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Critical Analysis #2
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Russell8624
Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99
Minnesota

0 posted 2006-12-21 02:03 AM


Essorant challenged me to write something simple and with only four lines per stanza, so here it is. I will probably be laughed out of the forum, but oh well. You are the ones that asked for it.


In the solemn hour of midnight clear,
A dream came to my slumbering mind.
I found myself walking in a field,
Leaving this world behind.

I came upon a distant path,
Overgrown with vine and branch,
And so mysterious was the call,
I found myself entranced.

For many hours I labored on,
Forcing myself a way.
What kindly force saw me to the end,
Still I cannot say.

But cut and scraped as I was,
I pressed on without a rest,
And when at last I came to the end,
My heart sank from my chest.

There was no hidden valley,
No sunlight meadow as it would seem.
I found only an arid wasteland,
barren and unclean.

I was forced to cloth my contorting face,
for fear of poisonous fume.
I searched around for a sign of life,
but nothing here would bloom.

I was just about to turn around,
And leave this desolate place,
When  I noticed a ragged scarecrow,
With straw hat and painted face.

He was posted  near a decayed tree,
And his looks I did not trust.
Why would this man of straw be here,
Save only to guard the dust.

With much reproach I decided stay,
And see what rumor held.
Maybe this broken creature could speak,
And tell me what befell.

Yet before I even took a step,
It was the man of straw that beckoned me.
“Hey you there, are you afraid?
Come closer so I can see.”

I did not answer right away,
And I confess I was afraid,
I had never spoken to a Scarecrow,
Nor did I know the games he played.

After a careful minute of thought,
I decided to answer his call.
What harm could this thing befall on me,
He was only made of straw.

“I am only a lonely traveler here,
What might be your name?”
He only laughed and jeered at me,
“We’re the same, we’re the same.”

What he meant by this remark,
I could not begin to guess,
So I decided to come a little closer,
And ask about his jest.

“How are we at all the same,
what tricks do you play upon my mind?”
He smiled a little then quietly said,
“Come closer and you shall find.”

I noticed some of his straw had loosened,
And fallen to the ground.
His right arm was also missing,
Nowhere to be found.

“How came you hear, to this desert,
And how are we the same?”
He looked at me and grimly said,
“I know about the pain.”

I started to speak but hushed myself,
And suddenly I began to see,
This man of straw was not a stranger.
This Man of straw was me.


© Copyright 2006 Russell - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2006-12-21 03:07 PM


Russell-

First thing: Don't make apologies for what you write. It gives the reader a stilted beginning.

Second thing: S12 L1 Hear?=Here? Little confused.

Third thing: Very enjoyable read. I can't say much about the metric structure, let Ess or someone take that one, but your description was very well done. The pay off was slightly lacking (a little cliche) but very enjoyable overall.

I would say the next thing would be can you say what you need to in fewer words? Do you need 13/14 stanzas to get your point across. I would live to see some of your comments in other threads. Look around and see what you can offer your fellow forummates. Take a hack at a few of mine if you wish. All the best,

CS

And a song that I was writing is left undone.
I don't know why I spend my time
writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhy

Russell8624
Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99
Minnesota
2 posted 2006-12-21 03:41 PM


I like writing long things. This poem is actually very short compared to other things I have done.
Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
3 posted 2006-12-22 05:41 PM


I am not sure where to go with a critique.  I just wanted to say, however, that I thought this was a very good improvement.   Doesn't it feel like it has more completeness about it, both in meaning and structure?  It did for me.

I was glad to read this.  Much much better than "freeversing everything"  


rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
4 posted 2006-12-27 02:50 PM


For this idea I think it could be shorter though.If it was more  concrete and succinct the poem would benefit.
I can't do anything with meter either because I am not an expert but I think parts of it was off and so was the syllable count.

Well written and enjoyable and a definite improvement. Well done

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