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Abated Breath
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Abated Breath |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Stark fallacies in darkness lull me down as heavy lids submit to visions eyes will never see, in cistern dreams I touch your skin. The palm’s hair shimmers in a dream with flashes of your flesh detached from what is real, a make believe one-sided tryst of love turned lust. Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s wick, to burn each image on my thighs in sighs, as stars I see implode to leave me blind in cistern dreams. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Grinch, Sorry I couldn't come up with a more substantive critique-- I just really liked everything about this. Excellent meter throughout with nary a "filler word" to be found, as I read it. Overall, a very compelling, smoothly written piece. Thanks for posting, Sid |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
All right now, it can't be perfect. We do have a rather surly image to maintain here. For instance, that comma ending L3 looks like it should have been a semicolon. Then I'm not sure you really need the comma in L11. Other than those, I can't find anything to improve either. In all seriousness, an excellent and thoroughly enjoyable poem. I liked the occasional internal rhyme, alliteration and assonance. Just enough to make me notice look for more but not enough to be at all obvious. Thanks for sharing. Pete |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: You're right of course, Pete. I didn't look hard enough for imperfection here. Lord knows I try. I suppose I was too distracted with all that is right in this. I do agree with your punctuation suggestions though. Sid |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I was just having a little fun there, Sid. What's a critic to do when the only fault he can find is a missing semicolon? I fully agree with your assessment. You did well here Grinch. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I know, Pete. Sorry, it's not always easy to interpret my tone. quote: Keep bumping it up, I guess. Sid |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
The cash is in the post guys.  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
 A tasty write indeed. The only thing wrong with it is... it left me wanting seconds!  "Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s wick, to burn each image on my thighs in sighs, as stars I see implode to leave me blind in cistern dreams" Why not go for another rhyme? "in sighs, as stars implode within my eyes, to leave me blind in cistern dreams" [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (10-25-2006 12:10 AM).] |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Midniesun, To make it fit the syllabic count I'd have to shorten it to: Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s wick, to burn each image on my thighs, as stars implode within my eyes to leave me blind in cistern dreams. This definitely fits the form but I'm not sure losing the sighs is a good idea, the end rhyme seems to be a little too pronounced, though I'm willing to be swayed. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I think it's sexy. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Well, then I guess I'd be tempted to add 'waiting' in front of wicks. Grinning here, not knowing how important stick-to-the-rhyme might be for you. Anyway, I enjoyed the read. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Midnitesun, I'm swaying Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s waiting wick, to burn each image on my thighs in sighs, as stars implode within my eyes, to leave me blind in cistern dreams. However I need two syllables for lines 1,3,5 and 7 to ensure this stays true to the syllabic form, any suggestions? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It's fun, it's clever. But it's been done before, any chance you want to take it further? |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Stark fallacies in darkness lull (Stark fallacies in midnight's darkness lull) me down as heavy lids submit to visions eyes will never see, (to visions lidded eyes will never see,) in cistern dreams I touch your skin. The palm’s hair shimmers in a dream (The palm’s hair shimmers diaphenous dreams) with flashes of your flesh detached from what is real, a make believe (from what is clearly real, a make believe) one-sided tryst of love turned lust. Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s wick, (Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s waiting wick) to burn each image on my thighs in sighs, as stars I see implode (in sighs, as stars implode within these eyes) to leave me blind in cistern dreams. thanks for asking!I enjoyed playing with the lines. Where would you take it, Brad? |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Ok, so I didn’t get it at first but now that I do ~blush~ just wanted to say I like the original best with the change to S3 that you first suggested, Grinch: "Sweat glistens, oils the candle’s wick, to burn each image on my thighs, as stars implode within my eyes to leave me blind in cistern dreams." I do very much like the syllabic format and admire your use of meter. Wish I could be that disciplined. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Brad, quote: Sorry Brad I don't understand what you're saying could you expand a little? Midnitesun, I think your version works well, put side by side I'm not sure I could choose one over the other though. Jennifer, I'll tell you a little secret I hadn't even got around to scanning this for meter - I was hoping someone with a little more skill it that regard might have a go. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Three off the cuff ideas: 1. What happens after the climax? What about Mom (or a wife?) or the clean up? 2. Use the trick as an extended metaphor, maybe a kind of 12 views of Edo or something. This might be fun, reverse the idea and see where it goes. 3. Buddhist slant: trick as sattori? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jennifer, I missed it the first time too. I skimmed it and 'cistern dreams' twice, my eyes glazed over, sighed, and went back to whatever I was doing. It was only after the high praise that I went back and looked at it again. There was a time when I used to rail on certain words, dream, soul, eternity etc. I think I've overcome this, uh, problem but there is a still a basis to my little nuerosis. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
How's this Brad, The weight of guilt falls heavily An anchor to the world outside My family and all I risk Is framed by blame then underlined Realities in half light prove my selfish need, this heinous act, A teenager left lost behind the consequences of my crime. Fear beckons tears, the first to rise, A freak among his peers and spite Of kissing kin and soft goodnights Am I alone in cistern dreams? [This message has been edited by Grinch (10-26-2006 06:46 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
May you say clearly what you are refering to? Or should that be a sin? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Yeah, those final three stanzas make for a nice separate poem. But I'd think real hard about adding them to the original write. quote: Sure it's been done before--lots of times. But usually by some hot blooded, raging hormones, pubescent teens at sixth grade level of comprehension in metrics, and absolutely no understanding of metaphors. What they always manage to do however is give it up too soon--as so many teens are prone to do--in their hasitly written, gratuitously graphic attempt. You'd essentially be giving away too much as well with this proposed, less than subtle addition. Overall: Your metaphors were fine as written--being proven by the fact it takes everyone about two or three reads to begin to grasp their deeper significance; there was nothing cliché in any of the lines; The meter was tight at four feet each; The Trochaic Inversion in S3L1 allowed a bit of modulation, even though the entire poem was short enough that the lines would have been fine if kept perfectly Iambic. All this to say that I'm having a bit of a problem understanding where exactly this poem is lacking, as originally written--or how much further it really needs to go. Sid |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yep, what Sid said. This addition doesn't have nearly the class or quality of the original. In fact, anything you might add just says too much. It's all there in the original. There's just no need to expand that I can see. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Pete\Sid, Well the original has had four years worth of edits - the addition only took four minutes to write! Thanks for the advice I think I'll leave the original and edit the addition as a seperate piece. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Was my question invisible?  |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Snickering at Brad... "The clean up?" Oh, the poems that could be written on that theme, lol... Grinch: "to burn each image on my thighs in sighs, as stars I see implode to leave me blind in cistern dreams." Don't lose "sighs"- that rhyming with thighs is perfect, like a wry little grin... and I really don't see where else to take this without propelling into overkill. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Thanks for the advice Hush, I quite liked the sighs too. Ess Sorry, I saw your post but by the time I got around to answering it the thread had slipped off the screen, I didn't want it to look like I was replying just to dredge it back into view. Anyway to answer your question: quote: It wouldn't be a sin as far as I'm concerned but referring clearly to the subject would probably be against the guidelines and would definitely be detrimental to what I was trying to create as far as this poem goes. To me the subject matter in this piece was only a small part of the poem, it was more important to get the sound and cadence right. To tell you the truth it actually began life as description of unrequited love that changed through several revisions into it's present form. Though now I think that the fact that the poem only hints at the subject reflects well the way that society treats the subject, painting it as secret and unspeakable act. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I wanted to pop this one up again. Along with 'I love her still', I encourage, if you're so minded, to write more like these. It's called misdirection. And, given the nature of a lot of stuff posted on these forums, a pleasant distraction. |
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trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
Ess: I think not invisible, so much as masturbation. |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
damn good poem, grinch. (stark fallacies in darkness lull.) clever wordplay here, and throughout. looking forward to reading more. regards, sampo. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I second Sampo's opinion of this piece. Can't think of anything to improve here. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I love this one. Have you made it a Sonnet yet? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Nope, I’m not very good at sonnets. /pip/Forum28/HTML/001714.html |
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