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Shield Sheaving
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Shield Sheaving |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
This is a translation of Beowulf lines 1-53, including the Funeral of Shield Sheaving (Scyld Scefing). I am looking to improve the wordorder, flow, and rhyme whereever I may, while trying to retain as much important vocabulary as possible, such as the words that are originally in Beowulf (ellen "courage" theedkings "nation-kings" meadsettles "benches in meadhalls" frover "comfort" etc). Any suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks. What! We of Goredanes' in days of yore, of theedkings' thrim heard in our lore, how the athelings ellen bore. Oft Shield Sheaving from foeband's stead from many maiths, meadsettles led, left earls in awe. Since erst was poor Feeshaft foundling, he fared to more, waxed under welkins, in worthy labours, till ever each and all his neighbours, over whaleroad, a-hearing should, yield him tribute. That king was good! Afterwards for him, an heir was meant youngling in yards, God hither sent to folk as frover, feeling their sore, that they lordless, a long time bore. The Lord of Life lent to his name, Woulder's Wieldend, worldwide fame. Beewolf was bream, broad glory spanned for Shield's son in the Danish land. So shall a young gome by good fare with fair feegifts, in father's care, that in his eld, again those stand wellwilling friends, when war's at hand the people last. From lovedeeds, so, in every maith, shall man grow. Then Shield went forth at fated tide from a full life to the lord's side. They bore him then to the sea's blue his sweet friends, as he bade them do when he wielded words, Shieldings' lief, that long owned the land, leader and chief. At harbour stood a ringedstem rare icey and outfouse, atheling's fare. Then they laid down their theeden blessed the lord of rings, in that ship's breast; mear one by mast. Many mathoms got from farways, many fortunes brought. I heard not dearer keel, dight in deed, with hildweapons and battleweed, with bills and byrnies. On his barm should go with him many a charm, on the flood's flow, afar to fare. They bestowed not less treasures rare theedstrains, than those before lent, that him at fromshaft forth asent, one over waves, bairn on the brine. Then yet for him, set a golden sign high over head. Let the holm heave gave to goresedge, with yomer seave with mourning mood. No men may, in truth tell us, with knowledge say, counsellors in halls, sages soothfast, haleths under heaven, who found that last. asend "to send away" atheling "prince" bairn "child" barm "bosom or lap" bill "sword" bream "famous" byrnie "corslet" dight "arranged" eld "old age" ellen "courage" erst "first" feeshaft "destitute" fromshaft "beginning" frover "comfort" goresedge" "ocean" gome "man" gore "spear" haleth "hero" hear "obey" hild "war" holm "water; ocean" last "load, burden" maith "tribe, family" mathom "treasure" mear "famous" outfouse "ready to set out" Shieldings "descendants of Shield; the danes" seave "heart, spirit" settle "a seat" theed "nation" theeden "chief" theedstrains "people's treasure" thrim "glory" weed "garment" welkin "cloud, sky" Wieldend "wielding one (God)" woulder "glory" yomer "sad" [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-23-2006 11:34 AM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm curious, why did you make it rhyme? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
To give it more might and main. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
And traditional forms of OE poetry don't have 'might and main'? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Yes, of course they have! But rhyme back then (alliteration) was brought out better and stronglier by the patterns and rhythms of a highly inflected stage of the language. The language though is become less supporting to such a style after losing so many inflections. Such a style doesn't work anywhere as well as it does in Old English itself, or even in a looser state, in Middle English. The further you get away from Anglo-saxon times, the more endrhyme becomes a stronger tradition in English poetry. That is because the language became much more accomodating to it. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Here is a bit of a revision: Shield Sheaving Hope it reads easier with the Glossary given beside the text. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Essorant, I struggle with how to be useful to you here. Obviously there is something brilliant going on, and it shows up in the compression off accents, and the muscular and tight movement of the lines. I haven't seen a translation of the text like it, and in some ways I like it better than any of the others I've seen, including the Seamus Heany, which I like a lot. A Lot. Your theories about back to the basics English language roots show up here in action at what strike me as their best and their worst. The glossary is at the same time a graceful adjustment to the realities of the text for the less scholarly reader, myself included here, and in some ways an acknowledgemnt of the failures not, I think, of your theories of language, but of the translation process itself. The Italian proverb you occasionally see quoted about translator/traitor may be foolish in its implication that something different is possible. When I take a shot at writing my own poem in my own language, as a quirk of my own methods I try to subjugate myself to what I can understand as the will of the poem. Determining that at times is a philosophical tangle akin to sticking your head in a meat grinder, but I do the best I can with the imprefect instrument of Self that I have to work with. When I translate, I have not only my sense of the developing English poem I feel loyalty towards, I have the original text in as good an edition as I can find, my own imperfect knowledge of the foreign language (and aren't all languages foreign? I'm especially puzzled by English, and I'm a native speaker), and my knowledge of the writer's life with all it's distortions and my fantasies about his or her intentions and the world in which the poem was produced. I am serving more masters than is possible and I will sell all of them short through ignorance, or laziness or sheer bloody-mindedness. I don't know how it's possible to do otherwise and actually finish a translation of a text in a human lifetime. On top of that, you've tossed yourself rhyme as an additional task, screwing the valve on the pressure cooker even tighter. The result, I've got to say, is a spectacular sort of compression which leaves me openmouthed with admiration. I would like to argue on aesthetic grounds, in a somewhat contradictory turn, that much of the rhyme structure actually needs to come out. I need to apologise for this in advance, because it must seem like a profanation to you, but I was suggest that the purpose of the rhyme, really, is to help the rest of the poem gain the compression, force, spirit and drive that you've given it. Once you've succeeded in that, the rhyme serves only to distract from the artfulness of what you've accomplished and to draw attention to the poet and not the text. Your primary loyalties here should not be to yourself and to your skills, enormous as they appear to be, but to making the text shine as brightly as you've for the most part succeeded in making it do. Not all the rhyme, mind you. A ghost, a taste, a tease to let the reader know the poem has yet more hidden delights to offer, should he or she learn to read the original. The extent of the glossary suggests that the translation might somehow point to or lightly emphasize some or another aspect of text to point the reader to a clearer understanding of the words you gloss. If that's not possible, and frankly the whole project seems beyond my remotest dreams as a translator, you may need to consider what other things you can do to make the meaning of these passages clear, and still feel you're being straight with your values. Frankly, that's not a discussion that I'd relish being a part of; I'm afraid it would be too much like an explosion in a razor blade factory. I don't know what else to suggest. You don't want to betray your text, your values, your self or your readers, and you don't want to blow up like one of those characters for the SCANNERS movies. I'd like to see how you deal with the lessons learned in these translations, ultimately, in your other work, though this really is very rich, and fine enough for me. Much appreciation, BobK |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Wes þu hal, Bob. Thanks for sharing your comments and sharing your thoughts. The process of "translation" was much different than translating from one language to another. Instead it is a translation within a language from one manner of the same language to another manner. The translation is for the most part, the same vocabulary, but from one dialect's spelling and pronunciation into another, that is the reader's. I am not for the most part trying to replace the words with vocabulary that we are most familiar with, but instead make important vocabulary used in Beewolf (Beowulf) itself, available in the spellings and grammar that are compatable with "our" own dialect, that is spelling ðeodcyninga as theedkings', ðrym as thrim, æðelingas as athelings, Scyld Scefing as Shield Sheaving, meodosetla as meadsettles, et cetera. So even though the reader may not read the vocabulary in its original dialect, with different spellings, grammar, inflections, wordorder, he may experience much of the original vocabulary in spelling and grammar that is of his/her own modern dialect. I wished to make that clarity about the translation "process". Sorry I didn't address some of your other points. I am not sure how to address them. [This message has been edited by Essorant (01-23-2008 11:32 AM).] |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Essorant, I think I do understand. It's not important how eye to eye we see about dialect here from my point of view; it takes nothing from the remarkable quality and compression, the velocity and impact, the explosiveness which you've gotten across. Pardon my use of "translation," but it is for me a remarkable document and a remarkable recovery of a piece of poetry that I haven't been able to gain such access to through any other gate. I can't tell you that I wouldn't find the access broadened somewhat if ... I would. My comments about the rhyme are really a question of the function they serve. I think they served you in constructing a very tight text with the proper anglo-saxon feel to it. To leave them in serves to attract attention to you and your skill and away from the savage beauties of the text. You deserve all the praise I'm offering and more, but not because you've borrowed it from the text and from the adventures of Bear, who is a wolf for bees. Or BeeWolf, that many might not know was Bear. Or something even sharper, crueler and more interesting that may have walked by us both with his face covered while we were talking. With admiration, BobK |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Bob, I don't think the Anglo-saxon style works completely in Modern English, for it is missing much of the enviroment that it "counted" on in Old English: more syllables in the same or similar words, more inflections, more flexibility of word order, etc. Without these, the style wants a bit, and I think the end-rhyme somewhat makes up for it. I also think it makes a balance somewhat, in the same way using some modern vocabulary helps balance using much important vocabulary right from Beowulf. If I had used only vocabulary from Beowulf, almost every word would be unfamiliar to the reader, and it would not work very well, likewise if I tried to use only "Anglo-saxon" poetic style, much would be missing, and the modern reader wouldn't have the kind familiarity and attachment as he has with end-rhyme. And if I didn't use rhyme, my eternal poetic glory throughout the universe would turn to naught! |
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