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Critical Analysis #2
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stevepoet
Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46


0 posted 2006-12-31 07:32 AM


I write this in my diary filled with anxiety
suffering from what I try to be
ducking whats inside of me
nothing can hold that back
Im at a cul de sac
stuck
so Im deciding to rid myself of the muck
and let it all loose
untie this preverbial noose
and get to my passions
dashing for escape,Im smashing through hate,lasting through the mistakes....
passing through the gate of my mind
I see the person I was fading in time
blazing through lines of deception and ressurection
injecting the positive direction into my veins
Im at a point of eclectic perception and happy with my gains
my pains will cease at least for now
the beast is devoured
and Im at ease and showered with gifts
so please allow me to live


© Copyright 2006 stevepoet - All Rights Reserved
Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
1 posted 2007-01-01 04:02 PM


Hi:

This piece seem just like an entry in ones diary.  It does not sound like a poem.  Putting some structre to it my help you and it seem more like a poem.  Poems need to look like a poem. Not different size lines on a page.

my Suggestion try picking say 7 sylibles per line and see what it like.  It you dont like that try the imbic pentamitor stuff.  dont know that.  Read some of the comments from others in this forum, they a great for that.
You may even wont to write it in full sentenes then break it up again.

Rick

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2007-01-01 05:41 PM


If you have the time, can you explain what you think we should think of this?


stevepoet
Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46

3 posted 2007-01-01 10:41 PM


Thank you Rick.

Brad what do you mean exactly.

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
4 posted 2007-01-01 10:42 PM


Is this meant to be rap?
stevepoet
Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46

5 posted 2007-01-01 10:43 PM


No Essorant its supposed to be a poem with rhyme,but not rap.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2007-01-04 06:12 PM


Well, if you've perused the forum for a bit, you'll see that when someone says it's a diary entry, it's not considered a compliment.

I was curious how you wanted this to be read. Was this supposed to be a direct affront to such criticism or what?

You don't write in a vacuum.


kaila
Junior Member
since 2006-12-24
Posts 37
PA
7 posted 2007-01-06 11:59 PM



Hey, Steve--

I think I understand what you are saying,but I do not see the offering as a poem. It seems forced in parts and does not work for me.

So, what can you do? First, recognize that initial ideas or phrases are not in themselves poems. Edit, cut out the fat, and create tension in your lines.  Think about what you really want to say. What is the idea?  Can you say it in a line or a sentence?  Can you find a few meaningful images to convey your ideas? Do you need cul de sacs and gates? "Is "injecting the positive direction into my veins" poetic phrasing or even necessary?  

Good luck--
kaila


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