "dervish"
quote:
disassembled by my own hand

The word, "disassembled" causes a heavy bump in meter here. Consider a simpler way of saying this.

I like the quatrain you repeat throughout, as though a chant.

The entire piece appears as something you gave a lot of thought to. Therefore I feel it is surely worth developing.  

Sid

divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
6 posted 2007-01-24 11:06 PM


Wow Sid!   Thanks for the read      I've made most of the corrections you've suggested.  A couple of the filler words still remain, it sounded a little clunky taking them out.   The word "dervishes" is still there, because it was supposed to be plural, and didn't sound quite right as dervish.  I replaced "disassembled" with "dismembered" to subtract a syllable .. but not sure about that one yet.  The line "pluck you all apart" is still there, I'm pondering how to change it I've also changed the format somewhat.  So, here's the second go round with it -- is this better?  

In dead of night
my mind revolts
thoughts run rampant
tripping
   skipping
        trickling
into dank closets -
cobwebbed corners,

dusting off skeletons,
in deep recesses there,
teaching them the jerking
twitching dance of those
long dead -
           best buried

come closer, here,
my hollow friends
with your rattling      
creaking
      lanky
          stance
cackling howls
     mindless shrieks
entertain me
with disjointed dance

(dance me darkly
skeletal beau
I would miss you
were you to go)
      
you're no longer fearsome demons,
now only empty shells
of many past transgressions
that I've hidden rather well
not only from the world
but sometimes from myself

Tonight,I'm going to use you
head to toe and knobby knees
I'm going to pluck you all apart
to satisfy my needs

(dance me darkly
skeletal beau
I will miss you
if you go)

Your skulls, my ocularis inkpots,
each bone, a brand new quill,
your bony pens will scrawl my thoughts;
with verse, parchment will fill

come, my cackling merry mates
the night is still  but young
rattling
     shrieking
             howling
                   creaking
whirling skeletal dervishes
dance until I'm done

(dance me darkly
skeletal beau
I might miss you
if you go)

I use you for my pleasure
to pen away my pain
and wade through seas of secrets
that I tried to drown, in vain.

My familiar cold companions
you've all been here far too long
I've kept you with me weakly
but I know that I am strong

(dance me darkly
skeletal beau
I won't miss you
when you go)

my faithful skeletons at my feet
dismembered by my hand
you're reduced to pick-up sticks
and still, I stand

(dance me darkly
skeletal beau
Death comes for you,
it's time to go)


cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
7 posted 2007-01-25 03:50 AM


quote:
A couple of the filler words still remain, it sounded a little clunky taking them out.

That's always your prerogative as the author. The poem has to beat with your heart after all.  

quote:
The word "dervishes" is still there, because it was supposed to be plural, and didn't sound quite right as dervish.  

You read it as dervishes dancing; I read it as a dervish dance--"Tomato/Tuhmahtoe..." Your choice again.  
quote:
I replaced "disassembled" with "dismembered" to subtract a syllable .. but not sure about that one yet.

How about, picked apart? Yeah, I know...it's only slightly shorter. Just another idea though.  

quote:
So, here's the second go round with it -- is this better?

It at least reads a bit better in my opinion.  

Sid

divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
8 posted 2007-01-25 10:48 AM


Sid,
thank you for your input, it's much appreciated   I know it's still a little clunky in spots and will benefit from further editing.  I'll keep workin' on it!

Besides reading easier, does the meter seem to be smoothing out a bit more?  

~Sheli~

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
9 posted 2007-01-31 02:49 PM


that I tried to drown[,] in vain.
[ ]=delete .. That reads  better without the comma

My familiar cold companions

Instead of cold how about chilled. Cold is such a common work. Chilled gives a different feel

trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30

10 posted 2007-02-03 03:03 AM


Sid did a great job guiding you through the tightening of this piece, in my opinion. That said, it's really nice -- I actually hear it as a song in my head. The dance me darkly bit could be right out of a chorous -- gorgeous. I'll return and read more critically, but wanted to express my appreciation for this! I do agree that the form is annoying, but more than that it's unnecessary. YOur writing is strong enough that I don't think it needs to rely on a visual form to communicate what you've done a fine job of already.

I'm a cummings fan, myself, but he's so obscure in a way that requires the physical shape of a poem. In this poem, though, it's proving a crutch and a distraction -- just my two cents.

divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
11 posted 2007-02-03 06:18 AM


trebuchet, thank you for the read I'll look forward to your critique.  

the format is still annoying after the second posting of it, or were you referring to the first post?  

~Sheli~

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
12 posted 2007-02-04 01:41 PM


This is still after all only subjective, so anything I propose could be debated any number of ways by others who may--or may not--be more adept at metrics:
Your latest version smoothed out some. However, if your goal is now to smooth it out further, you must make a conscious effort to eliminate or change more words and even out the lines. If on the other hand your goal is to work with this present format and experiment with your original idea of a "dis-jointed/off kilter" design, then you may not be inclined to make many more, if any changes. That's fine--it is after all, your poem and will beat with your heart, so it is your decision.
I always tend to judge such pieces based on the metric pattern they most exhibit. From that perspective, yours is mostly Iambic with no set rhyming pattern, although it could begin as either tetrameter or pentameter. Having established that in my mind, I'll approach it by mentally eliminating or adding words according to where the meter can be improved given such deletions or additions. Bear in mind, this is only to justify an arbitrary pattern in order to base questions from a metrics standpoint. On that basis though, I'll arrange it in set stanza patterns with the foot lengths indicated as well, so I can better visualize the overall layout. Having done this--judging from a strict-form perspective--I have to conclude that your piece has no specific pattern. In my mind at least, this is what makes it read as choppy and somewhat weak. Again, from this perspective, there are an uneven number of lines before each chant-couplet.
It's my opinion that if you first get the metrics right, you can then set your poem out in whatever pattern you wish and it will read smoothly, regardless of where you choose to place any line breaks.

Sid

sampo
Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54
oz
13 posted 2007-03-07 05:09 PM


i'll have to do a more thorough read
before i can crit the content, but the
form (first version) i found very original.

it seems in perfect sync with the theme
of dancing to me. this form could almost
be classed as concrete poetry, where it
is set out in a manner to match the content.

i was half expecting to read some of the
words backwards as you spun down the page.

good work.

regards,

sampo.

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