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Critical Analysis #2
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The Fallen Men from scratch.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Fallen Men from scratch. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
I became weary of editing the poem over and over, so I decided to tear it down and rebuild it. Here is the FIRST STANZA, NOT THE ENTIRE POEM. I am merely giving you a taste of what I have done with it, because I want to see if I'm on the right track. I This is the Arid Land. This is the Dead Land. Alas! There are no Gardens here, in this Cactus Land, Only the wilted vines of valor Forsaken by the wind. Pride without shelter, shame without pity, empty thoughts. Desolate beings; Here we are staked In our dry place, Whispering together in rasped voices. In a line we are crucified, parched by our fault, deformed by our chaos. Our decayed pieces have fallen from our bodies, and here we are paralyzed, unable to think with a head full of straw. Searching for a thought with the eyes of hypocrisy. We glance this way and that. Those who have seen us with their own eyes, remember us not as the Tortured Men, But only as the Stuffed Men, the Hated Men. In our minds, we shake our fist at the sparrows. In our souls, we wish for a beating heart. Yet between the reaching of our arms, And the grasping of our hands, The shadow falls between us. We are lost in a dream. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Russell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Relate the dream part more to the rest of it. Try describing what they look like too. ALso its repitive,we don't need , its arid,its dry, all that. Once every little while is more than enough. THanks I think to soon to tell if you are on the right track. Its not horrible , its not blow my mind away. Its a good start. I have to applaud you though for despite all the critisicm having the guts to keep trying knowing you may not hear everything you want to hear each time.. BRAvo , to your commitment. I think actually you have alot of talent, its just figuring out how to make use of it. rHiA |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
Hey Russel, you've begun again, for which I salute you. OK, next step is to get rid of abstract bits. Some things mean one thing to you an entirely different thing to someone else, like pride and shame and desolation and fault. To use these words effectively, you must add something to define them. Also don't use so many abstract terms in a single poem. Once again your fallen men are still vague, I can't relate to them. The more specific and definite you are about your subject the more I the reader will be able to relate to it, so instead of saying this land ( a very vague abstract word) you say this field in the middle of the sahara desert. Do you see the difference? Or instead of this girl you say Mandy, I have a name, I can relate to a specific name and identity far more, I will cry with Mandy, laugh with her, you the poet can make her human, and I the reader will be able to respond. Your job now, make me relate to the fallen men, give them names, make them human, and give me a tale so enthralling of their downfall that you'll force the tears out of my eyes.  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
There is a strong improvement in descriptiveness and sentence structure. That is good. The only problem for me is there still isn't any substance or background to give enlightenment to the reader. It is empty eloquence. You need something to give it purpose and perspective, even a moral or message if you may. I think writing it all in present tense may be contributing to the weakness. When one writes in present tense he (especially in poetry) may tend to be more indefinite and general "You walk with me" (as if "you" walk with me all the time), but past tense is usually more specific "you walked with me" (back then, at a specific moment in the past). Perhaps writing in past tense may help you treat it (or parts of it) more like a moment and give it some more specific context and perspective, rather than treating it all as an indefinite moment in the present. |
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