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stevepoet
Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46


0 posted 2006-12-12 11:30 PM


words and lines verbs and rhymes
finding the perfect sentence
capturing pictures
through graphic scriptures
fantastic images paving the way
saving the day from utter boredom
the clutter of life forgotten about
poetry has a way of letting it out
molding it like clay into what we'd want it to be
paradise...a lake,a sunset or the sea
we always have a place to go
to let ourselves be free

© Copyright 2006 stevepoet - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2006-12-13 03:57 PM


Steve

Hey I like this. I have a few suggestions.

1. Punctuation! You have to let us know where you want us to breathe and you need to follow rules.
2. I think that there should be a space between L4 and L5 as well as L6 and L7. This seems to be a seperate thought (at least that's how I read it.)
3. It's called The Art of Poetry, but it begs the question: To what end? I would like to hear your thoughts on how it can effect the great good. If it doesn't matter, I'd like to hear about that too. I think that you just stopped a little too soon.

CS

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
2 posted 2006-12-14 10:34 AM


It is too loosely written, to a point that it looks reckless and uncritical.  Take more time with EVERY aspect;  especially sentence structure and punctuation (for now).  

In order to make the first few lines into a complete sentence you must include a verb without the suffix -ing, for -ing only turns it into an adjective or a noun.  

Words and lines, verbs and rhymes
find the perfect sentence
capturing pictures
through graphic scriptures.



Also look at the below lines:

"fantastic images paving the way
saving the day from utter boredom"

"poetry has a way of letting it out
molding it like clay"


I think these lines need a transition or conjunction between "paving the way" and "saving the day" and between "letting it out" and "molding it".   A simple "and" may help a bit:

"fantastic images paving the way
and saving the day from utter boredom"

"poetry has a way of letting it out
and molding it like clay"


[This message has been edited by Essorant (12-14-2006 11:21 AM).]

ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
3 posted 2006-12-14 11:28 AM


Very good point Ess. Nice observation.

CS

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
4 posted 2006-12-17 11:31 PM


Thanks CS.  Your advice was worthy too.  Hopefully Steve will come back and let us know what he thinks as well.  
stevepoet
Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46

5 posted 2006-12-19 01:08 AM


thank you guys for the comments,I'll definitly take them into consideration
kaila
Junior Member
since 2006-12-24
Posts 37
PA
6 posted 2006-12-26 08:16 PM


I feel as if you created a list before writing a formal essay/paragraph on poetry.  You have some concrete ideas, but they lack the fluid tension that I expect in a poem.  

I'd love to see another version.  

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