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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Hi everyone. I have not posted to the forums for awhile, but I would really like some advice on this one. You all give honest comments which is what i need. Thanks. Mary Sadness washes over me like waves over the ocean, advancing and ebbing, knocking me off balance, leaving me breathless weak and helpless. Exhausted, I call upon all my strength just to hold on. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
IT was a good beginning. It didn't seem finished. It seemd like one idea that you fastly ended, to make a poem. It needs more to it, it needs to go somewhere. It needs a path of some kind. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
RHIA, I see what you mean. Thanks for replying and trying to help. Does this sound any better to you? Sadness washes over me like waves over the ocean, advancing and ebbing, knocking me off balance, leaving me breathless weak and helpless. Exhausted, I call upon all my strength just to hold on, to avoid drowning in this sea of emotion. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I like the idea of this, but I confess I may be entering this particular critique field with some prejudice: "untitled" as a title, lends me to think, "unfinished"--and I honestly believe that's exactly the case here. You put yourself front and fore in the first sentence, and yep, I usually do the same, so I nodded here in recognition seeing how that could weaken conveyance of emotion. You wanted to be a metaphor I think but proceed to make yourself a simile' with the "like" introduction in line two. I can't say I really liked "advancing and ebbing"--it confused my mind a bit--a quibble, but my mind would have focused more on keeping like terms with like, and yeah, I know ebbing is used enough to be understood, but what was wrong with saying the obvious here? "advancing and receding" and then when you add "knocking me off balance" it further adds to my confusion as I feel ripped from the metaphor that graduated from the simile that you introduced. The next two lines underscored that: "leaving me breathless weakless and helpless" I thought both lines were ineffectual, but the latter was unnecessary. I'm left here wanting to feel the impact of the wave here, but the impact is skipped entirely, with a description of its affect in its stead. I liked the last four lines, as I felt it held the gist of your emotion, and what you were trying to convey: "Exhausted I call upon all my strength to just hold on." Now there's a kernal of emotion that is universal. And there's a lot you can do with this too. I'd love to see you re-work this and just let loose emotionally, but keep it in some structured confine. I think it would be interesting to see it re-written as personification by a shell, or better yet, a strand of seaweed? I'd love to know what seaweed thinks, m'self.  I'm no expert, by any means, but I would love to see what you could do with that. Thanks much for sharing. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Serenity, Unfinished, yes, you are correct. Thus, no title as yet. I knew I needed help and decided to come to where I knew I could get some friendly advice in order to finish it. You offer some very good advice and I will try to look at this poem as you see it. Did you like the last lines I added at all? Thanks for your help. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It still seems unfinished. Finishing the sentence doesn't always finish a poem. It needs a concise ending to finish. It has a good beginning that is over drawn through the end. it needs body. What is weakles? weak also means helpless, so wouldn't it not be needed there and weakless would mean NOT WEAK, which contradicts what I think you are trying to say. I agree with serenity here too, you can put different terms together but there is nothing to connect them. It also doesn't do anything by not just putting it as" advancing and receding. Sounds better and makes more sense to my mind. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
How is this? Any better? thanks Every day, sadness washes over me like waves over the ocean, advancing and receding, knocking me off balance, leaving me breathless and fighting for control. Exhausted, I call upon all my strength just to hold on, to avoid drowning in this sea of emotion. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
First of all, 'Every day' at the beginning just weakens this. I don't think you need it. Second of all, you have these cliches... waves of sadness, sea of emotion... maybe you could throw in some other beach imagery to liven it up. I also have a problem- I am imagining the narrator here sitting on a beach... what is she holding on to, to avoid drowning? Sand? A stick? It's just a problematic image for me. Hope I helped. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think this may be much stronger if you tied it into a moment of life. Give the reader some insight into what the occasion for such sadness is. Otherwise it is something very vague that may probably be said about any emotion that becomes overwhelming for someone. Whence does such sadness come? |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Essorant, this poem is dealing with depression and how it affects a person on a daily basis. I was trying to describe waves of depression by using waves in the ocean, how a person has to continually fight to keep control of it and not give in to the overwhelming sadness, and how terribly hard it is. Does that make any sense? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It makes sense. quote: What does it look like, this control? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Paint us a picture. Taste,feel,want, see,smell, hear. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
It's like summoning every fiber of the being, clinching the teeth until the jaw aches, just to keep back the tears that are always threatening, just to keep swallowing past the lump in the throat that seems to only sporadically actually go away. It's knowing that if you let go, if you relax only for a second, the depression will take over. Sort of like being caught in fight or flight mode 24 hours a day. Your whole being is screaming, but no one can hear, how can they not hear, yet if they did hear they could not really help anway, so you fight to hide the sadness. Getting up and going to work every day is a major undertaking, because what you really want to do is crawl back under the covers and stay there. You'd rather never have to deal with people again at all, just stay home in your own little world, behind that closed door, where you can be yourself and write in peace. How to put to poetry? I tried with the ocean waves. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Start with this. This immediately grabs the reader. [This message has been edited by Brad (11-16-2006 06:54 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I was going to say just what Brad said. That's a poem. Let it loose. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Intense description. Then I could feel it within me. Take that mold it,form it, rewrite that. Make that what your poem is centered on. Then work metaphor in. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
This is what i came up with. What do you think? I summon every ounce of strength to aid in my fight for control, this fight I daily wage, fighting for my very soul. I clinch my teeth till my jaw aches just to hold back the tears, and swallow past the lump in my throat, seems it's been there for many years. This struggle is my way of life, it controls my every thought, at times it's overwhelming, this depression I have fought. Yet I have to keep on fighting to defeat the anguished thought lest this sadness over takes me, and I lose this fight I've fought. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
That was pretty good. This line was off though seems it's been there for many years. |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Does this read easier to you? I like it better myself. I summon every ounce of strength to aid in my fight for control, this fight I daily wage, fighting for my very soul. I clinch my teeth till my jaw aches just to hold back the tears, and swallow past the lump in my throat that's been there for so many years. This struggle is my way of life, it controls my every thought, at times it's overwhelming, this depression I have fought. Yet I have to keep on fighting to defeat the anguished thought lest this sadness over takes me, and I lose this fight I've fought. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Better. I will reread and see if anything is off later |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I summon strength to help me find control, And fight in hope of winning back my soul. Do you think the above lines read better? If you do, we could discuss incorporating consistent syllable-count and meter into the rest of your poem as well if you like. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Um, why is this better than quote:? You've lost the immediacy, sacrificed it for what? Stop trying to explain, we don't need to know that it's about control. Or rather we already know. And you've lost the simile about flight or flight mode (a lot of potential with that). Hush's 'let loose' seems to be the best way to go, stop trying to bottle it up in a 'form' (Do you really think your subject matter lends itself to syllable count?). Let loose. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Not everybody's poem needs to have meter and rhyme. It's like if you asked for a better way to train your dog, and I said, "get a cat." I didn't find the revised version much better. I agree with Brad- your explanation of what you were trying to convey is better (and much more poignant) than when you've cut it up into lines and tried to... I don't know.. clean it up? Hope this helped. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Since she seemed to be trying to gain form, I thought we should help her better the form, instead of taking her back to what wasn't working so well in the first place (i.e the "let loose" freeverse style). |
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