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rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2006-12-11 11:20 AM

Opaque pieces of material greed,
driving contorted twisted minds,
to force already open wounds to bleed.
Only a single gem, rare in find.

Stained with beads of scarlet red.
Tainted by the tens of thousands of lost lives.
A trade scarred by all the dead.
Takes Hell’s Inferno to melt, enough to die?

Children grown up in warfare, work in a futile struggle of life.
Searching for a gem that most of them will never get to see.
Slipping away slowly into dark and falling into the sky.
Berserk in lust for a jewel, driven mad betraying family.

Uncut treasure, defined by the money it is sold for.
Hardhearted smugglers shuffle the smudged cards that sculpt innocuous lives.
A thin grim mouth utters the words,” Not enough diamonds. More”
A twelve-year-old boy leading orders soldiers to gouge out offending eyes.

Shimmering lifeblood tainted rings, adorn uncaring fingers.
Illuminating constellations caught in gems, bought with tainted funds.
Child slain to find jewel, on wearing face horror briefly lingers.
Starry depths reflect back the crippled toddlers whose lives have just begun.

Valued at the highest price.
Blood diamonds rupturing, buried in the past, venerable scars.
Dying, so rebels get Ice.
Mutilated amputations mark Sierra Leone’s Diamond Wars.
__________________
I wrote this centering the conflict in Sierra Leone.The fighting bit is over but there are still many issues and wounds to deal and heal. I want to enhance it structure wise and for content and anything else that it may need help with.

Grateful in advance for every and any crittique\response you take your time with.

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

1 posted 2006-12-11 06:18 PM

rhia,

I want to thank you for opening my eyes. I have so far been ignorant of what was actually happening there, and your poem made me google some info. It is distressing that a country rich in diamonds should have the world's lowest incomes. It is even more distressing that people could be so greedy as to allow the death of thousands for so long just to control diamond smuggling. I came across this article called the heart of the matter http://apic.igc.org/docs00/sl0001.htm

I will crit the poem later, but today I'm embittered by " A trade scarred by all the dead." and that line of "Shimmering lifeblood tainted rings"

kind regards

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

2 posted 2006-12-12 10:28 AM

Just want to say that content wise this is a very remarkable poem.

I felt the meter was a bit off,
(but I use the word felt, because frankly I'm here to learn meter if someone will teach me, someone told me I was meter deaf, and I hope to undeafen myself,) so if it wasn't off, here's my apology now.

There was some pretty good descriptions here, but I was put off a bit by the short sentences, the poem didn't flow, I think if you enjambed a few lines, I wouldn't be so conscious of the periods.

Lines I really liked

"Opaque pieces of material greed,"

"A trade scarred by all the dead."

Some lines sounded like a news report like:

"A twelve-year-old boy leading orders soldiers to gouge out offending eyes."

"Child slain to find jewel, on wearing face horror briefly lingers."

regards

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

3 posted 2006-12-12 11:12 AM

The poem is a bit wordy, and most of the verses sound award.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-12-12 05:06 PM

Russel , care to elaborate?

EMy, thanks . I know some of it is awkyard . I really wanted to put emphasis on child soldiers and being hardened by war which is why that was in there. As for meter , I tried to set this all right so if someone will explain how I got that wrong, I can fix it.

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

5 posted 2006-12-14 11:17 PM

I have to read most the verses at least twice in order to figure out what you were trying to say.

The poem is too wordy.

The verses are supposed to rhyme, yet the first time reading it I didn't realize that.
Bad sign.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

6 posted 2006-12-15 01:27 AM

I think the slant on the rhyme is a bit too much. That may be what is bothering Russel. Maybe a reformat would help. It seems it goes between short phrase long phrase. If that makes sense.

CS

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

7 posted 2006-12-15 07:50 AM

I need help in fixing that so I can still say what I want to but also have the rhyme be good.

WHat makes it to wordy? Don't know what you mean. Russel can you explain what you mean.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

8 posted 2006-12-15 07:51 AM

CHristian , emy, did you guys have trouble noticing it was sopposed to ryhme too?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

9 posted 2006-12-15 01:41 PM

Not really, I just noticed the slant. Didn't bother me all that much.

CS

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

10 posted 2006-12-15 03:13 PM

rhia,
I'm not the best person to tell you about rhyme and stuff, but I will try to explain why it didnt sound right to me.

For rhyme to work I have noticed that it should adapt to some meter of other, the consistency of the metric system adopted is what makes the rhyming scheme successful or not(please realise that I am NOT an expert, just trying to come to terms with meter myself).

So, in the case of this poem, there is no consistency in the meter, does that affect the rhyme, I think it detracts from it. ONce again my humble opinion.

What really bothered me with this poem was not the meter or the rhyme, you could do away with this, and in free verse it would still catch the reader's attention. The problem was the sentences were choppy, it didnt flow, that is very important, both the ideas and the structure must flow.

I would concentrate on that first of all.

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

11 posted 2006-12-15 07:45 PM

My advice, free-verse the whole thing. But then again, I free-verse everything.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

12 posted 2006-12-18 02:54 AM

Christian what do you think?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

13 posted 2006-12-18 11:33 AM

If all your stanzas were about this size:

Opaque pieces of material greed,
driving contorted twisted minds,
to force already open wounds to bleed.
Only a single gem, rare in find.

I think it may read much better.  Consistency is a virtue.

In the first stanza all you have are participles (verbal adjectives, driving, twisted, contorted) and infinitives (verbal nouns, to force, to bleed ).  You need a verbal verb (as (he, she, it) drives/drove, (you/they) drive/drove, etc.).  "only a single gem, rare in find" needs a verb too.

Opaque pieces of material greed,
are driving contorted twisted minds,
to force already open wounds to bleed.
Only a single gem is rare in find.

Still on the first stanza, I would try harder to find a possible way of making all the lines connect to each other so they all four make only one sentence:

Opaque shapes of material greed
are driving forth a twisted mind,
And forcing wounds again to bleed
For lovely gems so rare in find.

As always you have great ideas and a good sense of direction with poetic descriptiveness.  Just need a little more work at sentence structure and stanzaic structure.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (12-18-2006 12:26 PM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

14 posted 2006-12-18 11:41 AM

Yes, meter I think is idealest for rhyme. But if you are having other troubles such as in sentence structure and stanzaic structure, it may not help to make more difficulty for yourself right now by including meter too. Then again, you may think of it this way, despite having some difficulty, and despite meter making it more difficulty, why not work on all of them at the same time, so as you do progress (and you are progressing) they may come together better in combination with each other?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

15 posted 2006-12-19 12:39 PM

Rhia,

The most important thing about meter is basically wordstress.   Here is a good and simple summary of the basics:

1. WordStress (Stressed Syllables) or here

2. One-syllable "Function words" (Words that are very dependant on other words.)  These are all to be treated as unstressed, unless given special emphasis:

-Prepositions:  of, to, from, at, on, in (etc)
-articles:  the, a, an,
-demonstratives: this, that, these, those,
-conjunctions: but, when, and, (etc.)
-pronouns: he, she, it, they (etc.)
-auxiliary verbs (verbs used with other verbs): will, may, have, can,
-auxiliary adverbs (adverbs usually used with adjectives or other adverbs): so
-Forms of the verb be: am, is, was, are, were.

(And if you have any doubt about where the stress is in a word, a dictionary always indicates it too.  At dictionary.com the stress is in bold: as in "daughter [daw-ter]".)

Now here is the challenge:

After reading the above carefully, write four lines (short and sweet for now

) with eight syllables each. But make sure every even numbered syllable (2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th) in each line has wordstress. Rhyme may or may not be included.

Example:

Awake the spring that fills your heart
And watch it blossom into art.
Who under stars will not delight
in meters Rhia soon may write?

I think that is a good way to begin approaching meter.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

16 posted 2006-12-19 02:49 PM

Sorry for the late response Rhia-

Ess is more of a formal person - take whatever advice he has if you dicide to formalize this one.

But, can you come up with a format that is cohesive yet allows you to have the freedom to write how you want?

-rhyme scheme
-syllabic verse
-something completely new?

Try all of these in your revision. Make sure to do Ess' challenge. It's not easy, but it will teach you a lot about how to structure your stanzas and how much you can cut out of what you write. Hope that helps.

cs

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

17 posted 2006-12-19 03:30 PM

Thanks for supporting the challenge, CS.

Mind you, poetic meter includes reasonable exceptions, instead of always strictly putting a stressed syllable where a stressed syllable is expected and an unstressed syllable where an unstressed syllable is generally expected by a metrical pattern. But I think it is best to learn and follow it strictly at first, to be more certain about recognizing stressed and unstressed sounds.

After that then it is best to discuss how there are exceptions and flexibilities that offer the poet more room to breathe.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

18 posted 2006-12-27 03:32 PM

After reading the above carefully, write four lines (short and sweet for now

with eight syllables each. But make sure every even numbered syllable (2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th) in each line has wordstress. Rhyme may or may not be included.

A gang rivalry brings death's grief
gunshots silence the voice of teens
Mending hearts break as fights won't stop
eyes swim in tears, new battle scar

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

19 posted 2006-12-28 01:08 AM

Thanks for giving it a try Rhia.

Here is a "scan" of the first line of your stanza. The "x" indicates a syllable that doesn't have the stress. A "/" indicates a syllable that has the stress.


x   /   /  x x   /      /       /
A gang rivalry brings death's grief

Compare that to a line in the example I gave you:


x  /   x    /     x     /     x     /
Awake the spring that fills your heart

Do you hear what makes the differences between the two?

Remember every word except the one-syllable "function words" mentioned earlier (the "bit's and pieces" like a, to, of, at, and, by, your, etc) always have one syllable with wordstress.  Brings, death's, and grief in the first line of your stanza are all normal words, therefore they take stress, just as the word gang that you rightly treat as stressed.   In a word with more than one syllable only one syllable may have the stress we are looking for.  Rivalry has three syllables, but only the first syllable has the stress.  This is is shown in the dictionary, such as at dictionary.com, where the stressed syllable is the bolded one within the brackets: rivalry [rahy-vuhl-ree].

Remember also what the page shows about compounds nouns too:

Where is the stress?

on the first part        desktop
                             bookshelf
                             greenhouse

This may be expected in almost all words (such as gunshot, lighthouse, birthday, etc).

Next Challenge:

-Take a look at the rest of your stanza and see if there are any other mistakes.

- Fix as many mistakes as you can.

( Any help explaining these to Rhia, would be much appreciated, Pete, and Sid, and Balladeer

[This message has been edited by Essorant (12-28-2006 02:02 AM).]

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

20 posted 2006-12-29 10:07 PM

Hi:
I agree with alot of what has been said. Your first two stanzas seem so much shorter that the rest. And most of the rhymes are somewhat off kilter. My best suggestion to you would be to play around with the stanzas.

EX:

Children grown up in warfare, work in a futile struggle of life.
Searching for a gem that most of them will never get to see.
Slipping away slowly into dark and falling into the sky.
Berserk in lust for a jewel, driven mad betraying family

Opaque pieces of material greed,
driving contorted twisted minds,
to force already open wounds to bleed.
Only a single gem, rare in find.

Shimmering lifeblood tainted rings, adorn uncaring fingers.
Illuminating constellations caught in gems, bought with tainted funds.
Child slain to find jewel, on wearing face horror briefly lingers.
Starry depths reflect back the crippled toddlers whose lives have just begun.

Stained with beads of scarlet red.
Tainted by the tens of thousands of lost lives.
A trade scarred by all the dead.
Takes Hell’s Inferno to melt, enough to die?

GET MY DRIF THERE.

Say try inertwining image with info.

great read
Thanks

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

21 posted 2006-12-29 10:31 PM

Too much words, not enough info. I would go through and remove any word pulling double duty.

"Tens of thousands of lost lives"

Why not just say thousands, as this makes the poem flow much nicer.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

22 posted 2006-12-31 09:02 PM

A rivalry lets death's be here
The gunshots silence voice of teens
A mending heart rips, fights won't stop
Their eyes are teared, a new scar

Is this fixed?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

23 posted 2007-01-01 11:11 AM

Rhia

That is much better. Only four syllables "out of place"



x  / x  x   /     /     x   / 
A rivalry lets death's be here (close)


 x    /  x     /  x     /   x    /
The gunshots silence voice of teens  (perfect)



x  /  x     /     /     /      x    /
A mending heart rips, fights won't stop (close) 


  x      /   x     /    x   /   /
Their  eyes are teared, a new scar (needs one more syllable)

Some of these may be acceptable variations though. Once you have the meter established as every unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (x /) in most of your verse, then an occasional variation doesn't hurt. But it is important first to recognize stressed from unstressed so when you do variation you know that you do and how it may be done so that it maintains the rhythm/beat.

The variations make the rhythm a bit quicker or slower. Do you hear in line three, how three stressed syllables in a row (heart, rips, fights) and a comma in there, slow down the meter quite a bit?

[This message has been edited by Essorant (01-01-2007 11:42 AM).]

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

24 posted 2007-01-01 11:56 AM

Whoa yah

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

25 posted 2007-01-01 12:49 PM

Rhia,

If you don't understand something, I hope you will ask questions. Do you see why I marked those syllables as "out of place"?

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

26 posted 2007-01-01 04:45 PM

Does it have something to do with slowing down the meter ?

I did understand what you meant by that before slowing down the meter. I read it out loud and thought about it and could tell.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

27 posted 2007-01-01 07:14 PM

Yup, remember we are trying to get ONLY every evennumbered syllable to be a stressed syllable. Every other one should be unstressed.

In line one you have the unstressed -ry of rivalry where the meter was to have a stressed syllable, and you have the stressed syllable let where an unstressed syllable should be. In line three you have the stressed syllable rip, where an unstressed syllable should be. In the last line you have the stressed syllable scar where an unstressed syllable should be, and a missing syllable from the syllable count.

But you have twenty seven other ones all in their right metrical place.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

28 posted 2007-01-02 02:07 PM

Next Challenge:

- Try to fix the meter again. You almost have it perfect.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

29 posted 2007-01-02 03:36 PM

Rivals and grudges lets death's be here
The gunshots silence voice of teens
A mending heart can’t heal no more,
Their eyes are teared, a new scar is

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

30 posted 2007-01-04 02:03 PM

Rhia,

You have these lines perfect Rhia. Every even numbered syllable is a STRESSED syllable:

the GUNshots SIlence VOICE of TEENS

a MENDing HEART can’t HEAL no MORE

But these lines still have a few problems:

RIvals and GRUDGes LETS DEATH'S be HERE

their EYES are TEARED, a NEW SCAR is

Keep practicing and looking back at the things we looked at earlier. It takes quite some time to get the ear trained to distuinguishing stress.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

31 posted 2007-01-04 03:23 PM

the GUNshots SIlence VOICE of TEENS

a MENDing HEART can’t HEAL no MORE
when grudges RIvals join theres grief
their EYES are TEARED, a scar is formed

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

32 posted 2007-01-04 03:37 PM

the GUNshots SIlence VOICE of TEENS
a MENDing HEART can’t HEAL no MORE
when GRUDGes RIvals JOIN theres GRIEF
their EYES are TEARED, a SCAR is FORMED

perFECtion !!!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

33 posted 2007-01-04 05:50 PM

Too little, too late I suppose, but I think you need to concentrate on a single scene. The poem reads like a commentary on a newspaper article and that creates distance.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

34 posted 2007-01-05 04:23 AM

which one? The four lined thing or my main one?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

35 posted 2007-01-05 04:09 PM

You may now write in the same meter as Sir Walter Scott and many other great poets.

Take a look at this poem:
http://www.geocities.com/poeminister/introcanto1.htm

Challenge: Read the first stanza carefully and look for a few syllables that look "out of place" based on what we were doing.  These are important because they are the variations and exceptions of the meter.  The variations have "rhyme and reason" too.  Once you learn them they give a bit more flexibility and movement to the meter.

Here is an example.  The first three lines are:

NoVEMber's SKY is CHILL and DREAR,
NoVEMber's LEAF is RED and SEAR:
LATE, GAZing DOWN the STEEPy LINN

Note the variation to line three. The first syllable (LATE) is a stressed one where we expect a syllable not to be stressed.  This is a traditional variation, and I think it works very well in this example.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (01-05-2007 04:40 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

36 posted 2007-01-05 05:00 PM

Either one or both:

"Uncut treasure, valued at the highest price,
A twelve year old gouged out the eye of a twelve year old,
An opaque material, a blood diamond,
And a smuggler who uttered the words,
"Not enough."

I think that if you concentrate on one person or a situation, it lends itself more naturally to some of the comparisons you are overtly making in your piece. This isn't to undercut (sorry) your concern with meter. You can definitly make a strong case that this poem should indeed have a strong metrical spine to it.

No doubt you have an image you want to convey here, but if you see one image a little more clearly, I think it will, probably, come out more clearly in the text.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

37 posted 2007-01-05 05:05 PM

LATE, GAZing DOWN the STEEPy LINN
That hems our litTLE GARDen in,
LOW in its dark and narROW GLEN,
You scarce the rivuLET might ken,
So thick the tangled greenWOOD grew,
So feeble trilled the streamLET through;
NOW, murmURing hoarse, and freQUENT SEEN
THROUGH bush and briER, no LONger GREEN,
An anGRY brook, it sweeps the glade,
BRAWLS over rock and wild cascade,
And, foaming brown with double speed,
HURries its waTERS to the Tweed.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

38 posted 2007-01-05 09:09 PM

Rhia,

You got the syllables LATE, LOW, NOW, BRAWLS, and the HUR of hurries correct as marking them as variations. Those are stressed syllables but they show up where the meter is supposed to have unstressed syllables.  Also the let of RIvulet, that is unstressed but shows up where a stressed syllable is supposed to be.

Here is a scan of the stanza.  The red marks the variations:


NoVEMber's SKY is CHILL and DREAR,

NoVEMBer's LEAF is RED and SEAR:

LATE, GAZing DOWN the STEEPy LINN

That HEMS our LITtle GARden in,

LOW in its DARK and NARrow GLEN,

You SCARCE the RIVulet might KEN,

So THICK the TANGled GREENwood GREW,

So FEEBle TRILLed the STREAMlet through [.]

NOW, MURmuring HOARSE, and FREquent SEEN
             * murmuring is being used as a twosyllable-word pronounced "murmring" instead of "murmuring"

Through BUSH and BRIER, no LONGer GREEN,
                               *briar is being used as a onesyllable word here, pronounced "brire"

An ANGry BROOK, it SWEEPS the GLADE,

BRAWLS Over ROCK and WILD casCADE,

And, FOAMing BROWN with DOUBle SPEED,

HURRies its WAters to the TWEED.

There are four kinds of variations to see above. And I think those may be the most common and most important to know about over all poetry that is written in this kind of meter.

Variation #1:

A stressed syllable shows up at the beginning of the line, where a stressed isn't required by the meter:

Example: LATE, GAZing DOWN the STEEPy LINN

Variation #2:

This is similar to variation #1. A stressed syllable shows up at the beginning of the line, BUT it is followed by an unstressed syllable:

Example: LOW in its DARK and NARrow GLEN,

Variation # 3

The next one involves the onesyllabled "Function Words" (the "bits and pieces" Remember? Words such as "and" "in" "to" "from" "with" "of", "so" and pronouns: "I" "you", etc. and verbs used with other verbs"will" "can" "may/might") that as a rule may be treated as unstressed). These words may somtimes show up anywhere the meter is supposed to have stress. They show up where stressed syllables are supposed to be if they are meant by the poet to have special emphasis on them, or else if they are very important and fit very well into the sentence structure, as long as they aren't used too frequently in such a way that begins to interefere too much with the meter. There are many examples of this kind of variation. There are some that are used like this much more often than others. "of" "in" "to" "and" are fairly frequent. But the word "the" and "a" almost never show up where a stress is supposed to be.

Example: That HEMS our LITtle GARden in,

Variation # 4

This involves words that have three or more syllables.  Find out where the stressed syllable is, such as RIV in RIVulet.  Then count every second syllable away from the stressed syllable in the word.  If there are two syllables to the left of the stressed syllable, the second one to the left may be used where a stress is supposed to be (in expecTAtion the first syllable ex).  If there are two syllables to right of the stressed syllable the second one to the right may be used where a stress is supposed to be in the meter (in RIvulet the last syllable let).

Example: You SCARCE the RIVulet might KEN,

The meter is still predominatly as it is supposed to be: with every second syllable stressed.  But includes such variations as those mentioned above for flexibility and some diversity to the experience.

There is not much more to this than that.
The rest is just practice and patience, practice and patience, practice and then, Grace.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (01-06-2007 04:13 PM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

39 posted 2007-01-06 02:39 PM

Here is another challenge for practice!
Rewrite a stanza from your poem so that every second syllable is a stressed syllable:

Example:

OpAQUE the SHAPES of SOLid GREED
are DRIVing FORTH a TWISTed MIND,
And FORCing WOUNDS aGAIN to BLEED
For LOVEly GEMS so RARE in FIND.

- This time you may include variations to the meter if you wish.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

40 posted 2007-01-06 04:31 PM

Part of rewrite, but I am having trouble with what I have so far. Will finish rest tomorrow but heres so far what I have. I am trying to get stress right while also changing for content,but soon as I get stress I am going for more content changes.

Blood stained stars

The hardened gem that
can drive deformed minds,
is called a diamond.
Single shimmering gem, but rare in find.

It’s stained with beads of brightend red,
tainted with lost beings.
A trade much scarred by dead.
Takes Hells fire to melt, the stakes are high.

Children that live by fighting, violent life.
They search for gem that most will never get to see.
While slipping out and falling through sky.
So driven mad that boiling point is not far.

Uncut treasure, defined by coin it’s sold for.
Cold smugglers shuffle cards that sculpt innocent lives.
A bitter mouth orders increase of stone. “Some more”.
Cold hearted teen has miner lose his life.

Shimmering bloody tainted rings, adorn uncaring fingers.
Constellations mirrored image bought with tainted funds.
The Starry depths reflect in crippled toddlers whose lives have just begun.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

41 posted 2007-01-06 07:17 PM

I must admit that it reads terribly Rhia. Why not work very carefully at one stanza at a time?
I recommend finding a form to stick with for the time being so that you can perfect your skills in a consistent set of "rules" rather than alter them by something that varies shape and length and manner all the time. The most moderate line (not too long, not too short) seems to be the eight-syllable line, and that's why I recommended it. And the most moderate stanza seemd the four-line stanza. (as you are using). If you wanted more variation to this you could make every second line six syllables, which works very well. But most of all it seems that you need to stick to some consistent kind of lines and syllable count, and make it a "home" so to speak, and when you use it, carry it throughout the whole poem. This will give you continued practice within a stable "shape", and you will see things get better and better because you will know that "enviroment" best and therefore be able to move in it best. Just some thoughts.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (01-06-2007 08:47 PM).]

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

42 posted 2007-01-16 02:50 PM

I think I might try and write this in freeverse.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

43 posted 2007-01-16 04:42 PM

Rewritten in freeverse. Wasn't sure if meter still applied in free verse or not? So didn't try to do that. Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this. School started again last week and we got multiple essays due within the couple of days plus lots of HW from the teachers who can't give essays because of what subjects they teach.
I am going to try to be better about working on rewrites.

Glassy fragments of past nightmares
blind justice from coin seeking eyes.
For this priceless element, lives are given.

Toddlers end up paying the price.
When they’ re working all hours in ditches seeking
shards of a sparkling curse.
Children can’t help their needs; they lose limbs just for wanting.
Gems, stained with beads of scarlet red.
Darken the light in Sierra Leone.
A single jewel found, causes insanity.
Civilians rush to the mines, only to
die for the value of A Diamond.

Takes fires from the forges of hell, to melt
the sharp rock. Soldiers break the people,
whipping them and massacring families in sight.
Forcing the mutilated children to find a priceless gem
that most of them will never see. Slipping slowly away.
Losing their homes so they fight for the military.

An uncut treasure, defined by the money it’s sold for.
Cold-hearted smugglers deal out the cards to play with weighted dice.
A boy without a beard, places the orders for the give and take of lives.
The lifeblood of those who died in vain is carried through to rings.
Haughty hands make a flipping motion in the air.
Constellations in the sky are got in the centerpiece
worn by the ones who don’t at all care.

Gold made through enslavement and murder manages to
get into the trade market for the stone that rightly belongs to none.
Crystal beams of light shine from the shiny stone, reflecting back
Through starry depths the pain of the crippled who have just begun.
Fortunes paid to traffickers, twist the plot around, lives of vassals change.
Dominant little pebble valued at the highest market price, cutting open healed scars. Preschoolers die for the rebels’ ice. Sacrifice and mutilated amputations mark Sierra Leone’s Diamond Wars.

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