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PurpleRain
New Member
since 2006-11-06
Posts 3


0 posted 2006-11-08 01:57 AM


I have a keen taste for irony.  Consequently, when I was informed that the reason a particular guy couldn't date me was that I didn't like poetry, I was moved to write a poem about it.  This taste for irony also led me to write a sonnet, the form traditionally used for love poems.

After writing it, I realised I'd really like to see about cleaning it up enough to be presentable to the general public.  So have at it.

***

There’s nothing wrong with me that he can tell
I’m pretty, smart, engaging and his friend
But dating would not work for us so well
Our friendship just was not to take that bend
I wondered why this possibly could be
If such a lovely personage I am
His answer, this: I don’t like poetry
To that I say, well, I don’t give a damn!
It is the lamest reason I have heard
To leave a person sitting in the dark
There sometimes just are not sufficient words
Instead I must resort to bouts of snark

I cannot think of where I ought to start
If he can’t love my different tastes for art


© Copyright 2006 PurpleRain - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2006-11-08 04:07 PM


This is really a rant and not exactly a poem that anyone can crittique to help you fix exactly.

My suggestions are though:

!. Take out the forced rhyme it is full of that!
2. Rewrite in prose what you want to say and then put it in a poem. (it does not have to be rhyming.
3. Don't capitilize everything as that is confusing.

That all I can think of for now.

Grinch
Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
2 posted 2006-11-08 04:48 PM



This made me trip:

Our friendship just was not to take that bend

How about something like:

Our friendship simply did not take that bend

Just a passing thought


emy
Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32

3 posted 2006-11-08 06:53 PM


Hi dark purple,

sonnets are usually in iambic pentameter,anyway, I'll see what I can do to help(such as it is-I'm a newbie)
========
There’s nothing wrong with me that he can tell
oxoxoxoxox
I’m pretty, smart, engaging and his friend
oxoxoxoxox
But dating would not work for us so well
oxoxoxoxox
Our friendship just was not to take that bend
oxoxoxoxox
I wondered why this possibly could be
oxoxoxoxox
If such a lovely personage I am
oxoxoxoxox
His answer, this: I don’t like poetry
oxoxoxoxox
To that I say, well, I don’t give a damn!
oxoxoxoxox
It is the lamest reason I have heard
oxoxoxoxox
To leave a person sitting in the dark
oxoxoxoxox
There sometimes just are not sufficient words
oxoxoxoxox
Instead I must resort to bouts of snark
oxoxoxoxox

I cannot think of where I ought to start
oxoxoxoxox
If he can’t love my different tastes for art
oxoxoxoxox


well so far as I can see it reads like true IP
and it's fourteen lines,
the rhyme goes
ababcdcdefefgg

so the rhyming schemes OK.


There’s nothing wrong with me that he can tell
I’m pretty, smart, engaging and his friend
*should think of removing the comma after pretty

But dating would not work for us so well
Our friendship just was not to take that bend
I wondered why this possibly could be
If such a lovely personage I am
*that line is inverted

His answer, this: I don’t like poetry
* sounds awkward, it would read more easily if it were: he answered that, or his answer because

To that I say, well, I don’t give a damn!
*don't think the comma after well is necessary

It is the lamest reason I have heard
To leave a person sitting in the dark
* the above line doesn't make much sense, since so far there is no indication that anyone is left in the dark?

There sometimes just are not sufficient words
*sounds inverted

Instead I must resort to bouts of snark


well hope that helps!

take care



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2006-12-15 10:55 PM


quote:
His answer, this: I don’t like poetry


I like this line. It strikes me that it needs a more prominent place.


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