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Critical Analysis #2
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emy
Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32


0 posted 2006-11-29 09:10 PM


Fresh Air

I fit my head beneath the sands, but still
the T.V. splashes shrouds before my eyes.
A bloodied flu chokes the lungs and slays
With splintering gasps.
My ostrich act has failed.  This child

has rapid respiration, is she hurt?
I watch her heave a thud against the weight
of ribs, drag her leg from fragments of another world
and I am here, mock physician
from several hundred miles of blurring screens.
I'd bind that leg and place the gauze
into more  expert folds, I'd barricade her lungsā€¦

But  my sight is lost,
washed away with the rubble of  homes and
red-washed sand. The small voiceless grains
were stiffled on the ground, just like the air
above that burst  revealing a violent sun.
My head should fit beneath the sands,and lift
the grains to tower, my arms
should hold the storm, quiesce the broken veins.
I watch the flood but cannot form a clot.



© Copyright 2006 emy - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2006-11-30 12:31 PM


This was really confusing, try simplifying it a b it.
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
2 posted 2006-11-30 03:47 PM


This sounds pretty intense, but I can't quite put my finger on the subject matter. To me is seems like the view of a person watching a fried die from an illness, but the last stanza it a bit to trippy. What are you going for with what you are saying. I would say simplify, but I would also say clarify.

CS

emy
Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32

3 posted 2006-12-02 07:09 PM


rhia and christian thanks for your comments. If I say what it's about then it's failed. Back to the drawing board then.


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2006-12-02 08:03 PM


Not necessarily. I liked this one though I think shrouds should be shroud and stiffled should stifled.

Oh, and I'd drop the ostrich line.

The ending was impressive. Ever read 'ego-tripping' by Nikki Giovani?

emy
Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32

5 posted 2006-12-03 03:18 PM


Hi Brad,

Thanks for your comment, yes I think ostrich act should go too, though I was pleased with it before, it doesnt seem to add anything.

Thanks for directing me to Nikki Giovani, she's pretty cool.




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