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Old sea captain (revised)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Old sea captain (revised) |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I read what you all wrote and tried to reorganize with lest clutterly description and tried to even out the syllable count and meter and to make the length not as awkward. Cherry flames flicker on saturated sand. Radiating warmth to an old sea captain. Still standing when he should be dead. Trifling with the lock in Davey Jones Locker. Huddling by dying embers, moored in his last harbor His vessel drifted out to sea on mutiny’s tide, left in port. Smudges of grey tufts of hair stick out through a ragged cap. Drowsy senses dulled to betrayal’s pricking blade, oblivious. Swaggered in the wrong way, right off the wooden plank. Flopping into the waves, lifted up from the shallow sandbank. Thrown up on to an island bare except for exiled lost souls. Caught by his safety net threaded with sinewy fire cords. Currents of fear swell in ripples across his wrinkled skin Holding a staring match with the master of teeth and fin. Daring from the inner chambers of his demented mind That they grip him in salty digits, pull him to the end. Returning the gift of legacy in to the god of ultimate deep. Stomping out his last defense desecrating it to a dirty heap. Pride fully marching into the crushing waves not faltering once. Letting high tide grasp his bony form, washing away the Captain. |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
hey rhia, there are way too many adjectives. Cherry flames flicker on saturated sand. Radiating warmth to an old sea captain. Still standing when he should be dead. (that's an incomplete sentence, also still standing when he should be dead is prose, I shouldnt think it were necesary either cos you go on to tell us that he's trifling with DJs locker) Trifling with the lock in Davey Jones Locker. Huddling by dying embers, moored in his last harbor (if the embers are dying then they can't warm him? I would consider huddles to huddling, the present tense keeps the readers on their toes, more intriguing) His vessel drifted out to sea on mutiny’s tide, left in port. (incomplete sentence) Smudges of grey tufts of hair stick out through a ragged cap. (this is awefully elaborate, too much imho, how about smudges of hair stick out through his cap, it gives the same picture essentially and less words) Drowsy senses dulled to betrayal’s pricking blade, oblivious. Swaggered in the wrong way, right off the wooden plank. Flopping into the waves, lifted up from the shallow sandbank. (how about he swaggers off the wooden plank and flops into waves etc, not the best you would prob do it better you have a nice way with words but you get the drift) Thrown up on to an island bare except for exiled lost souls. Caught by his safety net threaded with sinewy fire cords. Currents of fear swell in ripples across his wrinkled skin Holding a staring match with the master of teeth and fin. Daring from the inner chambers of his demented mind That they grip him in salty digits, pull him to the end. Returning the gift of legacy in to the god of ultimate deep. Stomping out his last defense desecrating it to a dirty heap. Pride fully marching into the crushing waves not faltering once. Letting high tide grasp his bony form, washing away the Captain. Hope I havent hurt your feelings rhia, I think definitely get rid of the -ing endings put all this in present tense, and make each sentence short and to the point, it's an intriguing poem and I'm interested in where it goes. best of luck |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Ing is present. You havent hurt my feelings, I posted in CA , what I get is what I asked for. Thank you, I reread this just now and agree there are some parts where it just isn't need to have that much description. |
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