»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Dancemaster
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Dancemaster |
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
He was older, much, Russian and intense. And she, a wandering fawn among the apple blossoms, had no fear of hunters or knowledge of their seasons and appetites. His golden eye a promise, temptation and a discipline, drew her from the blushing orchard down enchanted steps. A silken cord he slipped around her tender body, then led her to his kitchen garden and garnished her with mint. He quenched her thirst with sparkling wine and water from the Neva. He taught her pony tricks and dressed her in his loneliness between twilight and the dawn. Each morning just at sunrise, he walked her to the hillside and tethered her with garlands beneath the sky and evergreens to pass the day and learn the ways of shadow and light. [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (10-25-2006 11:49 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2006 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
In line one, there is an awkwardness in the syntax created with your attempted inversion: Using the words, "…older, much, Russian…" is a bit akin to Yoda-speak. I did have a little problem with 'golden eye' as well. Not sure what your were going for there. And, you do have one or two tired terms such as 'enchanted steps', and 'tender body.' Other than that, I mostly enjoyed the first strophe and had begun to think the poem would end up being a strictly metaphorical study: An older man having rescued a young girl from a dreary fate, while attempting to keep his distance. At least, that's how I saw this in my mind, given the possible implications of applying deeper meaning to such terms as blossom, hunter, season, blush and even a silken thread. But, I was dissapointed when S2 seemed to reveal that this was not the case at all--or it doesn't seem to be. If I am wrong and you were indeed attempting to continue the pattern into S2, then you would seem to have your work cut out for you, for it does not seem to match the effort of S1. It seemed--at least to me--that you had some striking lines in S1 and you should lead the reader into a close which is at least as climactic as that, if not more so. If on the other hand your goal was to make this more of a narrative, then you should consider discarding the weak, first three lines of S2, then weaving the rest of the lines into S1 a bit more smoothly, while still working on crafting a stronger close. But in my opinion--and just my opinion--you should concentrate on defining metaphors in S2 to better enhance those in S1. I like the last four lines in this and you should keep them, but consider breaking it in half. It's an awfully long sentence and that's how one wants to read it. As an aside: The second line in S2 could either be saying that, "He taught [tricks to] her pony…", or "He taught her… tricks, which every pony knows. You should eliminate such idiosyncracies in syntax and then work on making more clear the direction you wish to take this. Sid |
||
|
Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I liked this (wait for the "but", it's only a small one though) But I had a heck of a time trying to work out what it was about, I went from Russian ballet to Grigori Rasputin who drowned in the Neva. I like cryptic, heck I write cryptic but with this I thought it wasn't given enough clues, I still liked it though it's just I'd have liked it better if I understood it more. Thanks for the chance to read and reply |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, Sid and Grinch, I really appreciate your help. I knew I was in trouble on this one and couldn’t quite figure out what to do with it. This started out as just S1 and was meant to be sort of a cheeky sevenling about a lonely older man seducing a very naive young woman. Should have stopped right there, but no, I just had to go all emotional, sensitive, politically correct and try to turn it into some sort of fair and balanced character analysis. I tossed in facts about the odd couple that I knew (the Russian and Neva thing) but the reader didn’t. Valuable lesson learned - not a good idea to leave your reader in the dark. Anyway, the older gentleman was a connoisseur, maybe collector is a better word, of beautiful, graceful things and the fawn a dancer and sophisticate wannabe. Each was using the other and in the end, lost as much as they gained in the relationship. I think this is a poem I won’t be able to write until I’m older and more experienced myself. Think I’ll go back, cut out S2 and polish it up as just the sevenling. Thanks again. Your input really helped a lot. |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The lines are a bit too prosey. May I suggest giving them a consistent syllable count and tighter meter, perhaps even some rhyme? Here is an offhand suggestion: He was a Russian, older and intense, And she, a wand'ring fawn of innocence that feared no hunters, nothing knew their rites, their selfish seasons and their appetites. His golden eye of promise drew the fair from blushing orchard down enchantment's stair. A silken cord around her body sent then in his kitchen garnished her with mint. |
||
|
Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
Essorant used slant rhymes. Neener neener neener.  |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Jennifer, Keep it simple. You already had some pretty good lines within the piece. Think on what originally inspired this; visualize again the original concept, as it first began to come to you. Re-evaluate each of your metaphors and simply resume building upon what is already working. Take your time--don't attempt to rush it for any of our benefit. Save the rhyme for another poem, another day. Sid |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
How about this: Then led upon a silken cord of bliss was garnished in his kitchen with a kiss |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
